...ramblings of a crazy mind

Does it ever dull?

2011-09-02T02:10:00.002+05:30

I was cleaning around the house (and believe you me, my place can REALLY use with some cleaning) when I came across one of my "most prized possessions" - you know, one of the things one would try to salvage from a burning building?

It has been over five years, shouldn't the pain have dulled by now? Oh I no longer wake up crying, probably because I no longer dream of those events quite so often any more....but when I do....I still get that feeling of overwhelming helplessness...impotence to do anything...choking grief....

"My dear Pramila,
First time it maybe, but despite the odds hope to repeat it a few more times"

The tears brimming in my eyes feel like they must spill over, just as they did half a decade ago...but from somewhere I find the strength to close 'it' and move away....

"how come?" (completely bewildered)
'because it is your birthday!'
"but where did you get it???" (bewilderment still evident)
'in a card shop! I know where they are!!' (exasperation creeping in)
"buttt...ummmm how....why?"
'because you badger me for everyone else and one reminds me for you' (in the voice only he could manage)

He never repeated it....couldn't.

On the card from a father battling with advanced cancer to his daughter...he died 10 months later...

Growing up

2011-08-09T13:36:00.003+05:30

It is a funny thing, this growing up. I wonder if one is ever "done"? No, I guess not. One continues to evolve, adapt and change, thereby 'growing' some more eh?

Philosophical musing aside - I'm wondering about my mental maturity (and sanity truth be told) as I sit here... I was *supposed* to have created my resume (well, updated really), sent it across to a few friends to review, hours ago. But have I done that?
Hells no!
I have instead, locked myself up in the "comp room", alone, while my family sleeps without, thinking I'm toiling away, hard. Hardly more like it :S - all the while, sneaking online to watch movies (not terrible good ones either I might add)
Feels so like being back in school/college, when I KNEW I was supposed to be studying, everyone thought I was studying, I *pretended* as though I was studying, all the while reading a book (not the educational kind!), doodling, dreaming, whatever I could do, to not-study!

So about this resume` business. Yes, I really, _really_ need to get with the program. I've been at the same company for 4 yrs. I love working here, have an amazing boss (well, don't tell him or my staff I said THAT, but really) - I genuinely _like_ him, how many can truly, hand on their heart say that? I like and respect my boss (in part since he reminds me of my dad so much), I have a great team and do interesting and challenging work.
But, and this unfortunately is a biggg but - but I'm getting ripped off. I don't get paid nearly enough (not even half of what people doing similar roles, in the same company, with infinitely less skill & dedication I might add). Great bosses and fabulous teams don't pay the bills/loans sadly. They will not help "salt away for a rainy day" (and god knows, with my luck I could have plenty of rainy days, especially going by my previous track record) and they sure as freaking hell are not going to take me on a world trip this lifetime.
There is the other small matter of the fact that my whole family lives in the United States of America - and I miss them sorely. So unless I figure out a way to move an work there, I'm going to have to continue with the once a year, month long, family reunion - and I can tell you now, this earn in rupess and spend in dollars is getting ol, fast!!! (and now with another bear market looming large the rupee is taking a pounding, yet again (pun intended) 45rs to a $ today :(
Not to mention, I would like to find someone, settle down and all that sort of thing - and where are all the 30something single intelligent men? For some odd reason there seems to be a rather large concentration of them in the US (well, bay area honestly, espcially from the tam-bhram variety - super odd really)
So really, I've got to grow up, quit with the "wasting time" and start writting the resume`! Right?
Right!
Right *resigned sigh*

Get an iPad, regain "happy":)

2011-08-08T16:46:00.005+05:30

...an no I didn't mean just as a product of the iPad2 (though that too!) ;)

So a couple of days ago (5 Aug 2011) got an iPad, watched a movie online today (oh nothing terribly "different" or "out of the ordinary"....just good ol fashioned feel good romantic comedy - Accidentally in love, HBO....and that was it! The..bubbling under the surface, champagne feeling that had become a stranger to me in recent years, making a come back :)
Oh I don't doubt I will have a few off days every now and again, well maybe even more than a few, however I know I'm on the road to becoming the very best person I can be, like I used to be, soon.
If life hands you a bunch of lemons, learn to make lemon aid, and get good @ marketing said lemon aid! ;)
.....btw, streaming movies on a iPad? Omg! Amazing! the fanta-fabulous high speed Internet connection in my sis's house in bay area didn't hurt either I'm sure :)
which also means it is 4:30 in my current time zone, hence way past time to sleep, toodle-oo folks!!
(first, of many one hopes, post from ze afore mentioned iPad2)

I've gotta be me, I've gotta be me

2011-04-26T16:45:00.001+05:30

One of my favorite songs:

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I've gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be, but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And won't give up this dream of life that keeps me alive
I've gotta be me - I've gotta be me
The dream that I see makes what I am
That far away prize - A world of success
Is waiting for me, if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, That’s how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me
I've gotta be free - I've gotta be free
Daring to try to do it or die, I've gotta be me.
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me
I've gotta be free - I've gotta be free
Daring to try to do it or die, I've gotta be me.

giving up. ...?

2010-12-05T01:08:00.001+05:30

letting go of dreams, hopes...aspirations can be ....be oddly painful... dreams are like the weeds in the garden of your mind. whistle you are busy planting the goals for future... dreams plant themselves in ...and take root. while you need to lavish time and attention to get ideas and goals to take root and flouish... dreams flouish without the slightest of attention... without any ray of light.
impossible dreams, ones you *know* don't make any sense and will probably never come true are the absolute worst kind of weeds. they spread their roots deep into the underground terrain of your mind making pulling them out an herculean task... they muddle up your thinking... leaving small paper cut wounds when you stumble across them without expecting to in the least.
'piano man' and 'just the way you are' are possibly ruined for ever for me. hope not. there you go again, those annoying dreams... sailing on in their steady ship without any wind helping them along. sigh.

stream of thought

2010-11-14T11:21:00.002+05:30

So I've had a weird week last week - "It's nine o'clock on a saturday" (6 Nov) it started (and boy did it start!! I went so outside my normal comfort zone, it is not even funny)...and before Thursday could roll around everything was over (or so we thought then)... and I was left feeling wretched and...and confused.
How could someone open up like that... share stories he claimed he has never told anyone else, including immediate family...tell me he has never, ever in all his life had a connection like this... and then change so drastically. Be so suspicious of someone he claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with? (Without giving the person so much as a chance to explain!! Admittedly he was much more explicitly about his feelings and how "far along" he was...and I hadn't reciprocated in equal measure - primarily because I have body image issues and felt it is only prudent that we hold on till he has had a chance to see me... lol, yes, forgot to mention...so much turmoil over someone we hadn't set eyes on! Me...!! man, I _really_ went outside my comfort zone) Anyways, I made a couple of stabs at trying to reason via email...and then realized circumlocution won't ever work with this man. And it wouldn't matter to him that he had made the 'original' mistake (I wasn't without fault once things started unraveling) and then some, his ego (he'd convince himself it was self respect) would come in the way of him attempting a reconciliation..
So I did something I've never done before. I did what I knew to be against my self respect. My reasoning? Well, if this is meant to be.. if he is the one... he will only be eternally grateful to me for reaching out... (and when he is sitting on that hill, holding my hand... running around in the rain in Bombay having pani puri....sitting on Marine Drive having chai... I can make him hold his ears!) ;) IF he is not the one for me, and thinks I'm a loser for reaching out... it doesn't matter to me in the at least anyways - why would I care what someone who has no place in my life thinks of me? :D
With age, definitely comes wisdom (I hope this was a wise decision! The few friends who know this story will tie me up and whip me if they find out!!)

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been.'" --- I don't want to leave any stones unturned this time so that I don't ever have any "what if..." - those really, really suck!

Well, as the story now stands... he was... well, ummm he didn't jump for joy to begin with... we've decided to try and see where things go this time, slowly. Unless he truly puts in effort... makes me feel I'm worth it (cause no matter what I look like - I _AM_ worth it!) this is a goner. I think he will, but I don't want to jinx anything... hope anything.

I do want someone who _truly_ believes in "...just the way you are". Where are you?!

Runaway bride speaks again...

2010-11-12T08:21:00.001+05:30

...though, she is so out of practice, she is beyond rusty :)

However after months I find myself with the urge to write... to express...to share....and to rant.

This post is linked to this post from a longgg while ago, a little bit.

Well, considering I am single at 30 and have avoided the noose of commitment rather successfully for so long (despite being a die-hard romantic) guess there was still some "Maggie" left in me...though I was 'in love with the idea of love' I'm not altogether sure I was ready to "settle down". I'm not entirely sure I am even now, but believe it is more a function of _who_ the person is rather than how old you are.

That and, there are far too many things mediocre in life, love shouldn't have to be one of them.

An old memory teases from the recesses of my mind. A forgotten past beckons ... and I know not a way of turning back time. Of finding myself warped up in infinite warmth of his arms once again. He with his gruff and yet O so very soothing voice... and unquestioning trust...complete acceptance.. a Dad's love is like nothing else.

I wish... I wish I knew how...

How to stop the memories from flooding in. How to stem the out pour of emotion. How to stop the gut wrenching pain...

...the past is a scary place where one must tread with grave caution...almost as one would a minefield liberally stewing with dynamites.. dynamites of past memories... (and here is the funny thing about memories, even if they were happy memories - in remembering them you will feel melancholy.

...I didn't open up as much, or feel as much, or believe as much...
but I did in some small measure...and more importantly I _wanted_ to - for the first time in years...

all of this reminds me of...
Loss
When we think of loss we think of loss through death of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we not only lose through death but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and powerful illusions of safety - and the loss of our younger self - the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invincible and immortal. These losses are necessary because we grow by losing and leaving and letting go and by growing we begin to mature and learn every day.
---------------
Along with this learning comes the ability to see that we were the people we were and did the things we did because what that was the time for that. We are who we are today, not despite what happened, not in spite of what we did (or didn't do), but because of it. We are who we are today as result of all our life's experiences, the good, the bad, the ugly and the indifferent - everything.
And though I may be hurting right now....I think I like being me :)

Anddd, I am. Hurting right now that is. I'm usually great at the "Ostrich maneuver" and this time I don't know why I've decided to allow myself the liberty to feel it.

Refreshing weekends

2009-04-20T11:35:00.003+05:30

Saturday began brunch with fun gang @ Egg Factory...fairly decent egg offerings! :)
Then on to financial planning for a friend @ ICICI - which I * thought * stayed open from 8 to 8 as their ads used to suggest - apparently timings have now changed only till 2 on a sat!! (Mid day traffic on the weekend is KILLING!)
Dragged for a bite of lunch with said friend, after which we took a trip to police station to get the bike which was towed!
Onward to another friends place to see his dogs - had time only to pop in and pop out almost immediately! Why? Had to take another friend shopping for his bday gift.
Was throughly tuckered out by this time, so a pit stop at home was very much warrented!
Friends came next door (garuda swagath) for movie, one of them coaxed me into ditching the movie so that we could heading to Barbeque-Nation for dinner, getting lost, repeatedly, trying to find the way, got there eventually, STUFFED ourselves, got out at 12.30. *restaurant usually closes by 12 -> we were the LAST to leave.
Crazy ideas of either mysore road coffee house or nandi hills for sunrise, when suddenly someone gets the bright idea of wonderla!so they are trying to drag me there come 8 Sunday morning! ...after hitting the sack after 2!! phew!
Luckily sanity (sleep?) prevailed.. and we did a lesuirely dinner at UB city with thunder and lightening in the background.The weather was amazing!
...fun weekends should be like this :)
Only fly in the ointment? Was with 'only friends'! ;)

Hello

2009-04-17T12:13:00.003+05:30

So, it has been so long that I don't even remember how anymore..
...but I'm guessing this is a bit like riding a bicycle, with a lil effort I'm sure it will come back to me!

How you been peeps?

Me? Work in Bangalore is pretty much all-consuming. Have a healthy group of fun friends (this would work better if I could figure out how to post pictures here!) have discovered a website meant for travelers (www.couchsurfing.com) - love it cause it provides an opportunity to meet local people in almost all countries/cities in addition to facilitating costfree acco whistle traveling!
Have also made a bunch of friends through another unconventional (?) route - flights! Usually when you meet someone at the airport/flight even if you have a good conversation you don't really expect to keep in touch later, right? Strangely these people (met at different times!) seem to want to keep in touch.. and have now gone on to become friends!
Trips : went with a bunch of friends on a road trip (bikes and cars) to pondicherry - was FUN! ...only regret? most of the time was spent eating/drinking and my take is that if I'm travelling outta town I _would_ like to see the place a lil! :-S ah well.
New interests : a pal recently gifted me a guitar. Yup, a GUITAR! me, who is completely tone deaf hopes to take this up fairly soon!
New developments : Might move outta home, and live closer to work - am super excited at the prospect, cause I've _NEVER_ lived anywhere but with parents/family! Moving closer to work means cutting down on travel time - which can in turn be used for FUN activities eg:learning to play the guitar! (not to mention it will be far easier to host people/parties at my place!)
Agenda : Lose weight! I'm sick and tired of talking bout it, so this time around I'm putting my money where my mouth is, literally!! :)

So, whats happening with you?

Nostalgia

2008-10-11T21:20:00.002+05:30

Phir Dekhiye/Rock On

Aankhon Mein Jis Ke Koi To Khwab Hai
Khush Tha Wahin Jo Thoda Betaab Hai
Zindagi Mein Koi Arzoo Kijiye
Phir Dekhiye......

Hoton Pe Jis Ke Koi To Geet Hai
Woh Haare Bhi To Us Ki Hi Jeet Hai
Dil Mein Jo Geet Hai Gun Guna Lijiye
Phir Dekhiye......

Yaadon Mein Jis Ke Kisi Ka Naam Hai
Sapno Ke Jaise Us Ki Har Sham Hai
Koi To Aaj Se Apna Dil Dijiye
Phir Dekhiye......

Khwab Bhun Yeh Zara Geet Sun Yeh Zara
Phool Chun Yeh Zara
Phir Dekhiye......

...will I ever write, REALLY write, again?!

....It's as pure and simple as that.

2008-10-11T20:51:00.002+05:30

I love you.
It's not a weight you must carry around.

I love you.
It's not a box that holds you in.

I love you.
It's not a standard you have to bear.

I love you.
It's not a sacrifice I make.

I love you.
It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon.

I love you.
It's not an expectation of perfection.

I love you.
It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's).

I love you.
It's not to make you change.

I love you.
It's not even to make you love me.

I love you.
It's as pure and simple as that.

- Anonymous

"Corporated"

2008-10-06T14:17:00.000+05:30

I just got royally...well, ahem.... "corporated" is the term I'm going to use (instead of the one beating like a drum in my head*). Someone else just took all the credit for my efforts, happily - right before my eyes. And I could do nothing. Nothing except stare in shock and horror that someone could be so low. Oh, yea.. that and fend questions from everyone around me going "But Pramila!! how can they!?!" As though I have any controll!

HA.

Another phrase comes to mind : Welcome to Reuters.

And what a welcome it is. Once again.

A part of me is pertified that someone might stumble across this post and get me into more trouble.

Another part of me (the one that makes me, 'me' I guess) _wants_ that to happen. Want to be asked what in the name of god do I mean - and then have to show them everything (I've proof - as always. You didn't think this was the first time it was happening to me, didja!).

Buttt, it will probably never, ever happen. Have gotten "corporated" enough times over the past one year to know that this is "normal" where I work, especially in this particular team.

K sera sera... the futures not ours to see.

* SCREWED for the naive (read DUMB) ones.

The world of high finance

2008-10-02T19:22:00.005+05:30

Those who have stumbled on to this page hoping to find something about the recent melt down in the us/globe - I'm sorry. this is _NOT_ going to help you in any way (unless you want a smile or two that is)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It has been so long since I wrote anything.

Well anything of interest / personal in nature that is. Lengthy treatise at work continue unabated. There was a time I wrote separate diaries, blogs, occasional long emails to family/friends and even the odd postal letter to the then best friend.

Odd.

Old?

Hmmm. Dunno.

Don’t feel it though.

Recently read (devoured?) the book “almost single” – nothing fabulous, and in that lies its genius-ness. At least for me.

Someone I had met in passing, at a party for less than 15 mins read it – and took the trouble to call me and tell me about it (and pass it on!) – saying the book and the central character reminded her immensely of me! (Dunno if it’s a compliment or... Especially considering what she knows about my love life could fit on the back of a postage stamp and there'd still be a hellava lot of space on it!) ;)

However on reading it, I must say it _DOES_ bear a scary resemblance to me and my life. Other than the fact that my days are gobbled by the world of finance, where there is zero tending to negative scope of tall, intelligent, sensitive, good looking men of course!
(...imagining stumbling onto someone I've met through work in the buff...eeewwww!! I just might need therapy after that.)

Buttt having stated the obivious lack of interesting (read potential) men at work - I am learning a lot about the financial world - a lot of which is faciniating. Foreign Exchange is an amazing place to be in currently and money market is nothing to scoff at either right now. Having the Indian teams of both, in a VERY large finanical services company reporting into me certainly affords the opportunity to learn a lot. Having access to high profile traders in the dealing rooms of every single big (and small and state run for that matter!) bank/brokeage firm in the country opens up so many, many avenues to LEARN - something I'm totally capitalising on.
Who knows, in a couple of years yours truly could be on the otherside of this information sale (am currently on what is called "sell side" of information - and the traders/investment bankers etc are on the "buy side")

And who knows... one of these gentleman just *might* be like Karan (_NOT_ my ex-boss Karan - the Karan from Kala's book - Almost single)

2008-03-31T20:56:00.000+05:30

Hi all...
...I know I am a little (little?!?!?) late.... but I just saw the movie Tare Zammen Par last night. A lot of people had raved about it to me... my mum saw it and told me to definitely see it... my sis called from the U.S just to tell me to see it... a friend copied it onto my hard drive and insisted I see it... one time I began almost... and fell asleep in less than 5 mins of it.

Then last night... a impulse ‘night-drive’...roadside tea...with FM in the car... the song “Maa” came on.. and my friend (friend bole tho apuun ka VJ bhai hai na) asked me have you seen it – I said nope! He was like... “whaaaaaa? That’s it. We are going back home and watching it right now.”

And we did.

To try and describe it in words is beyond me.

The movie has special meaning to me, possibly cause of my own life experiences - In more ways then I can ever possibly put into words.

If you haven't already watched it, watch it. If you have, do it again!

Take the Test to Find Out!

2008-03-21T01:26:00.000+05:30

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Miles to go before I sleep

2008-03-09T05:58:00.005+05:30

Its been a while.

As always.

Other than Will, I doubt if _anyone_ even reads this anymore.
Other than the odd person googling my name.
Okay, my princess caller and maybe..possibly Sumo.
And him.

Ah well, who can blame the readers - how long will the audience wait, eh? Its been over 3 years.. over 3 years since I "wrote".

I look at blogs like Atticus diaries and Enagar and realise this is sorry excuse for a blog!

Will has been working deligently on what he fondly calls 'smiles across miles' project. Wonder who, if anyone will participate any more! This blog - once a beehive of activity is in absolute ruins.

I feel like I have the worst case of writers block - an sms is the extent of my "writing" abilities most times.
Trying to squeeze in as much sleep before heading out to work at 7.45ish and not getting back most days till much after 8 at night isn't helping either.

Just got back from a week long trip to Bombay - It was super fun. Caught up with Vinny & Clar... 1st time the 3 of us were together in almost 4 years!
Brought back half of Bombay with me to Bangalore, or thats how it felt. Everything upto and including ICE CREAM - yup, you read right, ICE CREAM(Tender coconut from Naturals). 4 boxes! Bombay is a foodie's heaven!!

Old thoughts...unfortunately still totally true.

Just thought it was interesting

2008-02-16T19:36:00.000+05:30

Dictionary.com Word of the Day - virago: an ill-tempered, overbearing woman; also, a woman of great strength and courage.

Advice!

2008-01-02T23:50:00.000+05:30

There will never be another now - make the most of this moment.
There will never be another you - make the most of yourself!

Exit '07 - carpe diem quam minimum credula postero !

2007-12-31T17:18:00.002+05:30

Allo Allo!

Surprised?

No? Er...well, thou ought to be! :P

I've been meaning to write forever - however something or the other kept getting in the way - more often than not, my own preoccupation with my new job!! Wanted to write and tell all of you (by now a moot point almost!) that I am now a Team Manager in the Treasury department - sub division Indian Rate Reporting Unit. Both FX and MM teams report into me - a rather bright bunch! Still haven't gotten around to really _learning_ all that they do (considering I wasn't given _any_ training!) however from my limited exposure I know that we are responsible for the foreign exchange rates, forwards rates, fixings, call / repo rates, T-bills rates, not to forget the FIMMDA co-branded fixings amongst other things! :)

I work Indian market hours - or at least that's all I'm supposed to be doing! ;) leave home usually around 7.30 (which means my day begins around 6 / 6.30) so that I'm at work at 8.30 - the drive from Jay Nagar to Airport Road is _NOT_ fun on a daily basis. Much less in peak BANGALORE traffic! Am supposed to leave around 6..which would see my at home by 7. Though that's never happened - the first time I reached home at 8.30 mum was like "everything alright? Are you ok?!" :D Never the less - I love my job, my company and for the most part - my manager! There is sooo much I can learn from him!

In other news T.B medication has been withdrawn. I cannot put into words what that means to me. First time after 2 years - living like a _normal_ person. Not having to worry if I've brought along my "before dinner" pills incase I want to stop for an impromptu dinner with friends. Ability to stay over at a friend's place without having to lug a medical shop! (and just a few months ago the 'friend' would _have_ to be the kinds who could give huge injections without batting an eyelid - why? Cause I needed to get 'shot' every alternate day!) Man, freedom feels sooo good!

The best thing? Being able to _breath_ without it being painful - that's the best bit!

That and my brand new job!! :D

This New Year I seem to be... well at a "loose end" trying to figure out what to do. Am not a big fan of crowed-smoke-filled-body's-swaying-kinda rooms... then again spending the night sitting alone at home and twiddling my thumbs isn't the best way to bring the new year in! (the silly chumps who insisted I be in B'lore on N.Ys were unable to get time off from work!). Also this N.Y I find myself wishing... wishing ? I'm not sure thats the right word... I'd just like to meet 'someone'... someone who'd feel the below bout me :D

[I'm 'borrowing' this from someone's blog (not a friend... am not even sure he can be called an acquaintance! barely knew the chap - rather briefly at that]

I want to respect you first, and love you second. I want to talk with you about everything. I want you to tell me when I go wrong. I want to look forward to seeing you every night. I want to worry when you go out and are late coming back. I want to share your interests and support you in your pursuits. I want you to come home and tell me how your day went. I want to laugh about the silly things that you encountered. I want to help you overcome problems that you face. I want to see your face light up when I say that I love you. I want to feel afraid as to whether I will be able to keep your face lit up like that for the rest of my life. I want to be with you when something happens that makes you shed tears. I want to watch a movie with you and laugh. I want to go through old photo albums and recall those memories with you. I want you to wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me that you love me. I want to talk with a girl in front of you and see you get jealous. I want to see you talk with a guy and feel like kicking his ass. I want to get scolded when I do something stupid and insensitive. I want to have fights with you. I want to make up each of those fights. I want to keep interrupting you when you are doing something and get scolded at for it. I want to be able to surprise you and make your eyes sparkle. I want to feel an ache in my heart when you are not with me. I want to hold hands with you and take a walk in the evening. I want to have breakfast with you every morning before we both go out and face the day. I want us to live a life that will help someone less fortunate than us. I want you to hold my hand all through. I want to be alone, think of you, and smile. I want to wake up next to you, and watch you sleep.

Ah Love! - posted by RV. Sunday, March 19, 2006

Not for me the traditional arranged marriage or "marriage of convenience"... I want.. nay _need_ that X factor.. the passion... the madness.. the top of world feeling.... along with the down in the dumps... crabby, grizzly bear feeling... the roller coaster only _True LOVE_ brings with it.

Ah well, on another note : if you have the time do read this - really good stuff!

Hope all is well with you and yours. Do write in when ever time permits. (And if you know any intelligent, single, interesting men - you know where to point them!) ;)

Its all happening...

2007-08-23T21:16:00.000+05:30

...here!

New place... new me! :) White water rafting, leechs sucking, stumbling across paridise, star gazing, matching wits with IIM-B graduates (and winning!) :D, losing weight (without even trying - even though it is in minuscule amounts!) , fab job interview, city with amazing weather, living _ALL_ alone blues, amazing road trips, being more "open" than I've ever been, its all happening here people!

Living so far away from my support system (read crib buddy) is _not_ fun though. I miss you meaniepie mine - There I said it, I dare you to! :P

another blast from the past, stumbled across this one of my defunct blogs

Sunday, August 27, 2006

will it ever be enough?

he says i write well
why then can i not write?
well or otherwise

we met only to part,
or so it seems
to my weary heart

its not that he broke my heart
more like i broke his
and i know not how to fix it

so he is gone
or wants to be gone
far far away

should i let him go?
having set him free
what becomes of me?

he never has enough of him
nor i of him
or so it used to be

the page stares at me in the face
white and unforgiving in its graze
are my meger offerings good enough?

--- hell, no! :D

Threads... email threads....a voice from the past - 3 Aug 06

2007-08-15T01:38:00.000+05:30

From N

Firstly apologies for not replying earlier.

Ridiculous as it may sound what you really need is YOU. - to pull yourself up and get about doing what you have to do - Irrespective of the love or hurt people cause you
It is you who has to finally sit in front of your books and study.
It is you who has to reach a position where you can be independent and free.
It is you who can get yourself to stand on your own two feet
It is you who has to get back your self respect which once you held so dear
AND it is only YOU who can make all this possible...YOU

What you need is the pramila who lived a few years back. Who has temporarily gone into hiding waiting for when you really really need her to come out.

Like you said, no replacements and definitely no doubles (and i am not talking weight here)

This is your first priority!!

One step at a time i know - I have no idea what happened between you and akka, but remember people will respect you when you respect yourself! And the effort you are trying to get us to be friends again - have you put in 100 times as much in sorting out your relationship with her? (Yup thats how important she is in your life and vice versa - blood is thicker than water) Only then can you say that things are not as they were. Coz trust me, She is the one who has been and will be through thick and thin with you. Always.

Much as i'd like to feel important, (and i did feel nice reading your mail), I AM NOT!! I am at best someone who can give a helping nudge to get you started - to get you back on track!!

There is a huge reserve of strength, determination & energy deep within you. Much much more than even I could possibly have...USE IT.

So that when you die and meet god, you can truthfully tell him " I am completely used up, empty. All the talent that you had given me, i utilized" (sorry this became a little philosophical, but had read it somewhere and quite liked it)

I will try and help you along (though i have a feeling that there will be enough and more self motivation), but it is you who has to walk the path.

You take care now. Hope the studies are coming along fine (i have always seen that daily and weekly targets help). Maybe even hourly. Set simple targets initially and once you achieve them, you'll feel good about it!!

Tada
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my reply

Luckily i have begun, studying that is.

Have ploughed through princeton gmat review - 3/4 of it, the other 1/4 will hopefully be tackled then. Before this weekend i should probably take a diagnostic test.

The Pramila who lived a few years back... for most part, exists. Maybe even all of her does exist - just that the naive ..truly and fully, soul deep... kinda happiness shinning on the surface is in the deep freeze.

About akka - N, I would have thought you at the least, knew me well enough in this respect. Firstly, my relationship with her is not under question! She did or didn't do some stuff a while ago - because of which my faith was shaken. However, she is family. More over she is Akka. Meaning i won't even give up, wash my hands off. Have tried sorting out till i a blue in the face but short of going back in time and undoing all that happened neither i nor she knows how to fix it. Its because i love her the way that i do that we are, and always will be, together.

I am sufficiently motivated to know that i will give it a darn good shot. Will try and make it my best one.

Targets are a good idea - i shall make use of them in my study plan. The sense of self achieved on completion of targets, even if they are small, is a good thing!

Your concern about my education is indeed touching.

me
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
his reply

Glad on 2 counts

..one that you are studying seriously and have progress to show for it!! (generally a natural outcome...)

...second on your strong explanation about you & Akka. Coz if you aren't giving up on Akka why the @$%# were you earlier planning to give up on yourself!!

Hope the California Heat wave too helps in the thawing process!!

Take care & Study Hard
N

Random takes

2007-08-03T01:13:00.000+05:30

Enough with the silence, its not like I've too much else to do!

Move : will happen soon - yo Bangalore!! -ves = they have _no_ traffic sense - i kid you not, wait at a traffic light and the traffic will flow AROUND u, isolating u like an island. +ves fabulous weather!

Sajay Dutt : am not entirely sure what i feel bout the sentence - yes he is a changed man and the sentence is harsh. point being, he is a 'changed' man - meaning change was needed and without that he was breaking the law of the land. so... hopefully he will rise like the phoenix he reminds me off. more here

Photography : have had a digicam on the very top of my wish list for a while now - am currently lusting after the Sony DSC T100, through some things in the review here is a little...well, off. The canon 850 is a good alternative - am trying to decide - any advise on this is welcome.

Bombay rains : Will it stop already? had a bet with a friend that it would rain on a given day...I won the bet. Trouble is, it hasn't stopped raining since!!!

Shopping : How comfortable/uncomfortable are you with browsing through a 'swanky' shop? and how 'compelled' do u feel to justify ur visit with a trip to the cash counter - translated meaning - do u feel u have to buy something? I have a dear friend - she is incapable of 'browsing' - thanks to her I now have a beautiful house warming gift :D

Books : Interpreter of Maladies - thats the last book I read, faintly... umm melancholy is the word that springs to mind unbidden. Discovered Artemis Fowl stashed away in my book shelf - am part annoyed that I've owned the book for over 3 years and never read it! Can't wait to get the rest in the series.

Potter mania : I've assiduously avoided reading any - yup, any. Which for a person like me was not easy - surrounded as I am by maniacal fans coupled with my natural disposition to reading. Now that it is 'over' - I shall begin. I think.

Weight loss : Hmmm. Hrumph! Well, meds stop soon. time for hello GM.

Men : There are none. Well, none in the 'interesting/interested' category that is. Know anyone?

To the boy I once knew

2007-07-29T00:37:00.000+05:30

There was once a boy... he LOVED me ...truly madly deeply
(that was our tape - the first gift I got him, since the song always reminded me of the things he used to say to me, ALL the time. and our 'circumstances' then - he fell in love with me before he met me! In less then 2 weeks of 'speaking' to me. and that was 7, SEVEN, years ago - so he knew alright!)

I was young, naive and waiting for perfection.
No, not perfection - My idea of "flawed perfection".

He was decidedly not the man for me. Back then.

But he was interesting, sweet, perspicacious and witty. He could crack me up! (still does, more is the pity)

I am not America, and I'm done fixing my hair (thank you Zia)

Loss
When we think of loss we think of loss through death of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we not only lose through death but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and powerful illusion of safety - and the loss of our younger self - the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invincible and immortal. These losses are necessary because we grow by losing and leaving and letting go and by growing we begin to mature and learn every day.

I STILL _abhor_ farewells.
However, its got to be done.

I want, nay, want and will not settle for anything less than, a man who feels THIS way about me.

...I write this today thanks to strangeish ideas I've recently had.. kinda sorta inspired by 'the lakehouse'.

Me talking to him. Me, today in 2007 . Him in 2003. How funny is that? ...Something funnier? Him talking to himself! Lol :)

What do you think your past self would think of your current one?

Its getting late...

2007-07-06T22:41:00.000+05:30

...I keep coming back here and promising to write more often... don't know why I am unable to 'stick with the program'!

How have you been?

Or-kutch?

2007-06-08T20:10:00.001+05:30

Cyber-cafes are being shut down? Owners and users are being physically assaulted? – honest – check any “Mumbai-based” newspaper – its sheer madness.

Quote “If you think you have freedom of speech keep it with yourself. Freedom of speech is for the representatives of the people who sit in the parliament and legislature.”

I kid you not. Words of an educated man, well he claims to be and has the requisite certificates to back his claim, a shiv-sena supporter. (is there an oxymoron in the sentence back there? I know there is a moron!)

A few friends were discussing the latest orkut-sensation (this poor site seems to be hounded by some form of controversy or the other!) in office when a chap – working for a _BIG_ multinational giant no less said this! I am not sure which I should feel – outraged or upset. I am – both, in equal measure.

We live in a DEMOCRACY – or at least I hope we do.

“ I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it”

The real issue here is not whether what is being said about a party/leader is true or not – whether it is justified or not. It is whether one, _anyone_, has the right to air such opinions!

And the answer to that is a resounding, unqualified, without a question, categorical, unequivocal - YES.

Or it should be.

Going the GM way!!

2007-05-29T17:05:00.000+05:30

...nope!

Ain't buying no car!

Am going the GM way - DIET!

I'm sick of looking at clothes taking up space in my cupboard and never, ever, seeing the light of day! Its horrendous to not be able to go out and get some 'retail therapy'-clotheswise, on your bday when your best friends take you shopping! Ever wonder why is it that they make only horrid lookin clothes in larger sizes? Ones with nooo imagination, terrible, awful colours ?? Its like the retail world is punishing us (large women - large men don't face 1/4 as much problem) for not being "pleasing on the eye"!
Man someone should shoot the guys at Allen Sully (:P) - Their XL can barely fit a size 4 ! Are only petite women supposed to wear corporate wear?!?

Enough of the rant, going back to GM - lots of friends have been recommending this diet for a few years now... a recent chat with a nutritionist friend made me wanna try..

This program is designed for a target weight loss of 5-6 Kgs. per week - you can see righttt away why I am signing up!;). It will also improve your attitude and emotions because of its systematic cleansing effects. The effectiveness of this seven day plan is that the foods eaten burn more calories than they give to the body in caloric value. This plan can be used as often as you like to without any fear of complications. It is designed to flush your system of impurities and give you a feeling of well being. After seven days you will begin to feel lighter by atleast 10 pounds. You will have an abundance of energy and an improved disposition.

During the first seven days you must drink 10 glasses of water each day.

DAY ONE
All fruits except bananas. Your first day will consists of all fruits you want. It is suggested you consume lost of watermelon and cantaloupe.

DAY TWO
All vegetables. You are encouraged to eat until you are stuffed with all the new and cooked vegetables of your choice. There is no limit on the account or type. Avoid oil and coconut while cooking vegetables. Have large boiled potato for breakfast.

DAY THREE
Any mixture of fruits and vegetables of your choice. Any amount, any quantity. No bananas yet and no potatoes today.

DAY FOUR
Bananas and milk. Today you will eat as many as eight bananas and drink three glasses of milk. You can also have I bowl of vegetables soup.

DAY FIVE
Today is a feast day. You will eat 1 cup of rice. You also have to eat six whole tomatoes and drink 12 glasses of water today to cleanse your system of the excess uric acid you will be producing.

DAY SIX
Today is another all vegetables day. You must eat 1 cup of rice today and eat all the vegetables you want cooked and uncooked to your hears content.

DAY SEVEN
Today your food intake will consist of 1 cup rice, fruit juice and the vegetables you care to consume. Tomorrow morning you will be five to eight kgs. lighter than 1 week ago. If you desire further weight loss, repeat the program again. Repeat the program as often as you like, however, it is suggested that you rest for three days before every repetition.

----- thats the poa for the next 6 days - today is day one :)

If interested you can find the full page here

Also of note is the -

GENERAL MOTORS WONDER SOUP

The following soup is intended as a supplement to your diet. It can be eaten any time of the day in virtually unlimited quantities. You are encouraged to drink large quantities of this soup.

23 oz water

06 large onions

02 green peppers

03 whole tomatoes

1 cabbage

1 bunch celery - add herbs and seasoning as desired.

--- since I'm currently in India, celery is going to be a problem - wonder if i can substitute it with something... carrots? Probably not - interesting fact bout celery - apparently burns more calories to eat and digest it than it has! NEGATIVE calories - now thats the kinda food I should eat!
(only trouble is unless someone figures out a way to make pizzas and pani puri - amongst a host of things - that ain't gonna work long term for me!)

Have motivated a bunch of friends who are all doing this with me, if you wanna join us - drop me a line - email at the top left conner :)

Toodle-oo!

p.s : OK news flash - apparently the diet I am following and posted here was "tweaked" for India - the original appears here! A delight for non veggi I'm sure (though I dunno bout the more "Hindu" non veg eaters) :( - I am going to go with a spinach and panner/tofu substitute for the beef! YAY Palak paneer!

What the...

2007-05-18T22:14:00.000+05:30

..hell doesn't cut it.
...bl**dy hell doesn't either.
...nor f*ck.

India's airports get orders to arrest Shilpa on arrival.

Shilpa can't leave Mumbai as there is a look-out notice at all airports to detain her for the case against the Richard Gere kissing episode.
--- The above two lines are straight outta Mumbai Mirror
Can it get more ridiculous?
He kissed her on the cheek.
ON THE CHEEK.
IN _INDIA_ - a democratic country (or is that a myth?) - If she doesn't have a problem how can anyone else?!
This is all in such poor, poor, poor taste.
Seriously people, grow up! Ours didn't exactly become the most populace country by holding hands!!

MAY DAY, MAY DAY!!

2007-05-01T12:18:00.000+05:30

Today was Maharashtra day - which translates to HOLIDAY!

Amchi Mumbai (I _know_ I always say it will be only Bombay for me - this is different) is reallly turning up the temperature this year!

Hey you... you there...

...yes, you…you look good enough to eat! :D (or at least that’s what 5th month ol sonali thought after one look at me!)

A lil kid…an over size girl / woman...a crowded train...late at night...love at first sight! (ok lick?!) ;)

Was traveling to ‘south Bombay’ - to begin my many part goodbye to the city I am crazy about. * sniff * . We (friends and yours truly, not the lil darling!) :) went for a leisurely dinner at a swanky joint - its great to have friends who are _NOT_ thrilled with the idea of you leaving! After dinner we went for a mid-night stroll along marine drive – its _beautiful_ - I recommend it, highly! I don’t quite know what it is about the place – makes you wanna throw your arms wide open and claim things impossibly crazy things!
I cannot believe I will be living in India but not Bombay! I truly, truly belong here.

OOOooo btw, I turned a year older and wiser this month (alright alright, I have my doubts on the wiser too! :D ) I’m officially 27 now. Gosh, that sounds positively middle aged! Wait a min, it IS positively middle aged! But hey, age is just a number, right?! Right!
Lots of gal-pals came over..we had a fabulous time (pillow fights and 4 am talks et all) was taken shopping – for everything from shoes to ahem-unmentionables – really nice stuff! Have even managed to start saving up for numero uno on my wish list! (not to mention being surprised witless by flowers from CALIFORNIA! thank-you you) Then an awesome dinner at a newly opened Thai joint...and some more over night partying (nice to have a bday on the weekend!) :)

Have taken up swimming recently (very recently - ain't no svelte-sylphlike-swimmer! yet!!) want to learn playing the guitar – will look that up fairly soon and plan on re-joining the gym! Life is good!!

Oh yea, I’ve to take the GMAT.

Sigh. ;)

If

2007-04-30T05:24:00.001+05:30

...a dear friend finds himself in the position I was in a year ago.. This one is for you my strange, strange german englishman. For all the times you've made me laugh out aloud.. for all the times you've been a shoulder to lean on... and for all the times you've wanted to be there for me.

I wish I was there with you for you now.

If - by Rudyard Kipling.

Many hugs.

Hold the calls...

2007-04-22T23:46:00.000+05:30

...this is going to be a while!

Doobee doobee do doobee doobee da ! :)

I’m happy! Not happy like I’ve just won the lottery happy (rather tough to achieve considering I don’t even buy lottery tickets!) but happy like …well happy :) Like I’m smiling for no reason happy!

Caught up with a very close friend after a fairly long time – yea I’m like that – tune out of even close friends sometimes – not because I don’t care - I know they are close it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t drop the “hey, how are you?” email / call every week – or even every other week for that matter – we would be just as close. And I dunno that female friends get any closer “we” are – platonically that is ;)

One the many questions she asked me was – how long would you “wait” for someone you were romantically involved with – assuming you’ve been together a few years and are 27 + female. (not necessarily yours truly – given my abso luck of hurry at ‘settling down’)

Well, if I really loved the guy?

Yes.

As long as it takes I guess. ( I can see my mum’s blood pressure rise a couple of notches!) ;)

Seriously, if I am with the right person why would I give it up? I mean, yea marriage is great and everything but it is not like I am sitting on a shelf with a sell by date.

How long would you wait for him/her?

she came back online while I was typing this, a few excerpts

************
Me: u know I’ve been happy, as in seriously HAPPY ever since morning - after our looongggg convo - have this silly grin on my face, am jumpy - might have to do with the fact that i might go Para sailing soon ...but largely due to our fix. hope it was as good for you too ;)
VN: :)
VN: yes it was!
VN: got up at 10 and i only slept at 6 - only 4 hours of sleep
Me: wowie, n u r not grumpy - this fix must be good
Me: if only we could bottle and sell the damn thing we'd be freakin rich
VN: :D

*************
Me: nah- its cool - even if he disappears - i'm glad, truly glad I knew him
VN: :D ...glad?
Me: that a guy could write that kinda thing and still be an _interesting_ person - well for all appearances - he doesn't have to be a weep-wappy, marginally gay guy
VN: hey who said only gay guys r that way!!
Me: seriously - either men are _MEN_ - read idiots, or they are melodramatic - very few achieve the happy medium
Me: how many men do you know who would think it was _NOT_ unmacho to write what he wrote about love?
VN: hehe
VN: hmmm
VN: maybe they wudn't
VN: not so eloquently at least
Me: they might think it - but to admit - in front of his REAL life friends - and put it so eloquently? not many - infact i don't know any - K/N might have fit the bill EARLIER but not any more
Me: EXACTLY!!
Me: so actually if he disappears he *might* be doing us a favour - we can hold on to the possibility of a guy being this way
VN: that's true actually
Me: sad, but true

****************

Now for a quick round up of the year so far

Jan saw me ‘acquire’ a new friend – or did she acquire me? I’m not entirely sure ;) Jan 1 : we didn’t know each other – Jan 2 : Both of us had a ‘close friend’. for life. I dunno who we have to thank – Joe / Sadhguru. She was also instrumental – read stood on my head till I gave in, not to mention bought my ticket – in my going to an Ashram.

Yup, spent over 3 weeks there. And loved EVERY min of it. No wait, I lie – I _HATED_ as in _ABHORED_ the min it dawned on me I HAD to go back. :)

Went with a one way ticket to Combitore – cause I was not entirely sure I’d would be able to manage the complete the 8 day course – wound up being grateful that I hadn’t bought the return, saved on cancellation fees! Scared my family/friends plenty - many wondered if I was about to give up the materialistic world all together! :D

Feb saw a COLOSSAL amount of shopping! HAD to come back because STEFANY was coming (she thought she had the ticket for 3rd march instead of 3rd feb!) my scrabble friend of 4 years. We had never met before but consider each other sisters, and that is exactly what it was like. We enjoyed the short 7 days she was here so much that come September: when her contract runs in out (currently working in South Korea) she will be visit again before heading back for Canada. I may even visit S.K in August!

March saw me …well, get dehydrated! Bombay saw record temperatures which made going out during the day madness! Think temperatures OVER 42 degrees. Think power cuts. Twice a day – officially. And many, many times unofficially! It also saw me reopen my books - study time :-S

April... umm I drank tea after a whole year. Its been a year since... Love you pa.

Also today - Oanh and I - deciding definitively that she is visiting India later this year (we used to study together in Calif) _YAY_! ---anndddd we are going to bridge the gap of geography and study together despite being half way across the globe! :) to quote you girl "lets do this together - I'm sure we can beat it!"

VT killings : awful as this might sound the first thought was "thank god Kunal and Nimit are safe!" Friends who study there - and are currently out on vacation. I don't honestly know what to say - madness of this variety? in an EDUCATIONAL institution? Hope all of you keep the young souls and their families your prayers - including the family of the killer.

I know I’ve been away long (must have been REALLY long – am no longer the first search result for my name! : am still to make up my mind if that is a good thing or bad – mostly good I’d think) – sorry my princess caller :) , sumo my most regular page checker, hmmm – buttt then again, dunc – all IS well, glad to see you around :) Neil – I did, now your turn! …Will, my meaniepie – I cannot thank you enough for being, well you :P – though a little less you would be nice every once in a while! :PPP and to alllll those you still stop by!

p.s : A pal recently launched

a NEW SITE

do give it a dekho (look-see) when time permits :)

Politically correct? I think NOT!

2007-03-24T01:41:00.000+05:30

Hello there!

I'm back, and how!

Will write something interesting & original (ok ok, will try to do so?! hey 1 outta 2 is good enough :P)

For now couldn't help but 'borrow' this from Darshan (originally written by Karan Thapar)

N'joy!

The ‘right’ greeting for tomorrow - written on 23rd Dec 06

With 24 hours to go, there are a fair number of people in America and Britain wondering whether ‘Merry Christmas’ would be a suitable greeting tomorrow. After two thousand and six years, they’re questioning the acceptability of the sentiment. Will it offend non-Christians?

It’s over a decade since a US presidential card has actually mentioned Christmas. Even the born-again George W has not reversed this cultural pusillanimity. But this year in Britain some cards are actually wishing ‘Happy Holidays’ instead. In Birmingham a few local councillors have chosen to rename the Christian festival ‘Winterval’, as if the onset of the freezing season was something to celebrate! And a recent survey by the law firm, Peninsula, has found that an astonishing 74 per cent of employers have disallowed Christmas decorations in their offices.

At the bottom of this bizarre nonsense — to call it concern for the feelings of non-Christians is tantamount to abuse of the latter, because none would feel aggrieved by the celebration of Christmas — is the exaggerated pursuit of political correctness taken all the way to the point of madness. It’s one thing to address women as ‘Ms’, drop the golliwog from Robertson’s jam and re-write most of Enid Blyton, but is it necessary to view religious festivities as competitions of faith? And then to assume they are in conflict and that the enjoyment of one is somehow the demotion or denigration of another?

Of course, not everyone in the West has succumbed to this mid-winter madness. My old friend Trevor Phillips, now Chairman of Britain’s Commission for Racial Equality, has sent Christmas cards which mock this fashion for political correctness. With a traditional nativity scene on the cover, they carry tongue-in-cheek doodlings such as ‘Three wise men can’t be all men’ and ‘The snow looks hideously white’. It’s a jab in the eye of the Birmingham brigade. But I wonder how much of the credit goes to Trevor’s Indian wife, Asha?

India with its myriad faiths — though sometimes a lot less tolerance — can remind our western cousins one doesn’t have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas. Or Eid, or Diwali or Passover for that matter.

I grew up eagerly anticipating the 25th of December. I enjoy singing carols, hungrily tuck into the turkey and mince pies and find Christmas trees a comforting presence except, of course, when the cleaning-up starts on the 5th! So, tomorrow, regardless of whether you’re Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, Jain or Parsi — or even a Christian! — I shall greet you with a loud and cheery ‘Merry Christmas’. And, frankly, that’s what I expect in return.

However, today let me borrow a more elaborate and legally precise greeting received by email from my cousin Bhartu in New York. Needless to say, I’ve taken his express permission to pass it on:

“Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that India is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

Cheers!!!”

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T00:50:00.000+05:30

Hello people!

The new year is here - well atleast in India it is!

Welcome 2007!!!

Many dreams and hopes are pinned to you! Ooops, I don't want to weigh you down right away... sit down...some water? Tea perhaps?? No? Oh ok..
Its just that I've waited a lonnggg while for you (it felt like forever!) and then again the past months... years... seem to have gone past in the blink of an eye.
Wasn't it just day before when I came back from school with a torn uniform and triumphant face? Didn't I go on my first date and walk back hand in hand yesterday? Didn't dad call me unhurried precision just a few mins ago??
Nope? ah well...
Feels that way!
Some of your friends have been really nice, 1980... 1991... oh and yes, 1997 - gosh, he was such a nice year, I lost like 20 kilos, did reasonably well in my studies (missed the merit list by a couple of marks!) How are they? Do tell them I asked when you see them next, willya?

What was that?
2006? Cripes! He was such a jerk!!! Good riddance to baddd rubbish!

I'm glad you are here! Hope you bring me and everyone else a lot of joy and happiness!

Are you sure bout the tea? Some coffee perhaps?? No? Just milk??

Oh ok, I shall let you rest for now, tomorrow promises to be a bright day!

Fresh takes

2006-12-29T23:02:00.000+05:30

Hello people!

The reason I haven't been showing my face in these parts is the test was an unmitigated debacle.

No wait.

Misplaced modifier.

My performance on the test was an unmitigated debacle.

Buttt all is not lost. I can – and I will – take the test again *shudder* and this time I will ace it.

Hopefully.

No, I will.

Ok, for while this is going to become the place I come to moan about study woes. Anyone with ideas on how someone who hasn’t touched math in 10 years should go about preparing for it (my basics are ridiculously shaky) – other than going at it for 18 hours a day – gimme a shout.

Also anyone else interested in taking the test – Jan / Feb time frame – maybe we could push each other to study – this will probably work best if you live in Bombay (close to thane would be awesome!)

In other news – health front seems to be getting better though the damn pseudo arthritis (resultant of all the heavy, resistant, medication I am on) is still there.

2007…hopefully this will be a much nicer year!

A belated merry x’mas and a ‘Appy New Year to all!!

Na tum humen jaano... na hum tumen jaane... magar lagta hai kuch aise mera humdum mil gaya

2006-12-09T01:25:00.000+05:30

To come back and have empty wall resonate with past voices.

To feel like every time you turn around you, you just missed seeing him.

To think that if only you had turned a second sooner, you would have seen him.

To be able to still feel his presence, smell him around you, hear his voice, almost able to see him...
...and yet not.

And not know why.

No wait, to not want to accept why.

Is this really it?

Will I never, ever, see him again?

Really?

Why?

Everytime I walk through the house, his house, I have the overwhelming urge to scream out "appa"...as if this time he will respond.. this time I will realise it was all a baddd dream, much like the ones I had as a kid.
ones I used to wake him up for. And cry over. And have him tell me "don't be silly!"

yee raat yee chandni phir kahan... sun ja dil ki dastan...

one of his fav songs is playings and inexplixably I feel totally bereft...and closer to him at the same time.

I know there will come a day when I don't mourn him, atleast so painfully.

But that day isn't here yet.

Love you, dad.

Always and forever.

Happy birthday daddy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news I'm taking THE exam on the 14th of Dec 2006 finally. Hopefully things will go well for me - wish me luck, and loads of it!! :)

Room with a view

2006-11-24T05:02:00.000+05:30

Singapore as most of you know is an island country.

But what I didn't know is this - you can go from coast to coast in about an hour! Thats all!!

For someone from Bombay I cannot explain how strange that feels! It took me longer than that to just go to work!!

Am staying with my cousin sister, who has an amazing home... with an extra-ordinary view.

Think 21st floor.

Think sweeping semi circular balcony (the length of 4 bedrooms and a hugeee living room).

Think city light to the left.

Think ocean to the right.

Thats pretty much my view.

Its best my bathroom actually, if one looks out of the window at a certain angle one can see shiny city lights.. which has its own charm... and looking on from the 21st floor... ummmm

And then you turn your head another direction... greeennn trees... a few ships dotting the horizion (Singapore is one of the busiest ports in the world )....and the beautiful sea.

Shades of blue... aquamarine...

I could look at it for hours!

And the sky!!

The sky looks especially wonderfull streched over the sea.

After writing the above, I borrowed my cousin's digi-cam and went crazy taking snaps - dunno how to upload them, yet, may take a friend's help and get to it.

We went to Sentoza yesterday evening.. saw the musical fountain and light show. Apparently one of the few in the world that combines halography, lazer and musical fountain... was a fun evening.

My sister's twins keep us busy - and entertained - for the most part (boy and girl pair).

Fun times! :)

p.s: reaching Bombay-also to be read as 'home'- 25th LATE night.

Farewell

2006-11-21T20:33:00.000+05:30

...farewell America... farewell.

I have grown to love you... though now I must leave you.

Till we met again.

Who?

2006-11-14T07:45:00.000+05:30

A few months ago someone left the below in the comments section :

Love wants to make me swing,
Wants to make me fall,
And give into this attraction,

You make me want to sing,
Make me feel so small,
As my heart beats to these patterns,

I want to make you love me,
But that would never work at all,
Seeing that your heart is yours,
And this one is mine,
I really have no right,
To tell you how to feel inside,

Love pulls me on this string,
Over lines we drew,
These little lines of hope,
Fooling me to think,
It brings me closer to you,

You hate me now its over,
I'm not in love and sober,
And realising all the things,
I did and took from you,

I wanted you to love me,
You did all along,
But your heart was yours,
And I never quite knew what it said,
Until we said goodbye,

These little lines of hope,
I drew to help me hold your hand,
When I always knew you'd leave,
Fade and just keep fading,
Until I have to draw them again,
So I don't forget,
And make the same mistake,
Next time I'm in love,
Not that I could replace you..

...for whatever reason the person didn't see fit to reveal his/her name. I have (had?) a fair inkling who it was - though questioning from my side didn't result in anything - other than silence.

I sometimes wonder.

Who?

Is it...?

Who?

If _you_ still come by and are reading this...I would very much like to know...you.

Things may not be as hopeless as you think.

I feel good....na na NAna na! I feel good!!

2006-11-07T15:45:00.000+05:30

The 'man' discussed in the previous post (the first one that is) is not really a bad guy.

Not at all.

I wrote on the 1st/2nd of nov :

Another day.

Another round of "talks".

Talks that lead to no action.

What is beyond fustrating is the knowledge that his heart is in the right place (atleast thats what my gut tells me)

Despite that, comments like "I don't want to stoop to your level" seem to 'slip out'. Memory lapses are more common then not.

Am at my wits end.

Fact :
I enjoy studying with him (enjoyed - past tense?)
He really has a good grounding in the subject matter.
Studying with him would give me the much needed escape route to get out of the house on most days if not everyday.
Despite having an amazingly supportive group of friends - there is only so much one can 'teach' in math over the phone - he is here, in person - and VERY willing to teach. It wouldn't be wrong to go so far as to say - the most willing - he keeps trying to make amends and re-open doors to teach me.

Also Fact :
He has a low threshold for silly mistakes.
Once an idea gets into his head there is no talking to him.
Most times I feel like I'm talking to a completely deaf audience.

And from being the one person I wanted to discuss what I was doing everyday, in detail, he is slowing becoming the one person I don't want discuss studies with.

What do I do?!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I guess his level of intellect (highhh) and my level of math (ridiculously low) was just a bad combo. I was not faulting his dedication to the task at hand - just his methods at times. Thats all :o)

We have since kinda, sorta, well actually - resolved it.

For now, GMAT prep, math and midnight drives... Oh yea... and milkshakes.

Happy times.

And comfortable quite silences.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second man in the previous post. Wispery ghost from the past... Have drawn many moments of comfort with just the memories.

Thank you for those.

Width by strangulation

2006-10-30T14:02:00.000+05:30

Hmmm.

Men.

Sorry, man. Singular.

What does one say to someone who takes time out of his life to help a virtual stranger - investing his time and energy - small financial outlay not even taken under consideration - in one not yet a friend?
When that someone gets sooo involved with the "project" at hand that bumps (huge road blocks if you will) along the way cause unexpected... and unbelievable rise in temper ...blood pressure too?
When a guy willingly agrees to give up every evening to help someone else, someone he has only just met, prepare for an exam?
And then blow his top at them - repeatedly - over silly (numerous, however) silly mistakes?
Upto to the point of making the person question their very self worth?

Guess I spoke too soon. Guess no one believes in me.

I remind myself, I don't need anyone else to - I believe in myself. I do.

And despite however much...however much I remind myself...

An ol memory teases me from the recesses of my mind. A forgotten past beckons ... and I know not any way of turning back time. Of finding myself warped up in infinite warmth and his arms once again. He with his soft words and soothing voice... and unquestioning acceptance...

I wish... I wish I knew how...

Do you?

I'm backkk

2006-10-27T12:20:00.000+05:30

Keep meaning to write about alll my travels (which were cut short thanks to the stupid Canadian lady who denied my visa!) (UUuugggg, there is a word I HATE - _VISA_)

Must, MUST, quit with the apathetic, crawling, dawdling, delaying, dilatory, disinclined, dreamy, drowsy, easy, gradual, heavy, idle, imperceptible, inactive, indolent, inert, lackadaisical, laggard, lagging, lazy, leaden, leisurely, lethargic, listless, loitering, measured, negligent, passive, phlegmatic, plodding, ponderous, postponing, procrastinating, quiet, reluctant, remiss, slack, sleepy, slothful, slow-moving, sluggish, snaillike, stagnant, supine, tardy, torpid, tortoiselike approach I seem to have toward this blog of mine.
All attempts must be made to turn it into a brisk, fast paced, rapidly updating one!

Right.

Right?

Hmmm, my voice seems to echo off an almost empty page..

The Canadian leg of the trip didn't happen due to the _VISA_ (To Yesha's and my great disappointment!) though NJ, NY, Philly, Baltimore, and Washington DC were all wonderful!

Met a lot of interesting and delightful people, Geeta di and family (especial darling Juhi)Stayed with them for a large chunk of the trip, made me feel right at home. Some friends are the kinds that remain just as close as they were, no matter how many years pass without meeting up - last time I saw Geeta was when she visited us about 7 years ago!
Liz and Craig (to whom I owe many, many thanks - for everything - the amazing meals, the tour of NY city (am in LOVE with central park - could spend entire days there), palm readings, ren fair, midnight hikes, fresh air...but most importantly inviting me into their home and hearts.
Shubra di for still thinking of me as "pammu"...her best friend's lil sister...and therefore, the little sister she never had... but always wanted :)
Zohan for showing me an alien culture could be 'just like mine'. For taking to me so instantanously. And the many small "gifts" you brought by every single day I was there. (And continue to send every opportunity you get!)
To Sue, Ravi, Smriti, Devon, Jamie, Demitri (love the music - and yup, I'm glad I dunno what the hell they are saying in Russian), Neerja, Divya, Tanu - Had a great time! :)

--- The above is a long over due post. These days I spend my time studying - or trying to study when SHEER laziness doesn't overwhelm me - to take the GMAT. Hope to take it before I leave the United Stated - leave on the 21st of Nov. (have mixed, very mixed feelings about leaving - which is strange since I thought I would be thrilled to bits)

Many thanks to Abhi for attempting to wake me up. Well most mornings ;) (I admit - in public - I owe you a few book reviews) :P And the many hours of english grammer - and WHY something is wrong!!
To Baruun for all the math and the "on demand" music. You are the best!
To Stef, my sis :).
And to Ashwin for thinking of me as an "uncut diamond, waiting to be polished". - For your belief in me and my intellect, when let alone anyone else, I don't believe in it myself. For pushing me to achieve my best.
And to Naveen. For being the _FIRST_ person to tell me, "hey, I may not be around tomorrow. I am here today - thats all I can tell you."
For always, always being there.

Labour day weekend special!

2006-09-03T12:52:00.000+05:30

Busy day today!
Got up bright and early to be told we were off to the farmer's market - my first time ever! Was good fun... other then the usual suspects - veggis and fruits - there were things like homemade bread and yummy delights like strawberry short cake! And right besides the street where the farmers market was being held was a water fountain with pretty seating arrangements. Had a wonderful time!
Quick pit stop at home dump all the perishable items into the fridge and get started on loads, loads, of laundry. While the spin cycle did its thing we were off - to CostCo for important things like Pringles and lays. Oh yea, the odd grocery thingy found its way into our cart too.
Having got our store of adipose tissue building eats (read immensly fattening) we made our way home.
A friend came over and we took of to hunt for "labour day" bargins/sales. Found a couple of really nice ones. There was this one which looks like you are wearing a formal white button down shirt on the inside and a sweater on the outside - but is acutally just one peice.
Piping hot samosas were in the neighbourhood so my friend suggested we pay them a visit - so we did! Ummmm, they we niiicceeee!!
....Whistle I was on the shopping trip my sister and brother in law (bless that man!) went out and bought sleeping bags.
Why you asketh?
'Cause we are off bright and early!! We are going CAMPING!! Oh joy is me!! :o)
10.00 at night saw all the Padmanabhan women wrestling animatedly with "muli paratha" dough (india bread with raddish in it)
Making enough to feed 45 people is so not fun! When we took on making the bread there were to be two familys - ours and my cousins - that was at the start of the day... people kept getting added!!
Strawberry milkshake (made by yours truly) capped the wonderful day...
...its 12.15 now and my bed beckons (especially consider tonight ours is to be a short affair - i shall have to leave its warmth bright and early!)
Labour weekend turned out pretty nice - got to shop and camp! :o)

YAY, I'm going CAMPING!!!

Travels!

2006-09-01T12:35:00.000+05:30

Plenty of travel on the cards for me!

Off to NY on the 7th.. Then on to Baltimore on the 15th... Seattle on the 28th... And finally Vancouver, Canada on 30th!

So, YAY!

The big weekend is almost here (for the Indian friends : three day weekends like labour weekend is time for everyone to pile into cars and 'head out'. Or at the very least to the shop of your choice for "incredible savings!" ) and we still haven't decided whether we are going camping or shopping!

My vote is for the camping but we'll see.

Hows it going for you? Whatchya doing this weekend?

World Trade Center

2006-08-26T15:06:00.000+05:30

Its 1.31 at night. Just got back from seeing the movie World Trade Center

My take : Nothing is "special" about it. No political message. No heroics. Nothing.
Just the story of men who actually went in before utter and complete chaos struck. And survived because of plain and simple, ridiculously good luck. That and the sheer desire and will to survive.
And if the movie is to be believed - the kind of love that keeps a person alive. :)

SYNOPSIS : For the most part the movie focus on the true story of Will Jimeno and John McLoughlin, two Port Authority police officers who rushed into the burning World Trade Center on 9/11 to help rescue people but became trapped in the rubble themselves when the tower collapsed.

John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage) is the veteran cop who has became an authority on the WTC after the '93 attack and helped create evacuation strategies. (This situation, however,is something that catches him completely off guard.) William Jimeno (Michael Pena) is the rookie cop who volunteers to jump into the fray when many of his fellow cops hesitate.

This movie is Tiatanic in a different setting. And what makes it special, to me at any rate, is this : Its the real thing. Life. Up close and its very personal.

I saw titanic something like 4 times in a movie hall. What can i say? I was young and dumb. And had an excessive number of female friends who wanted to see the movie. Oh, also I thought the song by Celion Dion was amazing.

The people I saw the movie today with were a little...well, upset that it had no "political message". Oliver Stone has made a largely apolitical film - And I for one aplaud him for it.

People from 87 countries died that day.

For me the fact that this movie has no message, no politics involved in it - just the human spirit, is what makes it special. I suggest you go see it.

Don't be expected to be blown away by heroics. Don't expect to see stunning footage you haven't previously seen. Heck, don't even expect to hear very moving dialogs or speeches.

Go because its life. Cause it could have been you attending office / meeting / seminar there that day.

Or worse, your loved one.

Alimarp : Pramila - who am I ?

2006-08-16T19:11:00.000+05:30

Earlier this evening (is it really morning now?!) ah well, last night I guess :o) I did one such "about me" ...and my 'Will' on reading it suggested I put it up here - so here I am.

Usually quite a laugh I'm told... unless you catch me on one of my off days... then god help ye!

Often spontaneous - brought in my sixteenth birthday riding a bike - on a national highway - in my 'short' shorts (hey, i was born in SUMMER) meant to be worn ONLY at home - on the bike accquired only 8 hours before - no practice whatsoever! (almost met my maker that night)

Indugle in speed - the distance over time variety - NOT the drug! Don't smoke - and recommend you don't either.

Love getting to know people - everyone is a puzzle, though very few make it to "friends" zone.

Enjoy a good debate, which doesn't include reasoning like "..because!" Exchanging long emails also make it to the list of things I enjoy.

Take my commitments seriously, when I make them.

Dad, who is one of the most intelligent men I've ever known, uses "Unhurried precision" to describe me. For those of you reading this unable to comphrehend the sutble jab, let me simplify - punctuality / legerity / promptitude / celerity / what have you - is not my strong suit, yet. Yet.

My political leanings are very liberal. Am not the most avid follower of the News.

Enjoy the outdoors, love being able to spend time enveloped in the lap of nature. Though would hate to be hog-tied to just the country life - grew up in a big city - and I like the city!

Am, or so all my teachers lead me to believe, some what gifted in intellect - have never shown any real evidence of it to my knowledge - acdemically atleast.

Travel and learning about other cultures is something... The song Around The World< - By Dune says it best.
http://www.pixcom.dk/dune/Lyrics.htm#Around%20The%20World/

My heart belongs to India. Always will.

I don't discount the unknown.

Get drunk ...on LIFE - nope, not the name of a new drink.

Not in the best shape of my life currently - mentally : some reasons previously stated here. physically : I tend eat when unhappy - and judging from the way I look currently, I must be grief striken!

If you don't respect elders (any elders - not just your own) and/or think kicking defenceless puppies is fun, even once in a while - Its almost a given I'm not going to like you very much.

I'm very analytical. I cry at movies. I usually say less than I mean.

And on occasion get really verbose! ;o) So in summation..

Totally confused, completely self-assured, unbelievably naive, extremely astute, a cynic, a 'forever optimist'. A pile of contradictions!

Why i have been missing..

2006-07-07T01:37:00.000+05:30

I'm often asked why I no longer write. (now you there, its not polite to snigger that way!)

Seriously tough as it might be to believe, I'm often asked why I no longer write. Is it for want of topics to write about? No, not really. Is it then for lack of desire to write, to share my life experiences such as they are? Ummm, no i wouldn't say its that either, considering I catch myself writing posts...in my head that is!
Then why don't I write? You have me there.

It could be because I have been ill, AGAIN. That I had to undergo a pretty majoy surgery on 20th April 2006. And it didn't work out so well. (unfortunately for the world, I will live! Have to be on pretty heavy dose medication for 18 months though) :)

Also I no longer am in the bay which was bombed. I am based in another bay area. Far, far away from mine. I now live in Santa Clara, C.A.

However if I were to hazzard a guess I would say it was because then I would have to put down in writing what has been going on in my life. Which in turn would mean having to accept it. Something I still haven't been able to do in its entirety.
It is too overwhelming for my heart and head. To realise he won't be there when I finally get into an MBA program hurts. To imagine getting married without him by my side cracking silly jokes (not to mention giving me away like i'm a bag of patatoes or something!) makes me double up with horrifying pain. To know that now if I don't know the meaning of a word I can't simply run to him/call him up is awfull.

But the absolute WORST is....is knowing he simply will never be there again. Ever.

Dad lost to cancer on 10th of April, 2006.

MENNN

2006-01-28T23:22:00.000+05:30

AAAAAGGGGGGGGggggggggggggggg

Men!!
Baaahhhhhhhh!!!

Ok, when is it ok for a guy to “make a move”?
What is the correct response from a girl when a guy does make a move, straight outta the blue? Should she just say no? slap him? Shove him backward? What does one do if one is in the confines of a car? A locked one at that?
What do you do when someone you have known your whole life – not practically your whole life, your WHOLE life.. as in your parents were neighbors and friends before you were even born! – makes a crude move on you, after 3 or 4 years of no contact!
Here is a story…
A girl, more then just curvy…someone who has always had a battle with the bulge… growing up was the most undesirable girl…or at least that was what she was given to believe by every guy and girl in the group..
The guy… reasonably nice..as in he didn’t torment her about her weight quite as much as the other children..

The guy’s mum comes over to the girl’s house…mentions guys new job… gurl gets guy’s number and congratulates the guy over text… guy immediately texts back saying stuff like how have you been…we really haven’t met up in ages…why don’t we meet? gurl says sure, lets make a plan… guy says great, I’ll call after work…
…calls after work as promised and brings up meeting after they have finished catching up on who is getting married to whom… who is working where… gurl says “sure, lets meet for a movie or something”… guy says “let us?...meaning the whole group or do I get to ask you out on a date?” …girl *thrown a little..laughs* but comes back with “well, how should I know if you get to ask me out on a date!” …he goes “ok, a date then…and we will make it lunch and a movie”
…she is wondering why the sudden desire to meet up..
the convo is outrageously flirting or so she thinks – admittedly this is one arena she could do with some training in.  …though point to note is that flirting seems to revolve around them getting together – long term sorts..
they decide to meet for a movie and dinner instead of lunch as the guy has a business meeting he can’t get out of …
the next morning she gets a text msg saying dinner looks a little bleak but they can meet up for a couple of hours at around 3 in the afternoon if she is ok with it?
She is like… ookkkk…but if its so much of a hassle they can always just meet up later… he is like no no…we’ll keep the movie and dinner for next weekend.. but lets just meet up today…she agrees…
He picks her up and starts driving…she asks him a where they were going a couple of times and he says… you decide…
Finally she says…look you are obviously driving with a destination in mind… so why not just share it with me… he goes “generally in the evenings I drive to this place (mentions a lake – a hangout for many youngsters) and listen to music..so I thought we could go there…”
She agrees… they get there …she is running out of topics to talk bout… and he is contributing little or nothing to the conversation…girl looks out of the window once the car is parked… after a bit..
After a bit.. she feels him rubbing her hand… the reverse side of her palm..in a decidedly weirdish fashion… its still not sinking in…
Then he starts talking crap about how wonderfully hot she looks…she thinks its obviously an extension of the night before’s crap and laughs it off… he is persistent.. and she goes, yea right!!! At this he says look at yourself from my eyes and more corny stuff like that!...cups the side of her face and tries to rub his thumb over her lips…
Warning bells go off in her head… BIG TIME…
That’s when it dawns on her “gurl, this guy is not kidding…he really thinks you are going to make out with him!”
She doesn’t know which to be more appalled about… that he thought she would just get into a car with him after 4 years and go make out…or it was HIM… someone she had climbed mango trees.. repaired cycles with…
The unreality making her laugh more then scream… politely keeps returning his hands (and he surely seemed to have more then his fair share of two!) and tells him.. its really not happening! His comical expression... “seriously? You can’t be that boring!!”
Once he is reconciled to the idea that she is not on the same page he starts with his “I’ll convince you… I can be very convincing…” to her repeating…all the action you are seeing is holding hands! (she realized the easiest way to evade “caresses” was to hold his hands”
She suggests going for a drive/drink or else just going home.. cause nothing else was going to happen..
…riiinnngggg…
literally saved by the bell…he gets a call from his office.. and needs to rush… tries to get out of it half heartedly.. but she implores him not to as she wants to go home anyways…
he drives her half way back…while she is getting outta the car he reminds her of next weekend urging her to keep herself free!

...later that night he texts her “ so whats up? Me reaching home. Had a nice time with you.” …she doesn’t reply… so he sends her the same txt again!
(had a nice time?!? Nice must have a different definition on planet desperate!)
…what should she do!?
Its not like he is a very good friend she can’t live without or anything.. however she does have some fond memories of him… one time as children when she was accused of stealing something everyone believed the worst, without so much as asking her!And he was the only one who told her why the others were not talking normally with her… and stood up for her told the others she couldn’t do something like that… and helped prove her innocence..
What does one do in a situation like this?

Its only fair that i talk bout dad now eh?

2006-01-14T20:25:00.001+05:30

1989 /1990 :

Ashmita (someone who once was a best..no THE best friend.. we were born days apart in the same year..and were virtually joint at the hip till we were bout 17..but that’s neither here nor there..) and I were sitting around yapping away as usual after school.. dad had come home for lunch and could over hear us talking his vantage point at the dining table..

Ashmita : Hey do you know Prachi is going to Singapore with the school trip!
Me : Really? Wow.. lucky her!

Dad : *looking questioningly at me* what school trip?
Me : oh nothing.. just a school trip...the are taking students to Singapore this year..
Dad : why aren’t you going???
Me : its too expensive!
Dad : *leaving his half eaten food* ..come inside.. (in that tone of voice) NOW
Me : *wondering like the dickens what I had done now*

In another room..
Dad : how dare you make the decision that its too expensive!
Me : but dad it was rs. 5000!!
Dad : who are you to decide I can’t afford it for my daughter?
Me : appa I thought it was too expensive..*almost bleeting*
Dad : as long your father is alive you leave these decisions to me! How dare you not give me the circular about it!

*with each sentence his voice raising.. showing extreme displeasure*
me wondering why I was being howled at for not making demands.. for being understanding..

I was allowed to escape from the room only when I promised I would do everything to find out how I could enroll (I felt it prudent to leave out the fact that the last date for it was past at the time!...and when he DID find out – and find out he did, cause he would ask me every single day! – a fresh and renewed , kinda like the “new and improved”, bout of howling ensured!) (ppsssstttt..have you ever wonder how they improved something that was new?)

Indulgent to a fault.. protective like you won’t believe..my hero..my daddy strongest!
(I came up with that line _ages_ before the add!)

2006
Today he looks at me with eyes staring death in the face and says “_ _ _ _ _ do something.. “ and there is not a god damn thing I can do.
Not one.
The helplessness is beyond over whelming. It’s crushing.
Like he says.. its not the pain..that can be controlled ..it’s the general body debility that can’t.
Bloody cancer.

MAAAaaa!

2006-01-13T14:49:00.000+05:30

Mothers! Honestly!!
Jesuschristzuperstar!!! (I know thou shalt not take thy lord’s name in vain and all that.. but the good lord made mothers!!!)
Mine is a classic example of a “mixed breed Indian ma”.
She is neither the typical orthodox mother who will use 10 liters of coconut oil and insist that I do up my hair only in a traditional plait nor will she be cool with the idea of her daughter coming home past 10! ( though I do! Many times!!)
Recently a male friend of mine once again issued an invitation to come see his performance (he is a classical musician) at an annual festival – trouble is he is not based in the same city as I am… and on all previous occasions when the invitation was issued I had some solid reason why I couldn’t make it – exams around the corner or wouldn’t get leave from work.. or dad’s health… this time none of the reason were there.. except I couldn’t afford it as a result of my strained finances (haven’t worked for 6 months! – thank the lord above I lead a pretty frugal existence and most of my sal wound up getting saved)
He totally waved this aside and said he wanted to pay anyway, something along the lines of my presence there would a gift to himself! And promised me I would be back within 3 days so I needn’t worry over much about dad or mom either! Only glitch was he didn’t know whether air tickets would still be available so close to the date! I didn’t know how to react… what to say.. he said he would find out if tickets were available and call me right back..
I was bemused… and.. and…yes I wanted to go! I normally don’t make a habit of accepting gifts from people (ok fine! Usually kick up a fuss!!) but this was a gooddd friend… he could afford it (without even flinching!) and I could really use the break! (and I could pay him back later once my finances got sorted out!)
While he was finding out about the tickets I asked my mom – and she completely freaked out! NOOO WAYYY.
End of discussion! I have a feeling Victorian mothers would have been better!
I have an ancestral house in that city – so it wasn’t like I was going to live with him… just go see him perform but NOOO.
Why? Cause “its not good” !!
A few mins later a travel agent called telling me that the tickets were booked! And I had to cancel the tickets – he hasn’t spoken to me since.. understandable I guess.
I miss being special to someone.. miss someone fussing over me.. miss not HAVING to plan doctor appointments the moment I get up… (and if not doctors then dentists! – am having a root canal done right now!) three days… three carefree days… where I would have been wined and dined.. and treated like a princess. Literally! The man in question is a prince – as in from a royal family! Not to mention one of the _nicest_ men I've _EVER_ met... and is interesting compay...
But no. I am stuck here trying to workout how to get him to forgive me…and looking at my watch trying to figure out how much time I have before my dentist’s appointment. :|

Here I am yet again!

2005-11-27T00:07:00.000+05:30

Dad got back EARLY this morning (should I say late last night? Where does 00.15 hours fall?) however could get outta the crazy Bombay airport only after 2.30!
Whistle waiting (and acquiring some neat looking blisters on the underside of my feet) I happened to be peering into the glass window outside the airport.. hoping to catch a glimpse of dad. Was backing away from the wall without looking at who was coming at me… and happened to sorta bump into the most beautiful woman in the world.
Nope.
Haven’t changed my sexual orientation! Honestly she was the most beautiful woman in the world. To be specific – Miss World – Aishwarya Rai!
Let me tell ye people, she is every bit as stunning in person as she looks in movies / snaps et all. But as always she gave me the impression of being “too perfect” ...a little plasticy.. Barbie doll?
Was talking to a male friend earlier this evening when I mentioned this to him and said something like
me : she is really beautiful and smells awesome… and if I were a guy I’d love to sit across her and have dinner.. but she isn’t the kinds I’d wanna jump into bed with..
he : *abso stunned silence* and then.. you must be NUTS!! ..in a heartbeat!
...what do _you_ think?

Ze road to hell is paved with good intentions!

2005-11-14T18:15:00.000+05:30

(meant to come back sooner!!! ..well, without further ado)

As the title rightly says : Ze road to hell is paved with good intentions!
(dad _keeps_ saying this!)

I can do virtually anything; conquer all my weaknesses, triumph, tomorrow. ;)
Ever notice this strange thing about our resolutions? They always, always, start at a later date/time then the present. (dunno bout yours, mine do!)
I will quit eating junk food, lose oodles of weight...lay claim to a great bod... tomorrow. (for now that pani puri / pizza / whathaveyou is tooo enticing!)
I will get better at replying to emails, calls and write regularly, tomorrow onwards! :-S
I will, really will, study like the dickens and get into a great grad school.. tomorrow.. next month.. next year. (wonder what’s wrong with today)

Hmmm, why haven’t I been writing?

Well, for starters I wasn’t well.
As in a little more serious then irritating lumps appearing all over my body.
As in I needed to be admitted into a hospital.
As in I have T.B. Yes, Tuberculosis. Cox.

Oh, plus I had pleural effusion (pleural effusion = water accumulation in the lungs). (had? ..well, ummm..truth be told there still is ‘minimal’ effusion) Which meant my pleura needed to be punctured to aspirate the “water” out? (_NOT_ fun)
Situation was a little too alarming for my family so my mum decided to come back to India to look after me however as luck would have it, her fractured leg began acting up. MRI results showed a small piece of bone had been dislocated and the only course of action for relief was an operation. Hrumph :|
So operation we did have.
This madness began in July (when i was alll alone in Bombay) – yup during the mad rains / floods that washed over Bombay.
Maybe in a weird way I was lucky to not have been well as that ensured I was stuck at home with a temperature of 104 degrees on the fateful 26th july. But then again, it also meant I was stranded at home in that state with neither water nor electricity. For over 3 days..

Current situation :
Dad – strangely enough, he, the one who is “really” ill (sorry akka, that’s how I feel..) is doing ok. Though has to take 2.. sometimes 3 pain killers to get through one day.
He is currently on a clinical trial involving 3 drugs. Alternatively you could call it 3 trials.
1 something like gemcite - the old chemo thing.
2 is a pill - tarciva
3 is Avastin
Of these the first and the third are in the form of drip infusion.

Mom – her leg is healing well. Hopefully on the road to a fully recovery. Though movement is largely restricted for now. If her visa comes through she will be leaving for N.Z come Dec 1st for my cousing Anisha's wedding.

Me – well, I am just too damn stubborn to stay ill for long (though the past 4 months don’t bode well for my track record!)
Have a “cold abscess” in my right chest wall – which has been aspirated twice. Still some pus persists. I’m determined to have the last word. We shall see...
Minimal effusion persists, but phoo to that!!
The induced arthritis (apparently TB medication can do that is some rare cases) is almost non existent now. Ahem, I didn’t mention that before? Oh well...
There was a period where life didn’t seem very worth living considering I couldn’t breathe without killing pain... never mind walking / leading a normal life.
Strangely despite all this I still sulk about having to take my injections – get shot alternate days. The current course is 60 injections – meaning 4 months. If the minimal thingy doesn’t go away.. it might become 90 injections!
Nahhiiiiiiiiiii !!! :)
(nahi = NO in hindi)

The upside? I have lost a wee bit of weight! Hooray! ..not enough, but it’s a start.

To better things!

Alive.

2005-10-28T18:50:00.000+05:30

Barely.

buttt (not the one you are thinkin of!...though mine is quite niceish!) ;)

It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing wants to go my way--
yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily

Even my skin is acting weird
I wish that I could grow a beard
Then I could cover up my spots
not play connect the dots
I just wanna disappear

[Chorus:]
Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here

Even something as simple as
Forgettin' to fill up on gas
There ain't no explanation why--
things like that can make you cry
Just gotta learn to have a laugh

[Repeat Chorus]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...

When everything is goin' wrong
Don't worry, it won't last for long
Yeah, it's all gonna come around
Don't go let it get you down
You gotta keep on holding on

It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing want to go my way--
yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily

[Repeat Chorus]

Oh-- I'm going up [4x]
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...
(Shania Twain - Up!)

...i do want to thank each of you for checking up on this blog though i had abandoned it for all appearances.

reply to comments:
first time here.. i know words can't help.. but prayers can.. let's pray..
# posted by preeti : 12:24 AM
--- thank you for the prayers. yes i DO believe they help... let's pray.

http://unlimited-edition.blogspot.com/
# posted by Anonymous : 1:27 AM
--- hmmm! wonder who this was!

Sweetness I had no idea.... So much going on for you right now! And you dad!.... well I can't imagine what news like that is like for all of you.
Just remember you're 25... life has so many twists and turns. Try not to feel like "the parade is passing you by" because really, you never know just where you'll end up!
Thinking of you!!
Big Hugs,
Swizzie
# posted by Anonymous : 8:07 PM
--- i just hope the parade hasn't already PASSED me by! ;oP
i love the way you write gurl... always manages to put a smile on my face... do write more often.
thanks for all the hugs... each one helps! :)

The moment we are born, they try to make us cry... and sometiems it seems as though they never stop .... wandered through shains blog.. i dont know hwat to say to ease your pain, all i can say is - whatever it is, its not here to stay.. !! Bles you..
# posted by Dreams : 3:00 PM
--- i should hope not! :)
thank you for your blessings. do come by more often. i promise you i dont always dish out such depressing fare! ;)

Yes.Lets Pray.
# posted by vaibhav : 3:59 AM
--- yuppers!! good idea!

this is called quarter-life crisis...everyone goes thru it. so pull up ur socks n act.
wishing well for ur appa.
btw i'm surprised to see my blog url as one of the comments :|
# posted by Mustang : 2:26 PM
--- as am i now! thought you put it there? thats how i came across yours.
and i dont think this is what a quarter-life crisis is supposed to be like! that should be about things like - what do i give more importance to? job satisfaction or money?!?

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# posted by Make More With Your Adsense Account : 8:28 AM
--- terribly sorry, but honestly google adsense isn't even on my list of non important things to do right now!

Like everybody else I too am short of words & hope words could help. You seem to be a brave gurl & though nobody can fight destiny, I m sure u'll swim thru this though test of destiny.
All the very best dear.
MBB | Homepage | 10.26.05 - 3:05 am | #
--- swim through may not be the right phrase... though yes, i will survive! (love the song)

Hi, thanx a ton for visiting my space and giving ur valuable comments...........I am a lil lost in ur world though, last when i visited u had ur lovely pics & a blog which has a pic of an Ambassador car...........my comment is not there either.
Or I m getting old huh?? lol
Cheers
Anonymous | 10.26.05 - 2:55 am | #
--- i sorry? am not sure where your world is at... and i doubt very strongly if i ever had pics of anything! least of all ambassador cars!!

Sheesh!
We love IIPM | Homepage | 10.14.05 - 6:30 am | #
--- Succinctly put! Pithily put!! wonderfullyyy put!!!
sheesh indeed.

A) What i find sad with you is not that you are a 'could have been' but that you think you are a 'could have been'. Its never too late in life for anything.
B) How you treat your health is how much importance you give to your responsibilities. Your health/body/life is your responsibility.
C) I dont believe in destiny nor in faith. Spend as much time with your father as u can.
D) You write very well. Do continue writing.
Best of luck in life
Swayam | 09.25.05 - 4:40 am | #
--- a) i too DO believe that. unfortunately i have my weak moments too. i KNOW in the not too distant future i WILL post some achievement here. *fingers crossed*
b) trouble is - the american govt must give me the permission :|
c ) thank you for the compliment. though i am not entirely sure i deserve it.
as for writing. yes, i will :)

Been a while since you posted. How are you? Hope things have been better.
My situation has improved a lot. But it has been hell the last 4 months...
Ripcord | Homepage | 09.05.05 - 12:13 am | #
--- the last 4 months haven't been particularly good for me... hopefully everything is good in your world right now ?

You sure are a brave girl. Hang in there. Prayers for your dad.
Seema | Homepage | 08.26.05 - 6:40 am | #
--- life has a habit of throwing you some nasty stuff. considering it doesnt kill you it will make you stronger.
question is : what if you dont wanna get stronger?
iron woman doesnt want to become steel woman. :|

gosh...just checked back after a long time and all this? Hope you are bearing up girl. Stay well and trust god.
Take care
DJ
DJ | 08.07.05 - 2:41 am | #
--- trying :).
how are things with you?

OH no! I'm so sorry, sweetie! That has to be horrible to be alone and terrified for someone.
6-12 is usually a conservative estimate, and as long as your dad is getting treatment, it usually turns out to be VERY conservative.
paul | Homepage | 07.31.05 - 4:44 pm | #
--- it had better be! he has signed on to teach my children tennis... and i am not even dating anyone yet! :)
..he is a wonderful man... the world needs men like him.

Hmm..no words....all of us are with you....miracles happens, let it happen for you this time!!!!
Girish | 07.28.05 - 11:41 am | #
--- *fingers crossed* ...i hope so. i know so. (hey people! TOUCH WOOD!!! now!)

Always like to hear what's going on with you!
Matt | Homepage | 07.19.05 - 10:32 pm | #
--- likewise!! how IS my lil matt doing?? love catching you on yahoo... or maybe you could drop me one of your lovely mails? *hopefull look!*

Hey Princess...welcome back.!!
Abt ur dad....stay strong princess..am not gonna throw any more cliches ur way..but hang on there..
Shain
Shain | 07.19.05 - 8:46 am | #
--- aww... the one guy who calls me princess!! HUGGG :)
thanks for being there...

Good to see you back. Sorry to hear about your dad. My prayers are with you. Keep writing
Rajesh | Homepage | 07.18.05 - 7:17 pm | #
--- ahem. am terribly sorry for not being able to fullfill your request. culmination of a lot of things saw to it that no writing happened...
will talk about a few of the reasons in the next blog..

i am in bombay for the weekend
can we meet up for a drink
girish
girish | 07.12.05 - 11:26 pm | #
--- ahem. am sorry. no drinking on the cards for me! not for a very long time! hope your trip was good... when do you leave for Oz ?

Will not presume to know what it feels like - vis a vis your dad. This too shall pass P .
D | 07.07.05 - 8:41 am | #
--- wish you had left a link..or atleast an email.. something tells me i know you. do i?
this reminds me of a wonderful phrase - everything will be ok in the end. if its not ok, its not the end!

Hi my Gal!! Gee, I'm sorry about your dad and all. It seems like difficult times, these.
Love you and glad to hear from you
happy | 07.05.05 - 5:37 pm | #
---
yes. these are difficult times. and its horrible that i am unable to be with him at this point. hate visas! :|

good to see u back.. hope to see more posts.. sorry to hear abt u'r dad.. keep strong gurl.. keep u'r faith..
hug..
Invictus | 07.01.05 - 7:16 pm | #
---
faith. there is a concept alright. very few things i have "faith" in any more.

Swayam: so did u find u'r raison d'etre and so now u dont have the time to blog anymore ??
--- ahem!! no... he.. or the lack of HE... has little or nothing to do with my absences from blog land!
though his presence wouldn't hurt at this time.

*************************************************************************************

also wanted to thank the wonderful strangers who took time out to send prayers / wishes my way via email and ecards!
thanks a whole bunch!
...and a quick special thanks to Nidhi for not only rushing to come and meet me at the hospital.. but throwing her AND her husband's bank balances open to me! (this after having met me only ONCE before!) - the blog world is indeed a powerful medium! :)

Alimarp: Reflections

2005-07-02T04:24:00.000+05:30

Blog they say.

Sit down and write (ok type)

My baby (ok blog!) looks forlorn and lost …much like a kite without a string..

Why don’t I blog any more? No, it can’t be because I am that “busy” …don’t do anything other than go to office and come back. I know I can do much more… I know it because I used to do much more!

In the last three of my life I seemed to have stagnated. When my friends were off perusing their dreams I stayed on the sidelines cheering them on… which is why I suddenly find myself - a 25 year old who was at one time a promising M.Com grad (with first class mind you!) …a ‘could have been…’ today.

Of all the words of men and mice..

…the saddest are “could have been..”

There has been no “value addition” to my life. Was reading a letter I wrote 3 years ago to a very good friend and was appalled to find my desires today as exactly the same, as are my rants. Oooohh no, wait… I know a loooootttttttttt more about Doctors and Medicine today then I did a coupla years ago. I could easily open up a consultancy given my extensive knowledge about hospitals in and around Bombay. (If you are ever around Bombay and need info on ANY hospital – I am your gal)

Here we go again… when I sat down here to write I was bursting with the desire to pour my heart out..and now, 5 mins into it.. my mind is a complete blank.

What do I tell you? Without sounding like a horrible b-grade tear-jerker or sitcom.

That I now live alone in house with 4 rooms! – and this does not include the kitchen!

Or that my parents left for the U.S on the 24^th of May – to have dad’s operation done.

Or that silly little lumps I mistook for large heat boils are actually caused by a diseases known as Sarcoid (nothing sinister usually – just requires regular medication, a rather rare condition)…(pssstttt, CT scans and biopsies are NOT fun) – investigations are still on.

Or that I still haven’t taken the test date for the GMAT.

Or that the person I referred to as “my kid” no longer wants to keep in touch – no reasons given!

Or ….or that Dr.Yeo attempted operating on dad and after four hours… after four hours of operation aborted it and reported no operation is possible as there are lesions on other parts of the pelvic region, stomach etc.

Or ..or that now he too believes that dad…my appa… has 6 to 12 months going by the average.

Or that I am stuck in India while the rest of my immediate family is in the U.S.

Mike testing... 1...2...3

2005-07-01T05:00:00.000+05:30

*ahem*

can you hear me?

well, this is just to let the few regulars who STILL check in here every now and again (god bless your soul!) know that i am around and alive - just.
howeveeerrrrr i will be writing soon. and more regularly!

tomorrow is Dad's operation. It is an 8 hour operation. Those of you who believe in god - PRAY. and those of you who don't - PRAY anyway!!! :)

thank you for the mails and thoughts... much appreciated.

Announcement?!

2005-05-07T17:59:00.000+05:30

….hmmm….*clearing my thoart*….well, I am… I turned…. Today is….er… my birthday. I turned TWENTY FIVE today!
Gosh I am oooooolllllddddddddddddddd!!!

picnic capers - part 2

2005-03-09T18:54:00.000+05:30

(meant to come back sooner!!! ..well, without further ado)

bout the guy with the sexy eyes..
We were but...
Strangers in the night..Exchanging glances
Wondering in the night ..what were the chances..

...we did _NOT_ share love, that much I can tell ya!!!

howeeevvveeeerrr there were a few eye brow raisin convos :D

once on the resort, we were unanimous that the first order of business must be to speedily get on the outside of the spirts. booze. the bubbly.
Which we did, with him playing bartender. At the outset lemme tell ya I am not much of drinker.. whisky/scotch et all not being my kinda poison. We started out with something called vanilla vodka – which was good! Try with a twist of lemon and a dash of salt.
Then the party moved on to 'hard drinks'. Of which I wanted no part of. So I asked the chap – oh by the way, I think I ought to mention that for the duration of the picnic no matter how many times we shuffled around..moved for dinner...went to the beach..no matter what we did ,whenever, and I do mean whenever, I sat down and turned to see who was next to me the chap invariable was either on my right or my left! Dunno whether it happened by design or by chance...all I do know it that it happened! - He offered me some whisky and I turned it down..and asked if I could get some vodka. for which the dude (whose leg knee down was plastered to mine i might add!) turns around, gives me one of 'em looks and says "babe, i'll give you aannnyyyytttthhhhiiinnngggg you want".
*dumb founded silence from yours truly*
gulp. (er, that was me too in case u couldn't figure it out)
"..ummm, just vokda please!" ..jeez you should have seen the laughter in his eyes..
well, despite that loaded comment no vodka came my way just then...
that’s about all I wrote ages ago (when the original part two was to have been published. But then life happened as usual. And now I can’t seem to bring myself to recall minute details of the picnic. Tell you what.. will jot down the more eye brow raising comments/actions..
well, every time I asked for the vodka he’d say the exact same line..in a slow drawn out manner.. guaranteed to raise the smallest hair on the back of my neck!
At bout two in the morning I am standing outside the shack/room allotted to the females and he strolls up and says “lets go to the beach?” while pullin on a nice warm jacket. And there I was standing in my pajamas and a fairly thinish top. freezing. The rest of the gang – especially females (wonder if I qualify to be called that!)- were ‘getting ready’. (lipstick and hugo boss at 2 in the morning for a trip to the beach is unfortunately not my style) I rub my arm and say “isn’t it rather cold?” to which he immediately offers “want the jacket?”..I look a bit sheepish but agree with a nod (hey, I am not bout to look a gift horse in the mouth!besides, what if it bites!!)
He unzips the bit he had zipped up...rather sllloowwwllllyyyy (private striptease?) and hands me his jacket (which was nice and warm) below he has only a basket ball jersey. A sleeveless silly thing.
The rest of the jing-bang had joined us by now ...and his whole team is quite surprised that he gave me his jacket. Supposedly he never parts with it....and he got ribbed for it. Royally.
For which the dude says “that is the only way she is allowing me to warm her up!” I almost choked on that. A while later I noticed him almost shivering ...I offered to give his jacket back and he says “na, you hang on to it..considerin thatz the only way I am getting to warm you up!”..i was like “hello?!?!? What do u mean?” he goes “there are more then one way to warm you up...”
*gulp*
...sometime later a drunken friend was trying to wade into water and all of us were worried for his life and despite numerous attempt from the guys to pull him back he was sorta determined to wade/swim...at which point I – the only female silly enough to go within shoutin distance of him – trying to cajol the drunken chap say “come along..i wanna take a walk with you”. Though nothing was further from the truth, he surprisingly agreed with greatly alacrity at which our hero goes “lucky assh%#@” I turn around and say “excuse me!” he goes “lucky bugger”...I say “I didn’t say I don’t wanna take a walk with you also”...he gives me a deep look and goes “also”. needless to say he didn’t join us..
Sometime during the night he and I wound up talking bout his past “exploits” at the same beach..one of them he claims on a bike. A bike!? My reaction exactly “A BIKE?! _HOW_???” and he gives me another one of those infuriating looks of his and goes “babe, how do I tell you how... I can show you if you like...” Instant reaction “thanks but no thanks!” ..at that the dude laughs!!
Later...much later...when everyone is complainin ‘bout the cold..he asks me “if you had to share your bed with someone to warm it who would you choose from the guys here?”
me : I don’t really think any of them are overly interested in the dubious privilege.
he : *eye brows raised* ..lets assume for the sake of argument I ..they are.
...I thought it prudent to let da slip..slip by.
When the party returned from the beach everyone agreed alcohol was the need of the hour – considering it would “warm us up” (not entirely convinced this is the best way to "warm" oneself!
I’m sitting sandwiched between da dude and a bald, drunk (come to think most of the guys were drunk!!) guy. Who suddenly says “what shampoo do you use?your hair smells divine!i could just throw my arms around you and keep smelling your hair!”
“Huh???” my numbed brain, or what passes for it was just bout computing this when the chap bends over and asks him “hey, can I smell her hair?”...i am like “hello!!its MY hair?!?” the char. goes “ya, I don’t wanna get ____ jealous!” me = “like whaaaaaattttt!?” he chimes in with “only her hair”..i’m like he couldn’t care less!!...one of the males completely ignores me after that (no prizes for guessin which) and the other one settles himself into a comfortable position ..to smell my hair!!!
....and now the pièce de résistance.
We, not as in the royal we...him and me...and a few people were sittin and chatting just before we left the resort...the gang got up and made their way to the respective rooms to collect bags et all..we were the only ones left...just as he got up I noticed a scratch on his face...
Me : it looks like you have had a wild night (indicating to the scratch with my eyes)
He : (slowly rubbing his hand over it) yea..and everyone is going to suspect you for it!
Me : thinking : Me???? ME????? MEEEEEE?????????????????? WHY!
Me : aloud : why me!?

Uuuffff!!if that is how much I wrote when I set out thinking I was writing a brief version.. then I’m glad I spared u guys the detailed version!

check back here for V day's saga. i can bet you won't be able to imagine what happened.
..and yea, i would care to make it interesting.

I confess!

2005-03-02T20:12:00.000+05:30

ok, its official.
lazy is now offically my middle name.
Procrastinator describes me to a T.

this short piece is just to let you know i am back. where from thou asketh (if thou still careth enough to read!) ...and with good reason.... i haven't mentioned here that i went down south for about a week...

part two of the picnic and the details of the trip will come up.. soon hopefully..
those who think its made up fiction - u give me too much credit. i've an admittedly fertile imagination but even mine can't come up with the events of the picnic.. plus we have 20 witnessess to vouch for moi :o)
and for the one growing beards and getting grey hair... i'm chorry!! i know it ain't enough... trust me... well, no ...my track record doesn't seem to make me very trust worthy...
well tell u what.. check back here durin the weekend...
btb, the participants of SAM... hows the weekend for the lonnggg awaited launch???
well thats it for now,
take care and toodle-oo

Picnics ..vodkas shooters…and men with sexy eyes!

2005-01-26T15:01:00.000+05:30

(or should I change that to men with sex in their eyes!!)

I’ve been thinking for a while that since I don’t have anything particularly nice to talk bout in my life currently I could start recounting the gazillion amazing experiences I have had in the past.. that way affording my readers a glimpse of the ‘fun pramila’ also re living those happier times.. something my darlin’ Maeve suggested too! (they do say great minds think alike!)
Buuuttttttt thanks to the weekend that went by maybe I will just recount my recent past instead of a distant one! ;)
..a bit of general back ground
...in call centers/contact centers the office is divided into TEAMS. And team outings or team parties are encouraged… to build team spirit I guess...
and of the people on ground zero, the operations floor, a team leader enjoys a ..well, lets say a VERY glorified image..
also in every organization there are a few team leaders who are in the limelight time and again – by wining the rewards and recognition that are announced monthly..annddd for other reasons!!
..some facts
I am obese. Not plump. Not fattish. Not overweight. OBESE. As in clinically over weight. To the point of being physically attractive only to a cannibal king, who taking one look at me will throw his hands heavenward in glee saying “wowie!!food for the whole tribe, for an entire week! Maybe two!!”

On onwards with the story..

i met a guy ... or rather i noticed a guy in office!(noticed him noticing me??) yup, my office!!deadly dull Accenture!!!
n the sad part is, i know there is no, as in zippo future.... but... ummm i find his interest in me rather exciting (sexciting!?) ...he poured out his heart to me...a secretive person revealing darkest stories of his life...over the most lingering looks ever!making me wonder every second we spend together why he is lookin at me like I’m the most gaily warped gift under the x’mas tree..of a party he'd give anythin to be part of..
ok, as u can see I am going off on tangents here, maybe someone else should do the talking?

View from a close friend, who has been observing everything happen up close n personal : : I wud say there was an amazin’ simply amazin’ chemistry……which still remains a mystery….b’coz the guy who has stormed into pamz life like this…. is not at all an open book!!!!! i wud like to add that I used to be in his team….’n all I had noticed was qualities that make for a complete team leader…..by the time I realised that he had several other facets….one of them being his magnetic masculinity! I would have loved to discover the complete man in him…n all the facets that go with it….i was moved to a new team…with alas a new TL!!……..i don’t think I’d be wrong if I proclaimed he is one of the sexiest men in office… or actually should I say the SEXIEST man in office. Yes, without a trace of doubt..the sexiest! …and unexpected twist in the tale saw pammy being the recipient of the sizzling hot looks directed from this absolute beef cake… pammy… who didn’t even like him…. In the least! Cause of myriad reasons…some of them being her having heard some really questionable things about him from people at office, me inclusive… I remember telling her that he has sex appeal in his eyes… only to have her retort that “no appeal, I can see only sex in his eyes!” …but finally this seductive male… managed to capture her attention too…n boy was I zapped… any female would have died for the kinda looks he directs at her.. the inviting glances… the come hither looks… the constant attention… the finding of silly excuses to break the ice…u know he didn’t wait for a formal introduction…he grabbed every possible chance of being part of a conversation where pam was involved!till such a point that even she could sense the attention she was getting from the person she never thought about as more than pond scum!!(although the dumb babe required a lil help from yours truly to decipher what those sizzling looks meant)
He is perfect protagonist of any mills and boons story… the puuurrrrrrfffeeeeccttttt bad man, who can make luv to any woman simply by eye contact…his lethal weapon..
Well what was interesting chemistry in office certainly turned out to be spontaneous combustion of radioactive elements, scorching everyone and everything in sight during the office picnic…

If u don’t believe in love at first sight, maybe you ought to take a second look?!maybe our very dear pam needed help to catch another glance…’n there was an ample amount of help comin’ her way ,with me rushin’ at her SOS ..poor damsel in distress...(i'd kill to be in her shoes!!) she had a real hard time awakenin’ to the fact that she ‘d actually get swept off her feet by somebody whom she detested (ok, maybe i’m getting carried away here considerin' she isn't interested, yet!) she really seems to have a major issue with being able to believe a guy wud find her attractive!wonder why?!

------------------------------------------------------------

Okkkkkkkkkk... I see its time for me to get back the controls, thank you for that rather descriptive, allabeit touch blown out of proportion,
introduction sue, btb, people she has recently begun her blog.. do check her out and some comments!

Well, yea... most of what she said is true, without the frills that is.. its not like he isn’t paying others attention...umm ..er well..actually.. honestly speakin..
ahem...lets just move on to the picnic shall we??

First lemme tell you how one gets to Manori Beach : we left from office at bout 4.30 in office provided cars... and it took us over 2 hours to get to malad st. from where one takes a bus to marve beach...once u get off at the last stop, you catch a 'ferry' (a boat) to the island of Manori, from where you catch a rick or a tonga to the resort you are staying at...

*****end of part 1, watch this space for more*****

...fresh year... fresh hope???

2005-01-02T17:38:00.000+05:30

resolutions? well, na, thats whats expected of everyone on new years...
n considering i haven't got a 36-24-36 figure from last year's resolution nor have i got myself an admit from Harvard/Wharton something (that something being common sense?) tells me making resolutions doesn't help one bit. (come to think of it, i didn't even apply to the univs!!...hmmm, u think that might have something to do with my not getting admits???)

---------------------------10/Jan/2004-----------------------

well as everyone here is aware, the above post was most certainly not posted... not even completed on the 2nd...
why??

someone asked me earlier today if i had given up bloggin? have i?
have i given up blogging?

when asked that question i immediately jumped to answer negatively. me? give up blogging? no way no how sirree!!

but the sad state my blog has deterioated into makes me think...
....i post bout once a month... i haven't posted in over a month n i still have only 6, SIX comments!! this from a easy 20 to 50+ on good ones is a major slide - n hey, i am not complaining... i am well aware a lot of you bothered coming by - that nifty counter on the right panel tells me how many hits my blog has... plus a few of you have bothered to write me emails and ask why i am not writing - though that too has seen a saddd decline!
for that again i have only myself to blame! the first couple of times i went silent my inbox was flooded with mails but now my regulars have an apathetic response - regular absence will do that to the most loyal reads!!

i've been having a rather rough patch... i was just bout to say rough 3 / 4 months.. but then thinking back over the last couple of years, can't honestly say they have been swell either..
and i am sick of whinin on my blog.. i dont like writing tear jerkers... so writing about my life wasn't really an option and haven't ever been particularly good at creative writing..
kept "writing" blogs in my head, thinking "Today i will DEFFINATELY write a post" ....however, my poor blog bears testiment to the fact that i obviously never got around to doing it.

Dad's doctors (a bunch of ASS%#$ ) have given us bad news...what was it??? Amn't ready to face it just yet.
last month my mom fell and twisted her ankle... or so we thought... after a week when the swelling did not go down, when she finally agreed to have herself dragged to the doctors we found out her had broken her ankle.. pretty bad.. and it would need to be in a cast.. for ATLEAST four weeks!

my office management, which never really had all their marbles in place, seem to have COMPLETELY lost it.
shift changes EVERY week - which means we can't even plan things 3 miserable days in advance. forget things like outing with friends... but even doctor visits - around which my life seems to revolve - can't be pre planned! n they CHEAT too!! like till last week my offs were wednesday and thursday - right smack in the middle of the week - which friend will one meet then i ask you?!? but ok, i reconciled myself to it (as if i had any choice!) - scheduled ma's cast to come off on thursday... and bang! my offs have been changed to sunday / monday... which again i can reconcile myself too (n kill my self takin ma to the docs on a work day!) BUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT n here the bummer - but, the work week begins on MONDAY - n shift changes are effective monday plus we were informed only on SUNDAY - when we came in to work! so we - the whole darn team - gets only monday off for THIS week.
how convinient for them. (espcially as a 3rd party call center they get paid by the hour per agent by the client!)
there are times when teams have wound up working upto 8 days without an off - this in an industry where a 5 day week is mandatory.
and the H.R is suprised at the sudden increase in the attrition rates. go figure.

the situation with dad has become worse.. will talk bout it in the next post. or maybe i won't. talking about it means putting it on paper (ok screen). and i am not ready for that. just yet.
maybe never will be.
last year was bad. hope this year doesn't turn out worse.
check out dad here.

ohh, anyone know wether BALI was at all affected by the Tsumanis? Why do i ask??? A _VERY_ dear friend of mine - Mily to me - EMILY to the world was from there ....and she is not replying to my frantic emails.

smile.....you are on pramila's blog!!! :o)

2004-12-15T19:19:00.000+05:30

yo people!

gone are the days when i kept threatenin to launch the site. we have done it (is say we, cause i sure couldn't have done it this century with out Nishant - that man has been PATIENT with me!!! (i am not a very nice person when i am waitin for it.... sorry Nishant, and thanks a gazillion for everythin - hopefully i will be forgiven after such a public apology?!) and Happy - who despite being half a world away has proven to be only an email away ...you are awesome gurl... can't wait for your template to mask the one we have now! :)

for silly gooses who check this space more often then they check their emails, please pay your email a visit and quick!! cause you will find the following email there

Hey there people!!!

Hold your breath... This is it.. *hushed silence*...we have finally
done it!

The site is READY - yup you are right! Smiles Across Miles is now
LIVE!!!

Please go to http://smilesacrossmiles.com

and register - you will see a place to log in on the right hand side
panel

when you attempt entering a user name (of your choice) and pwd (again
of your choice) and the number displayed below (the site's choice!) -
the site will direct you to a page where a link for "new
registerations" is present.
click on that - which will bring up a form for you to fill out.
remember - enter the email id which each of you choose to be
the "login email" - else the registeration will NOT go through.

once you complete the form the site will send you a confirmation link
to your inbox (this will happen within 5 to 10 mins of your submitting
your form - so i suggest you hang around and complete the procedure)

next, go to your inbox - and click on the link and log into the site.
now we are nearly done... last and final step... complete your
profile!!!

so people, get busy.... lets see 44 profiles (yup, thats how many we
are now!!!) fully compeleted shortly!!!

once ALL profiles are up I will send out another email notifying you
that all profiles are up, and you select your giftee then!!!

Hope all of you have thought about what you want to send out to your
choosen giftee (you sure had the time!!) Incase you want to get to
know your giftee well before selecting them you could read up on their
blog if they have one - though let me warn you, some participants
DON'T have a blog. - and participants who don't have a blog - please
make your profile as descriptive as possible as that will be
your "face" to the other participants! :)

whokay then... enough rambling.... people go register (for the ones
who registered before, other then the ones who helped "test it out"
last night - please re register!)

toodle-oo
Pramila.

Please fill out your ENTIRE _current_ postal address whistle completing your profile so that who ever selects you is able to send the gift to the CORRECT address!

Hopefully everyone will finish the registeration by the end of this week and we can get on with the fun stuff!!!

adios people...have to rush... am going to catch Oceans 12 with Clarissa... or should i call ya Candace from now on gurl??? ;)

2004-12-09T15:29:00.000+05:30

wowiee!! i have been missed!?!?
goodie!!
ahem... well, no.. i am not a sadist who likes to see my pals in agony over missin me (a tad bit toooo much?) ...it just that one likes to be reminded that one is not fungible ya know!
what have i been upto?
well, just the small matter of troubling (harrowing?!) my voluntary site enggi Nishant...and being down with a nasty bout of cold+cough (i hate bad throats... sound like a frog... and given my occupation... ahhhgggggg!!!)

am now marginally better and have two days off (tuesday and wednesday!)..which is when the website will FINALLY go _LIVE_.

let me just take this one quick second to say _THANK YOU_ to all of you who are participating - never thought it would become such a success... when i first came up with the idea was told that either i am terribly naive or totally dumb... n maybe a mix of both!! to think that people will agree to such a thing and sign up!! just wanted to thank each one of you for disprovin that person! :)
:oPPP - to the person!! you know who you are!

the HIGH point of this entire roller coaster was the following email

"hi i want to register for the smile across miles.
im Shafaq Yusuf from Karachi, Pakistan.
please confirm my registeration and kindly tell me what exactly i've
to do.i was recommended to join this by Suhail Kassim and i was not
able to get enough information on it, but since he had mentioned it in
his MAD club blog, i knew it had to eb something to do with spreading
goodwill and smiles, and so i'd really really like to become a part of
it, but please do tell mewhta it is all about!
thank you,
regards,"

* unfortunately for some reason of her own Shafaq can't take part in this round (though is more then welcome too!!) of SAM though she hopes to join us later...

the email tellin the participants how to proceed should reach by tuesday (india time) ...PLEASE fill in your profile and register ASAP!!!

hopefully the next few days will see a lot of activity from me on OTHER blogs as well...
...n i need to ask your advise about how to deal with a really annoying "Team Lead" at work. what is really gallin is he is not even my supervisor n i am havin to put up with the sod! jeez!!

Longing and announcements!

2004-11-21T21:25:00.000+05:30

More then a month.
More then I month since I rambled on bout the nothings and everythings that constitutes my life!
why? well, surely not for lack of desire, I can tell you that!! No siree.. many a moments I've caught myself thinkin how I would relate a particularly funny incident to my blog land pals.. or when something upsetting occurred I'd long to seek your kind/wise words.. this blog land of mine is a world away from the world for me.. my support system if you will.. and extended periods away from it, displease me. greatly!

so did you miss me while I was trapped in the offline world?
missed not only telling you about my life (doesn't mean I am about to bore you to death the mundane details now, never you fret!)...missed learning about yours. Hated myself for not being their all the times any one of you needed me, or a shoulder to cry on.. or just someone to talk to... regret not being around to celebrate the big n small joys of your lives...

what happened this time this time - NO computer access. well, short and sweet eh?

Now onward to somethin we have all been waiting for... and my apologies for taking SOOOOO long!

Names of the participants accepted for Smiles Across Miles
*drum roll*

Suhail Kassim
Hima
Nishant Saran
Prem
Ellen Johnson
Kiran Murthy
Clarissa Alvares
Vanita Negandhi
Nicholas Moroder
Emily Turimouw
Shainu Varghese
Paul Was
Justin Corwin
Happy Lee Del Canto
Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan (Mynna)
Pooja Aldangadi
Miss Swizz
Ashish Dange (Ashtrix)
Nisha Jayaram (EnJay)
Leslee Carton
SUMI DANIEL
Urmila Padmanabhan
Manish Vohra
Imagination blooms
Vignesh Ganesan
Eddie kennington
Richard Dixon
Peenut
Nidhi Ramachandran
Kadir Rathnavelu
Debbie Demora / Meave
Mausami
Neil J. Armstrong
Dushyant Joshi (DJ)
Sara Stevenson
Taranjeet Khanuja
Loren Teryl
Mugilan
Zalina Gamat
Suzannah Benjamin
George Thomas
Mamta Rao

If anyone's name is left out in error (despite being accepted) then please dash me an email... any one who wants to ask pals to join up.... do so pronto. this weekend the site will be fully functional!
also check your registered email id for an email in the next few mins!

And hey, the button to donate is _not_ ornamental!...do feel free to use it, and often! Its a fully verified account, so all your information is _SECURE_!! :)

p.s : neil is now sans the dr. label ...and people plz use the blogger comments!

Lets get political

2004-10-18T15:18:00.000+05:30

Recently I was urged, rather strongly, to watch a debate which was to be aired in a few days time.
..came home from work a couple of days ago and noticed that my 29” t.v was tuned to the big debate. Why do I feel I needn't explain WHICH debate? The world over - big debate = Bush vs Kerry.

As technical support for a U.S based Internet service provider, all my customers are based out of the u.s - and when one is waiting for the computer to load/boot - one must talk. I have had to learn there is only so much you can talk bout in relation to weather.
The next most talked about 'generic' topic happens to be - politics. U.S politics that is. Even if they know I - 'Ann' – am not from the United States of America. (this trait of Americans to assume that the whole world is interested in their affairs is both amusing and annoying at the same time.. a likeable lot most of the time – indeed many of my close friend live/are from there – the country’s penchant for presupposing that theirs is the only world is kinda.. hmmm! Going back...)

...yea the debate...I sat there with my morning cuppa...listening to a rather intelligent man throwing questions at two men with questionable intellect. One of them atleast bothered trying to answer them with a semblance of logic. As for the other one, the less said the better.

One of the questions centered on religion / faith.

On the outset let me warn you I am not the sorts who is very heavily invested in politics. ANY politics. Leave alone politics of ANOTHER country (as in NOT my country)

Let me state I am agnostic* – a fence sitter.

I find questions along these lines rather irritating to say the least. How does a person’s belief and/or the lack of thereof have any role to play in their political candidature?
Why must a country’s population demand to know a person’s stand on RELIGION to be able to decide whether he/she will be able to lead the country to economic growth? How does a person’s personal belief help the individual to be the best person to decide what the country’s stand should be on war?
What they do in the after hours of their work is their business. Why should a democratic, secular** people be more concerned with what the politician is doing when he/she not working – personal time - then when he/she IS working (if he/she is working?)
The problem with the politics – WORLD OVER – is no one considers it a job. There are appraisals – in the form of elections, once in 4 years – but for those 4 years the politician can do whatever he/she pleases, with little or no repercussion.

Secular. What makes one, or indeed a country SECULAR? Is it when it “believes in all religion” or “believes in NO religion?”
Believing in no religion does not mean being intolerant of religion. It simply means – decisions are not made based on religion. Religion is not a deciding factor however small.

Are you secular?

* ag•nos•tic
noun :: One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.
adj : :Doubtful or noncommittal

** Secular = sec•u•lar (s k y -l r) adj.
1.Worldly rather than spiritual.
2.Not specifically relating to religion or to a religious body: secular music.
3.Relating to or advocating secularism.
4.Not bound by monastic restrictions, especially not belonging to a religious order. Used of the clergy.
5.Occurring or observed once in an age or century.
6.Lasting from century to century.

Farewells

2004-10-11T18:35:00.000+05:30

I ABHOR farewells.

Guess that’s not such an exceptional thing. Pretty normal you’d say.

But I ABHOR farewells with an intensity that’s scary. Especially when it revolves around my sister..my akka. Then I totally and completely, unquestionably, lose it. (not that I ever had it, but...)

Those are the times when I, an anti-war – ANYWHERE – person suddenly starts wishing, rather fervently I might add, that the powers that be declare the 3rd world war. Combat crazy (welll, loving to inflict it!) bush decides to attack yet another country. Or that there is a hurricane. Resulting in all flights into and outta India being cancelled. Indefinitely.

Why? So that my sis, my akka, won’t be able to fly. Leaving me.

I hate it when she does that. Absolutely DETEST it.

She left Sunday night (India time) - now you know why the launch didn’t happen over the weekend as planned. I was too busy being stuck like a limpet to her. My apologies. The coming weekend the launch WILL happen. I'd also like to urge my 'non-indian' pals to encourage more of their friends to join up - the event is currently VERY dominated by Indians! :)

will leave you with something from akka's 1991 (she was 17 at the time) diary - sorry akka for not taking ur permission (dont know whether u wrote it..) - came home and couldn't fall asleep, so i rooted through her things, chanced upon her ol diary - n though i know i shouldn't have - read it - this is the 3rd entry in it

Loss
When we think of loss we think of loss through death of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we not only lose through death but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and powerful illusion of safety - and the loss of our younger self - the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invincible and immortal. These losses are necessary because we grow by losing and leaving and letting go and by growing we begin to mature and learn every day.

i STILL _abhor_ farewells.

(PEOPLE : _PLEASE_ use the NEW comments box - haloscan is eating up all my previous comments!! _PLEASE_ DO _NOT_ use that box any more - even non-blogspot users can use the new comments box. PLEASE dont help haloscan eat up my memories!!!)

my life, such as it is...

2004-10-05T22:39:00.000+05:30

Monday morning (ok, monday LATE night / tue EARLY morning)

SH*T its 1:20! i hope the silly driver who is _ALWAYS_ late is late today too.
1:26 - Madam hum neeche khada hai.

~what the f*ck!~ the many drivers my company has seen fit to employ have never, and i do mean NEVER, _EVER_, thought it was a good idea to turn up on time. n today, the one day that i wasn't ready, he stupid chump had decided to turn up BEFORE time?!? *%#$#@#$# !!
my feet scarcely touched terra firma for the next few mins.

2:00 ~hurtling toward a colleague's place~ *ring* ~glancing skeptically at my cell - it was two in the morning!~
Hello?

Hiiii there..

Wait…lemme play this out in the way its re run is playing in my head.

Hmmm

Murphy said.. everything that can go wrong will.
Pramila says everything that can go wrong will.. and then the things that CAN’T, will.

Thursday morning
1:30 a.m : the car is here! Surprisingly on time. (oh of course, I hadn’t eaten thanks to getting up later then was normal. Obviously the car will be here at 1:30 dot)

2:00 while stuffing my face *ring*... Oh he actually got up to call!?

Hello?

“hey sweetypie whatchya doing…”

Going to office.. how did you call!?

“kept an alarm. Said I’d call you at 2.00 didn’t I”

Déjà vu

Flash of a past, a long forgotten. Glimpse of a memory deeply buried. Buried if not by time, then by tears.
Broken dreams. Broken promises.

“hey jhallie, whatz you doing”

“Duffer???”

why, how, what…

WHAT would induce a person, irrespective of their plumbing (this to the daft chaps = gender!) to become SO close to a person that one claims to feel “complete” only when “around” that person…
…wake up with GREAT difficulty… just so you can wake that someone else up… because you find their sleep drenched voice cute.
…get away from enjoyable evenings with friends, so that you can be glued to the phone. Long distance at that.
…be so completely yourself with, that you realize certain facets / feelings never surfaced before being with that someone.
…sing someone to sleep. And continue singing much after that person has gone to sleep. Till you fall asleep, with the phone on. Long distance again.
...BE with someone. While they took their parent to the doctor. On the phone. For HOURS. So that you could make up not ‘being’ there.
…swallow your pride. Even if its something you have never done before. Totally give up having an “ego” for that matter.
…say that one has NO romantic feelings what so ever.
Then say you want “time to figure out whether i want you in my life or need you in my life”
“either ways, I will come back. This is just something I need to do”

and then never come back. Ever.

What?

About the blog event / secret santa / smiles across miles….
Here is the list so far (Incase I have left out anyone who has previously sent me his/her acceptance mail, with your postal address…please send me a reminder mail (and my apologies in advance)

1 Suhail Kassim
2 Hima
3 Nishant
4 Prem
5 Ellen Johnson
6 Kiran Murthy
7 Clarissa Alvares
8 Vanita Negandhi
9 Nicholas Moroder
10 Emily Turimouw
11 Shainu Varghese
12 Paul Was
13 Justin Corwin
14 Happy Lee Del Canto
15 Meenakshi Reddy Madhavan (Mynna)
16 Vikas (office)
17 Miss Swizz
18 Ashish Dange (Ashtrix)
19 EnJay (Hima’s pal)
20 Leslee Carton (ellen's pal)
21 Sumi Daniel (office)
22 Urmila
23 Manish Vohra
24 Ocean Ace
25 Vignesh Ganesan
26 Dr. Neil J. Armstrong
27 Richard Dixon
28 Peenut (mily's friend)
29 Nidhi Ramachandran
30 Kadir Rathnavelu
31 Meave
32 Grey Rose
33 Pramila Padmanabhan

for those of you who wish to join in / want a friend to join in… please do so by the end of this week. The site should most probably be up and running by this weekend. Please log in by the beginning of the next week and select your giftee by the end of the next week.
note : those of you who accepted in principle - via comments - but didn't send me an email, do NOT feature on the list. Only people who sent EMAILS _with_ postal addresses have been listed. If you are reading this and notice your name missing - send me an email at - pramila@gmail.com - pronto!

For those of you who have written but weren't from the blog ring and didn't have anyone to vouch for you either, I'm honestly tempted to include you, I AM! but the catch is, its not just my trust I would be placing in you... one of the 32 people listed above might be selected as your giftee and will be awaiting their mystery gift... can't have them getting disappointed 'cause of my error in judgement - this does NOT imply that you will default.. or that the ones who have been accepted will definitely not default, just that the chances of them defaulting is marginally slimmer :o)
hope you understand... and if all goes well... round two should happen sometime soon... especially now that i have jumped in with both feet and purchased server space for 3 years!! TWO whole GBs of space at that!!! yup, don't ever do anything in small measures! :D - so now you know why those donations are solicited.
click here to go to SMILES ACROSS MILES

p.s : please understand i am calling it donations because thats just what they are, D O N A T I O N S. none of you are obligated to donate..

psstttt, people who want to donate can simply click on the button on the side bar which says donate - am working on getting a "verified" thingy too... so any generous yet wary souls out there who want to donate but would like to do so after that can do so next week!
thank-you JDB for being the 1st one to donate - especially when i need to repay u! u r the very BESTEST! EVER!!!

A smile across many miles!!

2004-09-19T19:02:00.000+05:30

pssttt : my SISTER - urmila is in INDIA!!!

I know I haven't been writing as regularly as you would like me to (?).. but my office life is totally crazy!! my current shift start at 3.00 am in the night to 12.00 in the next afternoon.. so thats nine hours of "official" time, Or rather the time the office admits it wants one to be there, but of course there is the pre shift n post shift "meetings"... all impromptu ones at that!
so u have to normally get to office by 2:45 at night... which mean I leave home by 1:30 for a 3:00 shift... and after office, ah this is the best part.. after office since we have "nothing to do" we have meetings, some of which at times go on till 1 ..1:30 or even two in the afternoon... so one gets home by 3 or so... (IF we are lucky!)
so for 5 days a week office eats up from 1:30 in the night to 3:00 in the afternoon the next day my day... 13:30 nearly fourteen hour days!!!
and on some "special" circumstances we are asked to work till 3:00! for no extra pay! ..get home (by 4:30 or so!!)
And today, TODAY - a _SUNDAY_...when I had great big plans of reducing the size of my mail box, visiting my fav blogs, leaving a few comments, finally updating my blog, chattin up friend from afar....ok, ok, I am sure you get the picture! ..8:10 in the morning - on a SUNDAY - i get a call from my team leader asking me to show up in office by 10:00!! - remember i live 1 hour away - at the very least!! - on a SUNDAY!
The unfairness of life!! And though one is getting paid for the "overtime", one doesn't have the option of choosing NOT to come in!! (the dialog from godfather "i'm not a supersitious man... but i have notice something bad always happens to people who cross me!" zipped through to me mind) ...got outta bed, told akka (urmila) bout the change in plans - why change? cause believe it or not, even lowly agents have a life - n other then the delightful activities outlined above a movie was also on the cards - this being my sister's first weekend in the country! (she is here for only TWO!! oh, woe is me!) anyway, swallowing the bitter pill that is life, rushed through my morning abolutions and dragged my sorry ass to office, with water streaming down my back - thanks to my hair still being wet! - got to office lookin like a drowned rat... only to find three, THREE, teams logged in - and NO, as in NONE, not a single solitary call coming in!! with my team leader and coach no where in sight!!! to say that i was bugged would be putting it mildly! ah well, i'm from the lowest rung of this corporate ladder...
man, i tell you... working life sucks. I miss the good ol days when I was paid pocket money simply to go to college!! ;)
which brings us to the topic of today’s title :
A smile across many miles!!
Remember a time when you were in school/college... and got all caught up in the adraline rush of the excitment an upcoming event brings? How you got totally caught up in the crazy rush the event brought out in EVERYONE around you? In India, especially in Bombay - the intercollegiate festival arises a lot of enthu in everyone! Late evening practice sessions, auditions, meetings, what-have-yous... ah, and of-course yours truly was allwwaaayyyysssss in the thick of things!! (oh, for those Mood-Indigo of IIT-B days!! what i wouldn't give to rewind time!!) Can't have lit events (or can i??? hmmm.... well, ammunation for more hair brained notions!!! watch this space for more!) but we can recreate the magic of an 'event'!
So here is the plan, GIFTS!!! :D
Okk, that might require some elucidation...
Does everyone reading this like getting gifts? (thou oughtn't to be nodding thy head, this medium renders me blind to ur reactions, though a resounding YES would be nice though!) And if this gift was sent to you, maybe from a different country, maybe even from a different continent?!?! Sounds exciting?
Whats the catch? ...well, there isn't one... there isn't really a catch.. only you'd have to send one too! (n i for one love sending gifts!!)
How is this different from the age ol barter system you asketh?
...read on!!
1. All interested / sorta interested people mail me at : pramila@gmail.com the following
* Your suggestions (and any questions you may have!) :)
* Your email address you will use to "login" to the site
* Your postal address (don't worry, stalking ain't parta my plan!) ;)

2. Our resident Hi-Tech chappie Nishant will create the site where (we would all need to login ) all the names of the participant would be displayed.

3. Now the crux - We each get to choose _ONE_ person we want to send a gift to, that person wouldn't know who has "choosen" him/her. You can send anythin you like! And get a chance to play "secret santa"! (though i'd like to urge everyone taking part to select people from a different country, if not continent!!)

4. Once everyone has choosen whom them want to send a gift to we will each send out our gift, but wouldn't know from whom, or which country our gift was coming from!!!

Its as simple as that! 1..2...3!! ..oh ok, there is a four, big deal!!

Whetted this idea out with many of you and everyone i spoke with responded positively, with a great deal of enthusiasm i might add! Which leads me to believe this is going to be a success!!
As a foot note, i'd like to mention to "visitors" and first timers here, who might like the idea and want to participate... this kinda event requires a lot of trust and you will appreciate that i couldn't possibly include you in this round of the event, simply cause we (i speak for the blog-ring of my friends n me|) haven't known you long enough. we might have round two a few months, maybe a year later.. incase you decide to stick around till such time, you could then participate!! :)
So heres hoping all my regulars send me a mail stating their acceptance along with the other things requested. It would help if you have a blog, though its not mandatory (and i am willing to extend the invitation to maybe a few of your friends, the ones they are ready to vouch for!)
Advance credits to Hima and Happy who i have ropped into help with the page layout! And to Ellen who loved the idea so much she is gettin her best friend to start a blog, just so that she can participate too!! :)

Warm best wishes to GreyRose who recently said "Heyyy! Pramila! How be u girl? U know I really admire you...ur attitude towards life is awesome...ur my role model girl :-)" ..this from the girl who has moved to a brand new country! Alone!!
Mily mine I do hope you take part n this helps in cheering you up, atleast in some small measure. Hugs to you and lil Matt.

OK,PEOPLE _PLEASE_ SEND ACCEPTANCE EMAILS TO = pramila@gmail.com _WITH_ your postal address
those of you who have stopped by for the first time/aren't regular - never fret - if we are connected by common friends, all you have to do is ask that friend to vouch for ya, n you are in!!! ain't i darlin!! ;)
so act _PHHAASSSTTTT_ (by the same token, regulars can INVITE their trusted friends to join up!) and send me the mail, the site will be going live soon!!
pssttt, applies to even the software head honchos! :)

ANYONE WHO WANTS TO SUGGEST A NAME FOR THE SITE (NOW LOOKIN AT THE RESPONSE WE ARE PLANNING TO _BUY_ WEBSPACE!) PLEASE SEND ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS BY MAIL/IN THE COMMENTS BOX - AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE PARTICIPATING TO SUGGEST A NAME FOR THE SITE!! SO GET THAT THINKIN CAP ON AND SUGGEST AWAY!

U.S trivia!

2004-09-12T10:59:00.000+05:30

Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0"at the end.

Also notice it goes in increments of 20 years.

1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (dies in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush ????????????
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the
courts to be the one elected in 2000.

You might also be interested in this.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker.......
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh?

I am miffed!!

2004-09-05T14:33:00.000+05:30

Why?
Ok I present to you the following lines

“I had to call in 2 days in a row for the same problem. The first day I spoke with a representative who could not resolve my problem and she escalated my call to another techenician who was also unable to help. the second time I called the representative, Ann was able to resolve the issue within a few minutes.”

What would you think were the writer’s feelings towards Ann? Would you say the writer disliked ann / liked ann / or was impressed+liked Ann? – Also bear in mind the person is an irate customer who bothered to note down the name of the representative and specifically mention it in her comment!!!
This is not a pop quiz, nor is some kinda test. Please think carefully and answer. Yes it’s a serious kinda question, eddie! :oP

Most contact centers in the U.S have something called point of service evaluation – POSE or customer satisfaction scores – CSAT scores, for the lay man what this means is how the customer would rate their interaction with the company in question – based on that particular representative’s skills / behaviour. The customer may not be anyone big/famous/important in their own lives..but how they rate the company is veryyy important to the company. and therefore in turn very important to the rep's score card / growth prospects.

The other parameter is the all important AHT. What in the heck is that? Average handling time. How long you spend (waste?) on a call on average. This includes the time you put the customer on hold and the time you take after the call to wrap up the call. To put it simply the total time you are “working” divided with the number of customers you have attended to.

Growth and/or incentives are linked to these two very parameters (and of-course your ass-licking / yes siring abilities!!!) as everyone knows, no one in their right mind wants to be working as a representative. That’s not anyone’s life long dream. It doesn’t take Einstein’s brains to figure out that people who work while the rest of THEIR country sleeps is doing so for the money, for that supreme thing called moolah.

This is why every representative pays a lot of importance to these damn scores. Those who want to “grow” - n thereby get more moolah, also better work, even if its at the same shitty timings.

Ann won't...no more like can't be anyone's yes man (or woman) ...office politics is something ann cannot abide by. she has zero suckin up to superiors ability (??? dunno if i should rightly call them that, they sure ain't her superiors intellect wise).
She dislikes giving her customer's the short end of the stick and sending them off with half baked solution which might lower (ok, no might there, will lower) her AHT but won't keep the customers happy in the long run... so she doesn't pay attention to how long each customer takes.

This leaves her only customer satisfaction, if she harbour any dreams of "growing". And this she achieves without any question. (Its not easy being the only person who hasn't had a single escalated call, ever. in both organisations she has worked.) One of the few to get appreciation calls, with the customer commending the way she works.

So imagine her shock and horror at being told she got a negative rating from one of her customers in front of her whole team. Down cast she accepts her bad luck, but wants to be told what the customer said so that she can improve.. she is stonewalled for over ten days. when she finally conners someone and gets to read the customer's comments, she sees the supposed negative comment “I had to call in 2 days in a row for the same problem. The first day I spoke with a representative who could not resolve my problem and she escalated my call to another techenician who was also unable to help. the second time I called the representative, Ann was able to resolve the issue within a few minutes.”

So once again i ask you, my reader, what do you think were the customer's thoughts about Ann as she penned down the comment?

Baahhh

stumbled onto these quizes thanks to Maeve

You Are Sleeping Beauty

You're most like Sleeping Beauty!

You don't need to even be awake to make a man fall for you.

You love a guy who will be your savior and sweep you off your feet.

You may seem innocent, but once you get comfortable with your man anything can happen.

Which Naughty Disney Character Are You?

...we are on a roll here

You are Athena

You are the goddess of knowledge and war.

You are very smart, but you have a hot temper.

Which Greek Goddess Are You?

...ok, last one

You Don't Have a Boyfriend Because You are Too Shy

When a guy gets to know you, he finds a great catch
Problem is... you're too shy for most guys to get to know.
From meeting someone to dating, you usually have your guard up.
And while you're just holding back, it makes you seem like you've got something to hide.

Don't Have a Boyfriend? Want To Know Why?? Take This Quiz :-)

dunno how accurate these quiz findings are, but they were kinda fun!

Dad's health is a little more steady now. He is not in much pain. the chemotherapy has begun. he has finished one entire cycle of it, and has to go through 2 more cycles before another CAT-Scan will be taken, n then the doctors will decide whether the growth has reduced enough to perform the operation on it. am keeping my fingers crossed. please pray for me!!

And in other news.. dad has finally begun a blog of his own!! You can catch daddy at simplypaddy, but remember, you don’t know anything much bout u know what. Keep commenting restricted to whatever he writes bout. He knows I have a blog, but he doesn’t know where it is, or what it is about... n I’d like to keep it that way.

Don’t forget to tell me what you made of the writer’s comments bout Ann.

The only fight we lose is the fight we abandon. What's 'abandon'? :-)

2004-08-26T21:44:00.000+05:30

the subject line is stolen from CS / Chindu blog.... words from his friend, Anjum... i didn't know Anjum, though i wish i did.. from whatever i've read of him, he sounds like a remarkable human being...
...his wife, Patcy, the woman who loves this remarkable human being is just as wonderfull...
a woman who stood by her husband when the terrible C was marking him for its own... a woman who was strong enough to tell her raison d'etre “Quit any time you want... it’s okay.” ..thinkin only of his pain..without a thought to how she would cope with her crippling loss.. a woman who depsite being in unexplainable misery herself, is being a tower of strength for his parents today...
...those of you who pray, please keep her in your thoughts.. and those of you who don't, please do for her.
i ask myself, would i ever be able to tell my man to let go, even if that was best, less painful for him?

would you?

...thank you Shain / Silent Knight for making a total stranger, me, feel amazingly special.. that song+post for me meant a lot!...brightened up my day...and reminded me i wasn't alone... do visit his page and scroll down n see the song he put up.. really nice
...this blog world of ours is really something eh? not only does the comments box bear testiment to your support, my mailbox isn't that far behind either! each of you who took time out of your busy lives to write, thank you. i know i'm a jackass most times with replying to e-mails/calls... but its _not_ because i don't care. i do. and all the mails are very much appreciated. more then you'll ever know!

my mood for the past couple of weeks has been...hmmm...well, i find my knowledge of the english language lacking...hmmm....whats the word?? ah, ditch.. don't think there is one.. my mood can't really be described... and considering i'm not a moody person per say...i'm on without any sense of direction again, amn't i?

ok, new para, new attempt.
i'm out of sorts. there are times when i want to just bite a person's head off.. for no fault of theirs.. other times when i withdraw from an argument, simply cause i can't find it in me to push forward... even when i am 200% sure i'm right (pull that jaw back, dodo! i said i'm not being normal didn't i!? :P)
am very, very, uncommunicative. yea domi, even more then normal. evading direct question seems to be second nature with me.
why?
haven't a clue.

dad's health update..
he is not in much pain now. the painkillers are rather strong. but... umm.... ok i've been avoiding it long enuf - part of the reason i didn't post for the past few days.. the operation can't take place right now.. the lession is too big, n not enough elbow room for the doctors as it were. two blood vessels are surrounding the growth and unless the growth's size is reduced, no doctor can operate.
chemo has begun, the first cycle is on.. three cycles will be administered, and then fresh scan's will be taken once again. doctors will then take stock of the situation.
will keep you posted.

why me?

2004-08-22T18:34:00.000+05:30

Why me?....Why me???

A question that has plagued best of us from time to time no doubt. But I for one have always hated the question. Serves no purpose….other then to make one feel more shitty then one is already feeling.

One week..i’ve been back in my home town for an entire week today, with easy/good internet access.… while I was away I thought I’d become a regular blogger once I was back..that I’d fill you guys in on the most mundane events of my life…where I went… whom I met…what they said…what sort of people populate my office space et all…

…for example I meant to tell you guys I met the disappearing dude (refer to 11th april entry)…and had the most amazing 3 hours. So amazing that I was forced to wonder why on earth weren’t we best friends still.over 3 hours of being with someone where words were redundant at most times…I just knew what he was thinking/feeling with him having to only look at me…and vise versa.. our connection very much intact..he told me he was sorry for the way he behaved…and then…and THEN ..said goodbye. Not the goodbye, the evening is over, see ya later kinda goodbye…the goodbye..we will never meet again variety of goodbye.why? well, he doesn’t know, I sure as hell haven’t a clue…best way to phrase it would be he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me i guess.
Last time I had a regret that I had never, not once, told him he was important to me. important in the sense of – I’m not ok with you walking out of my life…I depend on u too.
This time I almost begged him to meet me for a second time…to get to know the pramila of today…to see if things weren’t so roller coasterish this time around.to only have him say, thanks…but no thanks.
maybe if I was 30 kilos lighter things would have been different.

…or for example that I met the “friends”….all six of them were delightful…but I’m a wee bit more partial to phoebe. I have always known/liked joey best. …that they were the ones who introduced me to U.S pizza…spinz…club x…midnight vodka…12 o’clock breakfast….

I wanted to mention I met Nidhi from the blog world for a rushed lunch at Ebony. On the thirteenth floor of a building…affording one of the best views of banglore…the city looks amazing from that height – not that it doesn’t look good from close by!

I meant to tell you I am for even indebted to Yesha for helping me get shoes that fit amazingly well…from India! (my sis used to have to send me shoes from the states!) that woman has amazing sense of direction too!..she was in banglore for about a month and nearly knows the city in and out!!

I soooo wanted to recount that I met the ex-girl friend of a pal…of the chap I refer to as my kid..one of the main reasons – if not the only reason – of their breaking up was that she used to be very jealous of me…she thought he was in love with me…and then when he finally convinced her that he wasn’t…she argued he was way toooo dependent on me. n now…when she has finally gotten to know me…and like me, he had already decided to part ways..actually she came to me only when there was trouble…requesting me to help her get him back….but that was 6 months ago…n now he is with someone else…someone he loves a lot…
But now…NOW she is close to me….the irony of life. Today the woman who she considered a rival..a threat to her relationship is the one she considers as one of her closest friends. If only…if only she had tried to get to know me then….

I wanted to tell you about Ashwini and Lance…the couple who oscillate between the extremes of being the bestest friends one could have to times when I wanna bean ‘em one! ;oP

To tell you I have crazy friends like Namith who don’t like to allow me – a 24 year old – traveling in ricks alone in a new city!who would come n pick me up and fuss over me like I was made of china (psssstttttttttt, won’t say it didn’t feel amazing!) ;o)

Hey, also wanted to tell ya I stood first in my batch for the proficiency test! (I know I know… not terribly modest eh? but hey, there were 16 engineers amongst the batch of 50…and I still managed to top it – without EVER studying!)…(n NOOO it wasn’t sheer luck and this doesn’t say anything about my colleagues intellect levels, hrumph)

….but no. I could never tell you any of this. Why? Cause the very day I came back the hospital rounds began. Dad’s Scan results showed presence of a growth. or lession as the medical world calls it.
And now the reports are in. positive. He has cancer. Cancer.
Will know tomorrow whether it can be operated on.

Why me? why is it always me against…why can it never, ever be a WE against the …
Oh,of course I have my darling sister.she is being even MORE amazing then usual…and normally itself she is beyond wonderful..but …but, she has bala…my too-good-to-be-true brother in law…he is so terrific I don’t even refer to him as my b-i-l/jiju (hindi word for brother in law)…the acronym for him is JDB…my JDB..jiju+daddy+brother…all three rolled into one.
And my family, both sides – dad’s as well as mom’s are out in full strength to support this time…so for the very first time I am not doing the hospital rounds alone..infact also for the first time dad has been taken to the hospital without me.maybe that’s why. Maybe that’s why I am feeling like this..am not totally consumed with hospital visits,arranging the next appointment,giving dad his medicine doses,making sure he doesn’t go any where near a smoke..never before during a crisis have I ever had the time to think…to miss him. (or that’s what I am telling myself.don’t want to face up to the fact that this situation is way more serious then any before)
But I dooo wish I had someone to hug me…to tell me that everything is going to be ok. To whom I was numero uno on a priority list.who would hate seeing tears in my eyes (not that I am much of a crier..in my sister’s words I am a bottler amongst other things!)..someone whose shoulders were primarily reserved for me. someone who would take my place to escort dad to the doc’s when I can’t get out of work. Someone who would tell me that I’m not a terrible daughter for having been in another city when dad’s stomach pains began..because of which the CAT-Scan got delayed…because of which VITAL time was lost.. because of whom…because of whom dad might have…might have developed cancer.

Why me?

Cancer....i hope its not Cancer

2004-08-19T15:19:00.000+05:30

.....dad had a biopsy done today....results awaited.
hopefully they should be in by saturday....latest monday. i'm not much of a "pray er"....as in a person who prays.... but this time i'll make the exception.
*fingers crossed*

from the bay which was bombed..

2004-08-16T12:36:00.000+05:30

for the last time!
(i've written this post 5 times already!)

...i'm back home, in Bombay.

and looks like the never ending rounds of Wockhardt have begun in full swing, yet again.

dad is not well. seriously not well. serious enough to make me almost cry. almost. hospitals rounds begin today itself. (i ABHOR the smell of hospitals already)

hope you are all doing well? ....will check in on you soon.. i hope.

more later.
take care people.

i'm baccccckkkkkkkkkk

2004-08-04T11:21:00.000+05:30

......though not for long!
its 11:31 in the morning (going towards noon)... and lunch has suddenly become the only meal i eat these days!
the new revised shift timings are from THREE in the night/morning to 12 in the afternoon!! - a good nine hours! ...and to get to office at 3 we are loaded up in the car at the unearthly hour of 1 at night! ...two hours of banglore sight seeing... only trouble is we (the 3 of us unfortunate souls who have been moved to 'banglore transport') actually 'see' nada! its too bloody dark to see outside... allways assuming we are feeling brave enough to stick out faces out in the freezing cold! (banglore is _FREEZING_ at night...especially if ur cab driver refuses to roll up his window!!)
tales of vodka drinking...trip to club x...first brush with tequilla....all in the offing...hopefully soon!!
for now i'm off to read my fav blogs and hopefully leave comments!!
keep visitin floks! :)

absconding!

2004-07-20T05:25:00.000+05:30

...i am not!
absconding yet again that is! i truly meant to make writing my blog a more regular part of my life.... but time seems to just FLY by here (not that i'm having that much fun or anything... just that time just evaporates with me)
i can't believe it has been over 2 weeks in banglore! - don't ask me what i have seen so far, we'll come to that soon.
the blasted hotel the company has put us up in is located at some far off place - far, far, FAR, away from anything remotely fun. so the only time we can "see" the city and be close to civilisation is during the weekend!! (i use the term "we" VERY loosely here - both the weekends that went past saw me stayin over at a friend's place - who sweetly keeps insisting that i move in bag and baggage n attend office from there itself - considering their place is much closer to my office too! only trouble is my batch's feelings have been trampled upon too much - as they see it as me not spending any time with them! so i'm kinda caught in the middle there - much to my friends ire)
ah, so my dear readers are wondering what brings me - the hooky-playing-irregular-as-hell-these-days-blogger to our wonderful blog world?!? at the unearthly hour of 5:44 in the morning, no less!
well, our trainer has had to leave.... that is to say, has had to leave for the day as she has to be back for some sorta meeting in the morning at around 10ish and its not possible for anyone to stay up till 7 - when our training is supposed to get over - go home n get back to office by 10 in the morning AND be in office at 10:30 the same night to take another class! so the upshot of it all is we have some "free time"..
...er, well, ok not exactly free time. we are supposed to be doing things like self-study and research so that we don't flunk the forth coming (like TOMORROW) knowledge check!
ah well.... what will be will be..will be! the future is not ours to see!!
cannot be bothered about IPconfigs and ping tests nor do i feel any great curiosity about what a modem does... or how a router cum modem is superior to a plain ol modem.
let me tell ya bout our crazy weekend end!
on saturday morning i met up with yesha (yup, the pretty lady has come to b'lore too! as has namith!!...nope my friends don't go following me around - though that would be awesome! - they just happened to have other work here and made it down while i was here) yes, where were we? (i have this irritating habit of wandering off, don't i? just that its been ages since i caught up with you guys n i have a million lil ity-bity things i wanna share with ya. ....oh oh there i go again!!) going back, yea, i met up with yesha... who took me to a 'beauty palour' - which basically is a code word for torture chamber here in banglore! they tried to bleach my upper lip (actually the females there kept insisting like the dickens that i do my whole face, but i was real wary considering i hadn't ever tried anything like it on my face and have particularly sensitive skin, so upper lip it was) ...when the were done with me... the region around my mouth was a very angry pink... not to mention EXTREMLY sore!!
yesha assured me it was just a first time reaction n it would wear off within a few hours... i kinda hoped so too....
after a nice lunch of pizza (this pizza chain called 'u.s pizza' - good stuff!) sleep marked me for its own for a couple (yes, only two!) of hours...after which we headed of to some mall called Forum. The mall was a real nice (not to mention BIG) one...though i didn't really get much a chance to explore the place as not all my friends have a 5 day week (people working in other offices - better offices - infosys,wipro, etc!) so half of the gang was kinda pooped... headed straight for the food court..which has more then 14 types of crusines...
sunday morning saw us all seeing "my big fat greek wedding" in bed on a friends laptop... it was fun (n as i hadn't seen it before, i really liked it a lot!)
in the evening we went out shopping on this street called commerical street - the ONLY place i've really seen in banglore (have been dragged there 3 times!) and is a shopoholics dream come true...you have the roadside stall sellers india is so famous for jostling for space right along side posh designer show rooms..
picked up a couple of tops and a scented candle... lavender fragance.. haven't ever bought 'em before.. n am not entirely sure what i am going to do with the one i have either... don't think i can bring myself to light it!..that was the end of my shopping spree..(psstttt, so far.. am supposed to go to the blasted street tomorrow too - yesha is leaving town) ...am not sayin i didn't wanna buy more, but sadly things like bank balance has to be taken into account.
after the shopping we stuffed our faces at banglore's claim to 'authentic roadside cafe' - woodys.... n then headed over to a place called conner house - a desert palour (almost said ice-cream parlour)
....whoops, time up... need to rush else i'll miss the drop back to the hotel! toodle-oo n see ya soon ;o)

late night entries

2004-07-10T03:21:00.000+05:30

3:16 in the morning...
...and i'm stuck in a training session!

my trainer is valiantly trying to teach all 25 unrully kids (atleast thats how we behave) Implementation of Multiple Email ID Feature on outlook express along with teaching us what a router does!
feels like they are trying to cram one year enggi syllabus into a singal month of training.. moreover the trainer doesn't seem to have much of a clue either...so comes across like a parrot who has learnt her stuff by rote...
ah, enough of this classroom... have sneaked online to get away from it!

how remiss of me... i meant to tell all, each and everyone of my readers (and friends who leave COMMENTS!), how wonderful it felt to know that i was missed during the enforced hiatus from the internet. the three weeks of training in bombay were horrible! am soooo not cut out for 14+ hour days!
training was held at a place over two hours away from my place... so going and coming back... just travel time would account for 4 1/2 to 5 hours of my day!!! awfulllll i tell u!!
add to that, the commuting was done in the bombay local trains.... reciepe for a hellish day!

but the weekend bombay-training got over was amazing! (2nd july)
friends - clarissa,namith and pooja (more of a sis really) camped outside my office till is was 'set-free' and vanita and yesha waited (for a full 3 hours) for us at bandra.... rateesh (an enggi, a comp sci enggi at that, who has chosen - get this! - H.R for his carreer!)joined us post work... after dinner (among other things) we (clar,namith,yesha n me) found our way to my place at (12 at night)... almost!....i say almost because ajeaz was to join us n his bus was delayed... namith n yesha waited n picked him up and brought him over to my place at 1:30 in the morning! which is when we cut a four 4 pound cake! (nope the five of us didn't attempt finishin it... just made great in roads!) :) ...tummy's full with other pajama party stuff like chips n watery coffee (made by the guys) sleep finally marked us for its own at around 3 in the morning (though there were 2 people with exceptional staminia who stayed up till 5 in the mornin i'm told!!)
3rd was a flurry of activity, what with all the shopping (yes, i can do girly things too... well, sometimes!) 4th was the bus journey (which was to be an 18 hour BUS journey... which translated into a 22 hour journey in reality!)
5th (when i last updated) i reached banglore (don't ask me anything bout the city, haven't got the opportunity to explore it quite yet) and my pals took me out to dinner - once they found my godforsaken hotel - it is located outside city limits (and civilisation!)
ever since the 6th all i have been doing is attending office - at NIGHT... and sleeping during the day and solving problems during late evening... before i get ready for another bout of office at night...
today was a client visit in office, so all of us
the weekend is here... our trainer has allowed us to leave early for the day.... (yup, its 6:50 in the morning...NO... i don't type that slowly... i needed to keep sneakin online remember?!?) anyways,i've finished the post finally... and am uploading it... will check (and hopefully correct) all spelling mistake sometime tomorrow! :)

banglore bound

2004-07-05T19:39:00.000+05:30

...the below is a post i wrote a few days back...why wasn't it posted then u ask? i fell asleep with the laptop on my lap!! i ain't cut out for 14 / 15 hour days i tell ya!!

The crazy mind is backkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

….i honestly haven’t been able to check mail/log on for more then 10 mins for the 3 times I did sneak online since 4th june.
Reasons? (a very curious lot aren’t we???) ….where were we? Ah yes, reasons..
Reasons as usual as many and copious…
…5th and 6th saw me running around frantically buying things for my darling sis (half of which didn’t make it to the shores of the United States, but u can’t say it was for lack of trying!)…as her bday was coming up, a family friend was heading there – and unsuspectingly agreed to carry “something” for her…. Little did he expect that a huggeeee bag was going to be left at his residence!
7th through 9th saw me getting my life into a semblance of order…also took ma for a ‘check-up’ (she is recovering splendidly – though the complaint of lack of energy persists)
10th I decided to do something of the “job-shift” I’ve been planning for a while (since a certain Mr.Jer/Shayer only talks of helping!)
11th I went for an interview. Got selected! Yay!! Have to join on Monday the 14th!!! Not so yay!!
Am still in “training” (the training period itself lasts for around 3 months) …three weeks of which is in Bombay and the remaining in Banglore!!
Was told it was a 5 day week… but very conveniently they now tell us it’s a 6 day week during training!
Was told transportation would be provided by the company, now we are told, not during training.
Was told the Bombay bit of training will be held at Andheri, I’ve been commuting to Malad for the past 3 weeks! (those not from Bombay – travel time from thane – where I live – is nearly double!)
Ah well, it’s a good company…so…
Come Sunday, 4th of july, I shall be on my way to the “silicon valley” of India… Banglore. (think of Bombay as New York – with a LOT more character and soul! And Banglore as California)

....whokay, thats where i fell asleep!

i've just REACHED banglore...had a wonderfully warm, one hour long shower...and kept the promise i made to myself that the first thing i'd do when i get to banglore is upload this post...
...now my banglore based friends r here to pick me up to go out for dinner (its 7:45) ...will write soon n tell u all, till then adios!

hmmmm...

2004-06-04T16:07:00.000+05:30

wanted to write a new post...but realised I hadn't replied to comments for donkeys years - not to mention haven't commented anywhere!! (blame it on the lack of PROPER computer access...this one just tried electrocuting me!! :( ...yup, a keyboard that shocks.. and not with its efficiency either :"( ....my kingdom for a good computer I say..my kingdom for a good computer!...also if I meet my maker before my time you know now who would be to blame!!!)
please check the comments on the previous post... going as far back as you want...or have the time to :)
and your own sites for comments in a day or two...
(pssttt... the few who sent personal mails will be getting replies shortly too...terribly sorry for the delay)
p.s : any of you out there who are in love, use meatloaf's "I'd lie for you and that's the truth" as a guide..on how to behave... what to do..
and engrave
"I'd never tell you one lie, I'd never let you down
I'd never leave I'd be the one who'd always be around"
on your very soul...

Alive...Not sure bout the well.

2004-05-30T11:43:00.000+05:30

Back.
remember so many nights in the past couple of weeks when I'd have given anything for a laptop... Had so much to say and no one to say it to :|
now here ..sittin in front the comp.. at a cyber cafe... with a gazillion thoughts buzzing around in my head dunno what to put down.. where to begin... even whether to write or not..
but considering i'm here... and i've promised a few i'll write..

those of you who are reading this...sit back, grab yourself a nice,long,cool drink... this is going to be one verbose post... or so i think right now...

lets start with ma..
as you all know, thanks to my darling sis (Urmila for those of you who don't know her name.. a BRILLIANT Ph.D aspirant in astro-physicst at JHU,Maryland), mom had to have an operation.

It all started with her complaining of severe stomach ache about 15 days ago... i took her to our local doctor who thought it was acidity and gave her some medicines... when the pain didn't abate she gave her an injection, but had been suspecting something out of the ordinary...
two hours later ma was still groanin with pain...very close to tears.. i felt totally helpless at not being able to do anything to alleviate her pain...
i spoke with the doctor that night and she suggested we get a sonography done for mom...as it might be stones in the gall bladder.
the next day i bullied,cajoled,harrassed,et all her into coming with me to the clinic for the sonography (am not terribly sure of the spellin)
the doc there confirmed she had stones in the gall bladder.. but they were too big to be broken down with laser or melted down with medicine.. she would need surgery.. the sooner the better..
since the pain had receded by this time ma wanted to put off the surgery (she is very wary of surgery, understandably i guess) ...also try and consult with other doctors to see if there was any alternative to surgery..
our local doc had prescribed some medicines for the time being, so she was sort of ok..
then the fateful Saturday came bout..22nd, Sat, 2004.
a day that began with great promise... my bestest friend ever was in town (actually still is i think), we were having a rough patch and the night before had resolved to sort out our difference no matter what.. his words "i can't live without you" still ring in my ears...
"i've learnt my lesson... i was a foolish child..please forgive me.. i'll NEVER leave you again. no matter what"
he was going to come over at 8 in the morning to pick me up...take me out for a movie and lunch... then go shoppin later... a leisurely dinner too maybe... one day of bliss stolen away... and then we were going to get down to resolving our problems...
(actually, we were on the phone till rather late Friday night.. Saturday morning? i told him he wouldn't get up at 6:30/7:00 if he slept now.. he said he would.. infact said "i bet i'll get up... just u wait n see. else u win whatever u want"
saturday morning saw me all geared to go by 8... he doesn't show...
8:30...still no luck...
9:00.... maybe he is stuck in traffic, he does live an hour and a half away after all...
9:30..ok, maybe i should call him... i hope he hasn't gotten stuck anywhere..
9:30....thats odd, why wont he answer...
10:00....ok,maybe i should call his place..
"hello, can i speak with _ _ _ _ _ please?" ...his grandmother informs me blithely he is sleepin!!!
i continue callin him till 3 in the afternoon!!! finally a friend comes over n we decide that he wont be coming so we'd go for a movie...
he finally gets up at FOUR in the afternoon!! i am a little peevedish..but didn't wanna get into another fight so let him off the hook quickly (after him PROMISING that i get his laptop for a whole month!!! :o) (why is the song 'i'm a material gurl' playin in the background suddenly?!?) actually it was more as a punishment.. of him NOT havin a laptop for a month more then my having it (*actually he was happy i'd have it n could use a good comp...i was teasin him by sayin i wouldn't use it all!)
this is all happenin at 5 in the evening...
then my friend tells me unless we get a move on we wont be able to catch the 6-9 show... so i get dressed to the ninnies...
and pass ma's room on the way out..
ma...
that sight is etched in my memory forever more...
she was sitting there, hunched over...clutching her stomach...face contorted in pain...
for a split second i couldn't understand for the life of me what in the name of all that is green on god's good earth was goin on!
a sec later i realised its them, damned stones causing the mischief... i decided enough is enough.. i'm admitting her into a hospital right away... she tried insisting even in this state that no no the pain will soon pass... i called up my local doc, asked her which hospital would be a good place... cause what i know about doctors and hospitals can be written on a postage stamp.. n there still would be a whole hellava lot of space left over...
the doc suggested i get ma a couple of strong pain killers by which time she would come over and then we could decide which hospital to admit her to...
so off mayu and i went in search of the medicines... and since i was admitting ma into the hospital i would also need to locate an international callin booth and call my sis... the last few times any 'serious health concerns' at my place i'd normally keep her out of the loop till things were sorta settled down or give her the most watered down version of the situation (which i just might still be guilty of...she is my baby after all!) ...but last time around... (last time? thats the topic for another post all together) she had gotten a promise outta me that i wouldn't ever leave her out of the loop again..
while on my way... the only person i msged was the bestest friend (n got noo reply) :oS
---more on this later, after ma's story is completed..

a lot of confusion ensured after.. got her the medicine.. but our doc was soon realising most surgons weren't available on account of it being a Saturday evening!
she even sent us to a couple of unadmittable places! best was this one hospital a good 25 mins away from my place ...after gettin there.. n ma climbing the steps... the maid informs us she wouldnt be able to admit ma as the doctor is on holiday!! "there are no patients and no doctors" were her exact words!!
to say i was bugged with my doc would be the understatment of the century!!!
anyways, after runnin from pillar to post.. calling up a gazillion doctors we finally found a decentish hospital, called... check this out - Pramila Hospital!! :) (yea, i was gettin desperate enough to open my own hospital!) ;)
ma was put on some drips and given a some injections which helped her immenesly..
my friend who thankfully was with me till now said she'd have to leave.. she has been havin words with her husband.. and any later it would cause more trouble...
i arranged for the special room to be all cleaned up n readied for ma (nothin but the very best for mum!) and then had to go get somethin for her dinner - this stupid place wouldn't provide her any food! ...food..hadn't eaten lunch since i was waitin for someone ...then thought i'd eat before the movie.. and when all this was going on.. the very idea of me eatin.. was sure i'd throw up
got ma food. then was given a rather lengthy list of medicines to procure after 11 in the night! when all the medical shops around were shut!!..a few mins of roaming around on the bombay-pune highway (the hospital is located bang on it!) produced a medical shop...
phew..
satuday and sunday she was at pramila hospital...
monday i transfered her to WOCKHARDT under a Dr.Koppikar's treatment.. a wonderful doctor, god bless his soul!
the gall bladder removal operation can be done by a laprascopic surgery... which basically is a surgery by making 3 or 4 ports on the patient's stomach of bout 10 mm or 1 cm ..and dont require stiches.. and usually is a pretty easy operation...
but in ma's case it was unbelievably complicated.. she has had FOUR serious operations previously.. 2 of them for hernia (and the third one is WELL underway as well!) :( ...and she has an artificial mesh inserted as her stomach walls have lost the strength...
all of this meant me gettin more worried bout the operation - which took place on Wednesday - with only Clarissa (thank heavens for u, gurl) holdin my hand..
ma was under general anestheisa and was supposed to regain consciousness after about an hour of the operation and brought back to her room after bout n hour and a half..but they didn't let me even speak with her for over two hours!! i was like a cat on a hot, REALLY hot, tin roof!
well, i was worryin needlessly as usual ...the surgery had gone off without a hitch a ma was in perfect health... allabeit tired.. *touch wood. NOW*
she is now back home and is doing pretty well... though she feels tired all the time.. guess she'll regain her strength soon :)
alls well that ends well i guess..

about my friends..or friend in particular...
this is going to be way tooo detailed...in an attempt to get a few things outta my mind (find logic if any???), don't think its going to be terribly interesting... it can be ....
no longer found :-S

From Pramila's sister

2004-05-26T23:28:00.000+05:30

Hi guys,
This is Pramila's elder sis posting for her to let all of you ppl, who are worrying
about her (for those who are not worrying :P) know that she is fine but our mom is
ill and Pramila is holding fort (as usual, I'm playing hooky! :( ). My mom needed an
operation, which was successfully performed today and Pramila did a great job of
handling doctors, hospitals & my parents (not an easy job, I must tell ya! ;)) all by
herself. Unfortunately since I am stuck in the US, all I could offer her & my parents,
was emotional support and she really did an awesome job. I know this is kinda getting
to be an hagiographic post but it is true. She didn't have much support from her friends
either, which I was upset about because she is usually at the forefront when it comes
to helping her friends. But I guess that's how life is and one must never expect support
no matter how much support one gives. She is very prescient though, her fav line is
'I don't expect anything from anybody'. What was the worst thing was that some
'best friends' picked this time to make her even more miserable.
However it is fine and she has managed my mom's operation very well. She will
probably post on this weekend. Take care.

Its been way toooo long since…

2004-05-15T21:29:00.001+05:30

...since I had someone who wanted to hold me in his arms..for no reason at all..
...since I've known someone who wanted to call in the middle of a crazy work day to have his “smoke”
...since someone called me and shot his mouth off saying “why don’t you leave my head for like 5 mins? I haven’t been able to get _ANY_ work done!!!” ...and promptly hang up when he realized it was my kid sister who had answered the call! ;o)
...its been way to long since someone didn’t want to share the wooden armrest in a movie hall...instead insisted that I rest my hand ON his...
...since someone wanted to cook for me, despite not even knowing how to boil an egg!
...since someone wanted to stay up the night listening to me ramble on and on and ON (I do tend to go on eh?!) bout arbit things...
...since I had someone who gave me massages..
...since a person was “on my side”...no matter what...
...since someone was interested in the most mundane things of my life...even if it was just what time I got up..
...since someone sang me to sleep...actually since someone just wanted to sing to me...
...since someone wrote 25 page letters (yes, in the era of e-mails!) bout his childhood..growing up..school...
..since someone wished I was part of his childhood
...since someone felt holding me in his arms and not kissing me was the most difficult thing he has ever had to do..
...since someone wished his work permit to work in a foreign land (for an AMAZING job) didn’t come through ..just so that he’d have more time with me
...since anyone got a headache because he hadn’t heard my voice..
...since someone exhibted withdrawl symptoms because he wasn't around me
...since I knew someone who wanted to just watch me sleep, for hours (n didn’t mind my morning breath!)
...since someone flew across half the country to surprise me..
...since someone wanted to take a hundred circles around the fire..
...since someone just knew he would always feel that way bout me..
...since I was the bench mark..yardstick in someone’s life...his be all and end all..
...since I meant more to someone then himself..
...since a person put me above all else..even his ego
...since a person could spend eternity just looking into my eyes..
...since someone forgot the way to his own house!...because I was sittin next to him in the cab
...since someone sat in a puddle of water...and didn't realise it... untill I pointed it out when we got up...cause of my sittin next to him
...since someone screamed at a rickshaw driver to go left left leffttttt... when he actually wanted to go right...cause he couldn't think straight with me next to him...
....since someone actually sweeped me off my feet to land on his lap
...since someone just could not see me cry..
...since someone went for a party with his friends and missed me so much that he called me up and left the phone on, just so that he could ‘feel’ me with him. Even though it was long distance.
...since someone told me You are all I'll ever need
..since someone wanted to beat up a friend for castings aspersions on me..
...since someone stayed up half the night recording a compilation of my favorite songs for me..
...since someone bought mosquito repellent for me..for valentine!
...since someone got me a 'magic lamp' for valentine’s to "help you see how beautiful you really are"
...since someone thought I was really beautiful..not just to him.. but actually beautiful..
...since someone got hassled over my dinner dates with other guys...
...since someone got hassled over me period
...since someone insisted on dropping me home never mind how much trouble it landed him in...not to mention the expense involved
...since someone tired learning "I’d lie for you and that’s the truth"
...since someone wanted to see every facet of mine..
...since someone not only wanted me to be close to him…but wanted to be close to me
...since someone wanted to study hard and get good grades “just to make you proud”
...since a guy wanted to walk over from the other end of the city just so that he could shake some sense into me... just so that he could kiss me...just so that he could hold me ..just so that he could smell me..just so that he could see me..
...since a guy told his friends “hands off, she is mine!”
...since someone afforded me the freedom to just 'be' (thank you Neil)
...since someone told me “if I could, I would. But since I can’t I won’t.” when asked to ‘get over’ me..
...since someone believed "its NOT possible to get over you"
...since someone felt “Lord she's every lover that I've ever had ...And she's every lover that I've never had”
...since someone not only loved me...but was IN love with me.
and believed it would last forever.

Strange eh?...I’ve never been in love..and yet I miss the feeling of being loved in the romantic sense..

(people coming by after a bit, read 13th may too - and yes, its still not completed..soon i promise)

_WOWIIEEE_!!! someone put up an entire post JUST for moi?! ...have a nice warm, fuzzy, feeling inside!! Check it out here!

Diamonds are a DAUGHTER'S best friend!! ;oP

2004-05-13T18:01:00.001+05:30

..ok, attempt two at creating a new post.
haven't posted in a while... reasons? many and copious... but the real reason? - i'm a LAZY person!! ...and having a really ill computer doesn't help matters any!! :(
my birthday - 7th may - came and went (am REALLY glad bout the went part! would be totally accurate to say it was the _WORST_ b'day i've had. EVER
but that might have something to do with the way i started it.
got into a lousy argument with one of best friends, if not the best friend. he seemed intent on making me cry - achieved it - and then wanted to see how long he could achieve that feat...
then i re read cards sent by the "disappearing dude" (read 11th April's post) and the unreal nature of his disappearance hit me again...last year this time he was moving heaven and earth to send me flowers (no one else had ever sent me flowers other then him till then!) cause he was outta the city ...wound up callin in favours from friends - coming to the back of the beyond - thane - is NOT something people agree to do readily! ...and this year nothing. not even a b'day wish :|
ah, why the hell can't i ever let go of people. why do i stayed mired in my memories.
another friend - clarissa - who had sort of vanished too came back..that was nice... gives one hope.
a bad thing? dunno...
i'm getting side tracked...my bday...yea...what did i do?
my lil sis aka poo came over "early in the morning" in her land which in indian standard time meant 2 in the afternoon...
so after a hurried lunch made by ma (mum's one hellava of an amazing cook i tell ya!) we went and caught the movie Main Hoon Na which for some weird reason had a spoof on the matrix. ummm matrix... haven't seen part 2 or 3. why? we'd promised each other we'd see it together n not with anyone else. might not see those movies this life time.
wonder what the oracle has to say bout this...
after the movie we took some picture which prove beyond a shadow of doubt i'm TOTALLY unphotogenic! plus i look REALLY horrid!! ...all in all..a bad combo :(
then met another friend of mine, mayura, and she got us cake - black forest!! :) ....then i was dragged kickin and screaming for x-ray of my hand. some b'day eh? :-S
then mayu and i had dinner - at MacD's!!! :| ...then came home n sulked! ..ok well, i wanted to sulk at any rate...
a friend had his exams so i had be the sunshine gurl to cheer him up!
ah, the curse of being me! oooo ok ok, way to melodramatic!!
also forgot - the entire day there was an on going spat with my 'kid' who wanted me to come to b'lore for my bday - and n my not being there peeved him off no end. now lookin back, maybe i should have gone... who knows...
what did i get?? my lil sis got me a really nice top...my elder sis gave me plenty of the ol green stuff!! :).... and ma got me a ring in white gold, studded with diamonds!!!
look at that.... a friend has coaxed me into meeting him for dinner (he of the "i am sorry, i forgot ur bday! i thought it was on the 12th so sue me!" fame!! :-S
gotta rush... this is an incomplete post...will do the rest tonight (hopefully!)

my left hand!!

2004-05-06T23:55:00.000+05:30

What have I been up to you asketh ?
er...a dear friend wanted me, _me_, of no creative talent, me to write him a ‘story’…and after much persuasion I started that on Monday..after reading chapter one any doubts I might have had about my writing abilities were dispelled. I have none.
Tuesday I wanted to get my hair trimmed…I have…no wait, _had_ - as in the past tense of have – had, waist, er..well, butt length hair (and when the butt in question is of a 5.8” person it’s pretty well away from the head!) …lack of tlc (tender loving care silly goose!) ..yea, lack of tlc saw that I developed a lot of split ends..so I thought a trim was in order.. the friend who was to accompany me for the hair cut was aghast and was totally against the idea..i convinced her a short trim would be good for my hair n it would grow back in no time.
Then I reached the beauty parlour and a little sweet talk..a lot of snips later… lo behold the man had converted my butt length, thick, jet-black hair to shoulder length horror!! I sat there stupefied not knowing what to say. (for people from the blog world – my hair used to be the only redeeming physical attribute in me, or so I have been told!) so now I’m without a single saving grace, physically at least :|
Wednesday there was the Times Ascent Job fair – which should have been called the BPO fair – the only, I mean, ONLY industry represented there was the call center one!
On my way back I had an accident...well sorta…
Was standing near the entrance of a local train compartment and talking to my friend… when suddenly I left the biggest jolt ever! *whack* …for a split second I didn’t even understand what the hell had happened…
Except everyone was looking at me and my friend was pulling me in…that’s when I realized elbow downward my hand was just a huge ‘pain’…
Long story short… I hurt my hand. Bad. Am sitting here typing this with one hand! :| ….the swelling has now come down (then it was 4 times my other hand’s size) …but i might have a hair line fracture. Dunno yet…its got a scary bluish look :-S
All thanks to my lil sis – baccha aka pooja aka poo – who _insisted_ like the dickens I would go to a doctor – else I would still have a throbbing hand with no medical attention.
…some way start to my “birthday” eh?

Week long weekend

2004-05-02T02:14:00.000+05:30

Haven’t updated for a while…the last week has been a sort crazy chaotic week.
Last Saturday saw me attending an educational fair at the Taj Lands End at Bandra reclamation – reclamation from the sea that is. (wonder what happens when the sea decides to reclaim it's land!) Met up with my kid (cousin) brother and took him out to dinner after the fair - he who gives me strict instructions that the little time I spend with him, he will not share me with anyone! When his dad (my father’s younger brother) comes to ask us something, goes “why will no one leave us alone!!”
Have received the cutest compliment _EVER_ from him….ages ago, when he was really young – bout three or so, we were chattin..he with his head in my lap looking up… I asked him the silly ol question people are wont to ask children (I was bout 14 at the time) “Niki (short for Nikhil) how much do you love me?” ..he looks up, cocks his head to one side and says “Do you know how much I love you?”…"From deeeeeeepppppp underground to beyond god!!!”
To say I was blown away would be the understatement of the decade! No, century!! Ah the innocence of childhood…this kid is going to grow up to be a heartbreaker I tell you…(if only I could find myself a grown man who'd feel that way bout me!!) :|

Sunday saw me shopping, then sulking - in that order. Shopping loses it charm when one has to limit herself to the frigging XL section at the store. It is even worse when one lives in a country so crazy as to declare waist size 32 as XL in western wear!!! So browsing through tent like Salwar Kameez’s is the only option for someone who doesn’t conform to the fashion guru’s ideas of a female figure. And if the person happens to be reallllyyy on the large side (such as me) life is not fun. Hey I’m tall too!
I guess I didn’t help matters by pigging out with my pals in an acting of rebellion. This binge eating has got to stop I tell you!
(wonder how/why the friends I was with, who “binged” as much as I did, never,ever, put on weight. ummm, one of them is married…a love marriage at that. that might explain _her_ cardio vascular work outs!) ;)

On Monday I got myself a blue nail! No no, I didn’t get it jammed anywhere. Monday was election day for Bombay (the central government) and when a person casts his/her vote a blue dot is put to signify that the person is a contentious individual who wants to make a difference. Well, maybe also so that people don’t cast their votes more then once!
Now the astute reader must be wondering why instead of a blue dot or two did I have a blue nail. Ah, the mystery behind that one is the lady in charge of dispensing the ink (dye?) was quite generous when it came to me! So I now have a blue nail & cuticle! hrumph.

On Wednesday a parcel came from salt lake city!! I got a hand made bracelet and wonderful C.D and book!! Thank you so much princess..you made my day!
Also I finally sent off chocolates I had made over a month ago for a friend in Goa…I wonder if the chocolates are edible any longer (hint hint : let me know if u got 'em. liked em?)…

My blog moved to its new home on 27th april - ok, you obviously know that else you wouldn’t be reading this. Silly me. I just wanted to say thank you to allllll of you who wrote to ask about its disappearance…the reactions ranged from furious (I demand to know what hell have you done with your blog!??) to the sweet (I need my daily fix of pramila / I need my daily dose of vitamin P – if I was giving out prize, you’d win!) ;) to the really concerned/bordering on panic “HELLO? Oh my god! Where is your blog!?” …it felt really nice to note so many of you cared……
she was the first person to notice... this Englishman (German for now?) shared a bit of his past (the slightest bit ever though)… this lady wrote a really cute line on it(do check it out!)…thanks to this dude’s mail I not only got to know he reads my crazy stuff…but also got introduced to a new (for me that is people!) author…and had it not been for the mail I’d had never known he visits!…darling cousin’s mail was the only sign that I had people in N.Z reading this space!
Everyone else who sent me mails, thank you ever so much (I LOVE mails! The more verbose the better)
I now have a sis in Bali, a kindred spirit in Chile, someone who gets what I was on bout in gemany, not to mention the numerous _WONDERFUL_ people scattered all over the U.S of A...I love my blog world!

Oh yes, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Hima – people please do go over and wish her :)

why does life just happen?

2004-04-28T12:35:00.000+05:30

Am sitting here…in front of my computer….with the keyboard eagerly waiting to do my bidding… to become a vehicle of my mind’s thoughts…
A hot cuppa steaming tea…me in my most comfortable (read worn out) slacks…sweat damping my brow…my upper lip… dampening my sprits…
Whenever something upsets me (yup, I too have feelings, strange as that might be) I usually simply put it out of my mind. Out of sight out of mind and all that sorta thing… normally it achieves the desired result…stops the pain by making me forget (for atleast that moment)… and in time what ever was causing me hurt, stops. Stops hurting. By virtue of being too long ago, no longer hurts…maybe a residual distaste remains…but no longer pain…gut-ripping and soul-wrenching kinda pain (not that I have too much experience with the ‘gut-ripping’ & ‘soul-wrenching’ genre!!)
most times. most times this is ostrich behaviour achieves the desired result… ‘outta sight outta mind’ types…or like my ever popular signature for my email says “Absence extinguishes small passions and increases great ones, as the wind will blow out a candle, and blow in a fire. "
…and then there are somethings, things no matter how long you bury, never mellow down to ‘distaste’….things that have the power to make you keel over even years later…affect you beyond your wildest imagination. things you thought had boxed away hence presumed would never… could never affect you….but because they spring up so suddenly, they jump at you and bite you… bite you in your most vulnerable spot. (the fires of life?)
It could be anything that triggers your memory…opening the Pandora’s box of emotion ….meeting someone unexpectedly…actually not even meeting... just seeing is good enough….hearing a name…chancing by a place you had visited…something as innocent as a cushion you hugged when u spoke or how the way a particular lock of hair fell across a brow…a remembered smell...
and for that instant time freezes ….the impossibility of time travel is completely and totally lost on you and you are transported back in time…unwittingly…unwillingly… the pain still as fresh as the day you acquired it…
a certain ms dion’s song “its all coming back to me now” is playing in my head…. and a line from another song of hers “there are moments, there are hours, there are days when I still love you the exact same way”

the million dollar question is…will you still love me anyway?
(please scroll down for the particular song)

Slice of India

2004-04-25T00:24:00.000+05:30

Going by the Vishu post's comments I believe many of you might have an interest in things Indian.... a write up on one of them follows...

April 22 was Akshay Tritiya ( AT ) - same as 'thithi' to the Tamils, methinks - an auspicious day to make a beginning. AT symbolises the end of dark days of winter and the beginng of new dawn.
(are your jaws unhinged with my utterings ? I confess, I am usually quite oblivious and /or ignorant about most matters, let alone these esoteric 'tritiyas' linked to planetary positions ) .
My gyan (if I may call it that, is largely thanks to my terrific uncle who sent out a mail on this topic, _he_ relies on the daily press!!)

For those more hungry to know about AT- its is the day for beginnings and one of the 4 most sacred days in the Hindoo (I know the accepted is Hindu, but isn't this more fun!) calendar. I believe it is known as 'Ahsay Tadige' in Kannada (not to be mistaken as Canada!) and reportedly, Ved Vyas started chronicling the Mahabharta on this very day.

People up north (north of Bombay that is! north indians, not afghanis!!) opt to buy property , gold etc in a big way on AT. Idea being, if you buy gold on AT, it pours in the whole year through. Goddess Laxmi will bestow riches untold upon ye! (last line is _pure_ guess work!)

I guess some ancient marketing whiz kid must have thought up of AT to drum up sales for some merchant in the hoary past, considering March/April are slack periods generally - what with exams to fret over & cricket matches to be played!
It also seems to be a jolly good time to get married if the marriage processions on the roads are anything to go by. (not to mention fire crackers at all hours of the day! and yes, fire crackers for weddings!! Indians are a happy lot, and more often then not we want to tell the world and his dog bout our joy!)
I need every bit of good luck and fortune and heres hoping the celestial bodies pitch in, now !
Well, thats all for this session kids, tune in for your daily dose, same time, same place, every hour on the hour! ;)

May Akshaya Tritiya (analogous to the horn of plenty or cornucopia, to you Western kids) bring effects to your enterprise.

May the Force, as ever, be with all of you!

Jesuschristzuperstar!

2004-04-22T22:24:00.000+05:30

I’m not so sure becoming a parent is such a smart move! I mean the heartache and the sense of responsibility and sometimes the sheer impotency one feels is overwhelming. No no, I’m not a parent, well not yet anyway. Not in the real sense.
The friend I’ve been referring to, as a kid is whom I was thinking of.
I’m one of his closest friends… in his words I’m his ‘anchor in the sea of life’.
He was “doing things” with two of his female friends (at SEPARATE times! no orgies thank you very much) and things started getting complicated so all three of them decided to break it off (I’ve spoken with each of them). All of them unanimously decided to stay friends, only friends. PLATONIC only friends.
Each one is a really nice, warm, loving person. With plenty of love to give away… and possible, no wait, probably wanting some back. One is a goofy sorta protective person. The other is cuteness personified and very innocent to boot. Third one is vulnerable as hell on the inside but likes to pretend she is doing just fine.
All parties goofed up (one more then the others). Broke their word on different occasions subsequent to the ‘cease fire’ agreement. (cease all ‘foolin around’ just doesn’t fit, you know)
Couple of days down the line, one of the girls was out with her other friends…which left the other two alone at home. All sorts of ‘fun and frolic’ followed. To give credit they fessed up when the girl came back.
Next morning saw him making out with the other girl (the one who was out with friends the day before)
This has both the girls getting upset. Really upset. Which in turn makes the guy feel miserable.
They now think they can’t remain just friends and they should therefore move away. Hang out with the whole group (the famous six) but not be part of the close three-some.
Have tried talking to all parties involved …hope they can work out this glitch in their friendship..admittedly biiggg glitch.
I hate when this happens…why must the saying “you can go from being friends to lover, but not lovers to friends” be proved true so often?/em>
That said, I must also say these three have a very real chance of working things out *fingers crossed*

Update : saw this test on this babe's blog... and couldn't resist..

You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

If your mission in life is not already to preserve the English tongue, it should be.
Congratulations and thank you!

How grammatically sound are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Check it out.
(pssst,take the test!! its reeeallllyyyyy easy, so makes you feel good bout yourself! hell I got a cent percent!!)

Hey also I met my first ever ‘blog fan’! ….she is smart, she is witty, she is warm….and surprise surprise, she likes my musings!! To virgin blue lagoons tonight!!!
(…and you, you quit turning that shade of green, not your colour at all!)

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.

2004-04-21T20:44:00.000+05:30
Advertisement : Guitar, for sale.......cheap...........no strings attached.

Sign in a bar : "Those ...drinking to forget........ please pay in advance."

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.

A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

Smoking helps you lose weight .. one lung at a time!

When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.

My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out of the bottle.

I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee.

Getting caught is the mother of Invention.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone.

Seen on a bulletin board: Success is relative. More the success,more the relatives.

Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay: We need your heads to run our business.

A traffic slogan: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they will never be.

Seen in railway station at Patna: Aana free, Jaana free, Pakde gaye to khana free.
(roughly translated to : come free, go free, if caught food free!)

Share an one liner that stuck in your memory?

Friends – Season TWILIGHT ZONE

2004-04-19T15:28:00.000+05:30
Men! BAHHH!!!

Men. BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Ok, not all men. Just sicko perverts who think they can become Mr.Octopus and its acceptable! Even “between friends”! How gross is that!?

Prelude

There is this group of six friends - three guys and three girls. All of them recently got a job in a premier company (which is how they met, during training). Hit it off big time, house on fire stuff. Decided to live together after hanging out for the entire training period – two months.

After two months of living together...

Story

One night, everyone is having a good time on the terrace yakking / chit chatting / catching up on the days events, when suddenly one of the girls realizes the ‘friend’ she is leaning against has made a pass at her!..being the innocent and naïve woman she is, she figures the pass wasn’t intentional and decides not to talk bout it.
Few days later the same chap feels her up when they were horizontal together. The entire group is lying around and it comes like a total shock! This time it is very obvious that it was intentional. She doesn’t know what to do, makes up an excuse and gets out of the room.
She keeps her trap shut and doesn’t tell anyone else bout it because she doesn’t want to be the reason the “group broke up”!!
A few days later the guys are having a slumber party at the girls place. After several rounds of cards and plenty of food, lights are turned out and everyone retires for the night. Sometime durning the night the girl gets up to find the ‘hero’ not only laying down next to her, but feeling her up…and down!! She says she needs to use the loo, gets up and spends the whole night acting as if she is reading!!!
I get a call a few days ago, close to 2:00 at night when I was talkin to this chap.
To say I was shocked would be the understand of the century! I never thought Chandler would molest Rachael!!! (these were their assigned parts) I try to keep a tight rein on my temper and try to think up a more permanent solution then castrating Chandler. Come up with one.
Rachael talks to the asshole, tells him this is not acceptable behaviour and his attentions are totally unwanted. He gets the message, apologizes profusely and gives his word that it wouldn’t happen again.

Finale

Chandler took off for a couple of days after the talk and keeps pretty much to himself since he got back. He labors under the notion no one other then the girl know bout his transgression.

Why do guys do things like this?! Yikes! How can they look themselves in the mirror?!? Good lord! When I initially heard of the group I was so envious that they had got to live out the dream most people my age have (atleast around these parts). Have your own place, in a happening city. Plenty of dough to spend. No parental restrictions. A dream job. Amazing friends to hang out with all the time.
Just never factored in Chandler being pervert undercover I guess.

Am glad Joey was there though :)

Happy Vishu

2004-04-15T03:47:00.000+05:30
Today is the Tamilian New Year – Vishu. (atleast I think its tamilian and not keralite!) It begins EARLY in the morning (everything in tam-bhram land beings EARLY!)..wait I am not doing this right. Lemme start again..
Vishu or preparations for Vishu begin the night before.. the lady of the house arranges all sorts of things near the “worshipping place” of the household. Where the idols are kept. The family temple as it were. These “things” range from grains to fruits to flowers to money! And a nice biggish mirror! So that all the things kept are reflected in the mirror – sorta double the bounty I guess. All the articles displayed signify prosperity.
The lady does the "arranging" after the kids of the house have gone to sleep. You cannot use that part of the house once the arrangement is done.
(Ok, I can’t do this impersonal description thingy too well, going into personal story mode)
At the crack of dawn – 5 freezing o clock – ma would come and take us to the ‘temple’ – one at a time - with our eyes closed (with her hand over our eyes). We were allowed to open our eyes only when we were in proper viewing range – idea being ‘prosperity’ should be our first ‘view’ in the new year! :)
Then we’d touch the feet of everyone older to us and get money! YUP!! Mullah!! It’s one of the few traditions I lovvveeee!! :)) (little wonder that this used to be my fav festival as a child – actually still is! The Indian version of x’mas!! With MANY santas!!!) I was the youngest at home, so it was all ‘get get’ for me (yes, greedy child!)
…awww, now I miss my childhood Vishus …they were so much more fun. Urmila was here… my grandma was here…it was a full house…no it was home… now its just dad, ma & me :-S
Ok, change topic!
Ah yes, last night a friend attended the Latin pop sensation’s concert. He had gone with some friends and suddenly missed me and called up (long distance! on a cell phone!!). He kept screeching into the phone “can you hear this song”…all I could hear was a mad mob. I thought he was at some disc and wanted me to hear a particular song playing. All sorts of confusion ensured…but later when I figured what the call was for…it felt soooo nice! There he was, with his bunch of “in” friends..n he was missin silly ol moi? Chooo chweet! He is a darling. He is the one I’ve referred to as ‘my lil kid’ in a previous post (hey, he has broken it off with both females now!!)
He makes me feel so special and thinking I had any hand in him turning out the way he did fills me with so much pride! :)

Well that’s all for today’s edition of Bombay nonsense!

Oh before I go, to everyone older to me, I’d like to say….
Chinese, Japanese, Manganese, Portuguese, money please! (wish you could see the actions too!!)

And yes of-course 'APPY VISHU! :)

I’m not dead! Well, not just yet!!

2004-04-14T00:21:00.000+05:30
Trust me people I’ve not not updated my blog because I like to see the comments pile up! (though that is nice!!) ;)

One of my good friends –Sharon – came back to Bombay yesterday, she called after she landed back in town. After a bit of catchin up we hung up. She came over and we caught up some more. Then we went out for dinner and stuffed ourselves! This was followed by ice cream – at this HEAVENLY place – naturals. You have not had ice cream till you have tasted the stuff here! My personal recommendation Tender Coconut (also take my advise and never have this flavour any where else, unless of course you like the taste of coconut oil with your ice cream!)
Then we went back to her place and got down to some serious movie watching 3 movies last night and one today!

The evening (night?) began with Almost famous – a feel good movie, which does just that. Makes you, the viewer feel good. Not a bad thing at all..its got it cut/special moments…or rather in proper lingo “inspired moments”. Me like.
Then came Fight club – yes, people. I had not seen this movie before. All those who need to pull back your jaw to the correct position, I shall give you a moment.
Fight club. Part of me wanted to rob lines, wax eloquently; do everything that someone who has just seen fight club wants to do. But I have been warned by an elder sibling sorta person that this has been done to death & people will just roll their eyes any not even bother to read! So I shall desist. Suffice to say, it’s a brilliantly made movie (though I kinda guessed what was afoot when Brad Pitt tells our guy not to talk to the woman about him)
To all those who have not seen fight club, one word of advise : SEE IT.
The last one for yesterday was Satayajit Ray’s Bengali movie Charulata. A classics. Could follow the movie without the subtitles, but am told even if one has to fall back on the subtitles its well worth the effort.

Got home with the intention of sleeping…happened to channel surf, saw The Rock playing…so :) …have seen it before, but just couldn’t resist. Sean is tooooo sexy for words, which is actually not fair! The man is old enough to be a grandfather! My grandfather!!

Finally after movie mania ended, got talking to a dear friend, below is a bit from the conversation

me: i never got that personal mail from u with all your childhood stories as promised!! him: im in emotional turmoil
me: ummm emotional turmoil.... wanna talk to me bout it?
him: nah its alright
him: im a man & im tired of being sensitive
me: sweetheart its what makes u WHO u r
me: please tell me whats upsetting u
me: please?
him: same ole same ole
him: i cant
me: ummm what do u mean u can't? u should!! its unhealthy to let it fester like this
me: and who the hell said men shouldn’t be sensitive?

… Unfortunately my horrid dial up disconnected me before I could get an answer.

Why do men feel that “if you are a man you should not be sensitive” ? that is bullshit!
This got me thinking. Okay, actually first it got me mad and then it got me thinking. I know being sensitive shouldn’t be a gender issue, but how many of us would be comfortable if our 6.2” friends suddenly starts sobbing in public? Hey I’m not sayin I wouldn’t look askance at a female doin it! I would....just,ummm we would think nothing of a female crying while biddin adieu to friends…but how many guys cry when their friends leave? Even if it’s a permanent move? I wanted my pal to open up, talk about his issues... but society, all of us, have this deep rooted imperssion that a "man's man" doesn't display emotion.
That is a stupid notion. Even a "man's man" is human and therefore feels pain. Its just wrong if he is not given the freedom to display it. By us or by himself. What say you?

Clarification : Also people I seem to have not communicated what happened at the airport properly in the last post.
1. The guy who paid me the compliment was not some random person I meet at the airport. He was the guy’s best friend, the one who came with us in the car to the airport.
2. And as mentioned in the point one, there was a car in the picture. Driven by the DRIVER. This was one of those prepaid taxis typo thingy that you get India.
3. He did not drop me home on the bike! He just has one!! it was mentioned because I like bikes!

Trust me people this was big enough an issue for me to write bout it – I got a call from a little known city called Baltimore 1st thing this morning. A rather worried one at that!!!

...ramblings

2004-04-11T00:58:00.000+05:30
I decided I don’t like being mad at the world, especially not for a bunch of losers like the friggin consulate employees. (God, I want to just rip her head off!) So I’ve decided I’m not going to be peeved any more!
Plus I’ve had a lot to keep me busy over the last couple of days… I guess that helped too.

What have I been up to,ye asketh?

Right oh, first off a friend’s younger brother was leaving for the U.S of A (the family has moved permanently and my friend flew last month) so I helped him arrange a small farewell party…which some how became a party of 20 plus people! ..but it was good fun, especially with the food and booze freely following… I even arranged for a surprise cake et all! Everyone had a blast – hey, with me playing hostess, it couldn’t have been otherwise, now could it!? :P

Then I went shopping for a bunch of my friends (I love shopping for OTHERS! Especially good friends) These friends aren’t from around here, so there were sooooo many things I wanted to send. Eatables, books, show pieces, clothes, you name it. I took my mum along with me, as she is good at bargaining and would know which stuff’s was of good quality. Every new thing I saw, I wanted to pick up. Thank god mum was with me, she kept reminding me that the poor chap (my friend’s bro) may not have enough space in his bags! When I got home dad took one look at my bags and went “decided to clean out your bank account eh?”

Then the next day saw me packing. Yup packing.
Nope, I haven’t got the Visa. But the chap who was leaving was my friend’s (actually more like a sis – her dad has given me strict instructions I should call him dad!) younger brother and I more or less play the role of the elder sis to him (despite him being older to me by 3 to 4 years!! he is a really sweet chap.) Later in the evening his best friend came over and we three set of to the airport to drop him where I met another bunch of his friends.

The way I currently look these days cannot be described. I mean, my looks have never been anything to write home about, but currently I couldn’t look worse if I tried! I’ve completely let myself go to seed… dunno when was the last time I waxed, shapped my eye brows, cut my hair…as for things like lip stick…my face would need to be reintroduced to anything other then soap and water!! And the amount of weight I’ve put on….oh good lord. I’m not even going there.
Despite looking the way I do, I got a compliment. It would have shocked the socks of my feet, only I wasn’t wearing any!
I’m sipping my soft drink (at the airport) I look up and find myself staring into the eyes of this chap who is looking intently at me. The chap goes “I really like you”, just like that. Outta the blue. I was hu-h? “as in?” (dumb woman I know! Instead of accepting a compliment I’m trying to quiz the chap on why he thinks I merit it!) He says “I like your nature” me “what about my nature?!” *with a very surprised/shocked tone* …now the poor chap starts fidgeting (must have probably been wonderin ‘why the hell did I ever open my trap’!) at this point someone else joined the discussion to say stuff like ‘yea, you are very helpful….” yada yada yada…
I wanted bang my head some where!
Here is a rather goodlookin, nice, if a tad bit shy, chap telling me something nice and I grill him.
Why can’t I be one of those women who would flutter their eye lashes, smile sweetly and say “oh why, thank-you!” (when I try it, I look like I’ve got something IN my eye! And the person would feel almost obligated to offer to blow into it!!) No, I’ve gotta grill the guy! Any wonder I’m totally single and footloose?

Bahhh!

Anyways, the guy in question dropped me home despite his place being next to the airport…and tried to made plans to see me again…we exchanged numbers. He has a MOTORBIKE! :)

And he called first thing this morning!

9th april….ummm, yesterday was a year since I met someone. He went on to become one of the closest friends I have ever had. Someone I trusted implicitly. Someone who told me (and showed me!) that though we were just friends, I meant more to him then anyone else. And then for no apparent reason walked out of my life. Oh sure, we started having some issues last year sept..nothing that couldn’t be worked out. Sept to Dec was a strained period. But to walk away because of it? If someone means something you stay and sort things out. You fight for the person…even if it means you fight with the person.

But he walked away.

I went from being furious to numb to really hurt to bewildered…

I couldn’t understand HOW on earth could someone write mails like this one and this one then choose to walk out.

Without even offering an explanation.

“Girl you have got to know when it time to turn the page…”

…why do i even care? He was only a friend for god sakes, eh?

Die another day grandpa

2004-04-08T01:35:00.000+05:30
Warning : I am going to rant/bitch some more today. People who don’t like ranting/usage of foul language stop here.

These people can’t seem to get the simplest things right. Even if one was willing to let go of the humongous slights and curt tone used, it is impossible to over look these “mistakes”
1. The telephone number is wrongly printed on the Consulate’s ‘official’ letter paper, conveniently.
2. The ‘official’ letter sent out to me and my mom was typed out wrongly, once again the mistake happens in my letter conveniently – i.e saying I did indeed work where I stated was supposedly wrong!
3. Oh and you want to know the best joke? On quizzing the staff at my office a very apprehensive peon/clerk came forward to admit that someone had indeed called… and asked for… get this… LEKSHMY. Who is she? Well, my MOTHER. The poor chap was worried that he had committed some grave sin by not knowing my mother’s name!

What sort of shoddy establishment are these jokers running anyway! I was applying for a VISITOR’S visa. For which my uncle was paying, everything including the ticket! I could have been a vacuous bimbo twiddling my thumbs as far as these idiots are concerned. Law, THEIR law, does not require me to be working. And they think it is reason enough to ‘reject’ the visas on these flimsy cooked up grounds?
I so wish I could claim it is their loss and not mine – unfortunately I can’t. Irony is, I am from the working class and a “non-refundable” fee of Rs.2,300 + Rs350 (towards ‘handling’) for each person (mum and me remember!?) adds up to the grand total of Rs.5,300 – is not a sum I can scoff at.
Even if a ‘mistake’ has been committed (by the way, they never commit mistakes! In their own words “it is your word against ours!”) the applicant would need to reapply and once again pay the visa fees in full.
So basically, this is a money making scam. They single out the applicants they know want to go there (and father’s memorial service is not something a person is going to miss simply because of a one time visa reject after all!) and harass them all they can.
Well, personally submitted the application for my mum today. But guess what? After spending the whole day running from pillar to post, I learn that “Friday the offices are closed on account of Good Friday (pardon me, but I cant really see what is so good about it!) Saturday and Sunday are non-working days. And as Easter happens to falls on a Sunday (can it EVER fall on any other day you brain dead imbeciles!?) we are keeping the offices closed on Monday as well. The application will get processed in 3 working days”.
Three working days for them begins only on Tuesday. And if all goes well ma should get a visa by Friday.

Oh, but wait a min, my grand dad passed away on the 12th of April, which happens to fall on Monday.

Too bad mate.

Better luck next time.

Better luck next time someone you love kicks the bucket.

Fuck it.

Fuck it all.

I am just through with them and their crappy “customer services” (they ought to rechristian it to customer screwing!)

Maybe I should get the level of melanin in my epidermis (or should that be dermis? Biology was never my strongest suit) reduced.
No wait, maybe before I consider traveling again, I should go get married to someone from the – superpower - U.S of A. let me see them ‘rejecting’ a visa to someone from the most powerful nation on earth on such ludicrous grounds.

disclaimer : almost all U.S citizens I’ve met are wonderfully nice. It is just the government that sucks.

update : I've lost my cell phone. The number 91 22 35075757 stands withdrawn. More on this later.

Want to travel…explore the world? Don’t you wish!

2004-04-05T21:21:00.000+05:30
The injustice and down right stupidity of it all beggars description! Man, I’m a postgraduate with a steady job and my family for as many centuries as can be traced has had nothing to do with any sort of terrorist activities.
My grandfather passed away a couple of years ago in April and my grandmother is in Australia currently. Which is why she wanted all her children/grandchildren to come there for a memorial service. You think this might be a valid enough to visit a country. Nope. You are dead wrong.
At least in the eyes of the Australian consulate – whose employees are a bunch of brain dead, mean spirited shrews!
I had heard horror stories before from people regarding getting visas but didn’t really put any stock in it. I hold a decent job, I had supplied a letter from my boss clearly stating I worked there and would be resuming my duties in a month’s time. My uncle had sent his bank statement and other assortment of documents ‘requested’ by them. I had even submitted a photocopy of my credit card (why the fuck do they want that anyway?!?). So everyone presumed mum and me would be boarding a flight Australia bound come 9th of April.

Wrong.

No one accounted for ridiculous procedures and LIES. Yes lies.
Both mom’s and my visa have been rejected and each of us got a letter stating the reason.

Under Reason for Visa Refusal (dated 2nd April)

Mine says and I quote

This section details the requirement you did not meet.

You did not satisfy Subclause 676.221(2)(c), which reads that:

The applicant satisfies the Minister that the expressed intention of the applicant only to visit Australia is genuine.

You have applied for a short stay tourist visa for Australia.

In support of her application, you have provided employment letter from Shri Dinesh Roadlines. Checks conducted by the visa office reveal that you work at this place.
(yes, blatant disregard for basic grammar. “her application” “you work” all goes!!!)

I have carefully considered all this information, and based on your current personal circumstances I am not satisfied that your expressed intention in visiting Australia for a business visit is genuine and that you will not seek to remain, change your visa, work or overstay in Australia. Accordingly, your application is refused under Migration Regulation 676.221(2) (c)

And now my mum’s and again I QUOTE :

This section details the requirement you did not meet.

You did not satisfy Subclause 676.221(2)(c), which reads that:

The applicant satisfies the Minister that the expressed intention of the applicant only to visit Australia is genuine.

You have applied for a short stay tourist visa for Australia.

In support of her application, your daughter has provided employment letter from Shri Dinesh Roadlines. Checks conducted by the visa office reveal that she does not work at this place.

I have carefully considered all this information, and based on your current personal circumstances I am not satisfied that your expressed intention in visiting Australia for a business visit is genuine and that you will not seek to remain, change your visa, work or overstay in Australia. Accordingly, your application is refused under Migration Regulation 676.221(2) (c).

Firstly, how the fuck does it matter where I work or even if I work, for my mother to visit her brother?!
Secondly, business visit? Whose business? What the heck are these assh***s talking about? Obviously someone forgot to recruit ENGLISH literature people at the esteemed Australian consulate! I had stated, “I wish to visit Australia to attend my grandfathers memorial service”! But obviously trivial issues such as HARD FACTS have no bearing on their decision.
And settle there? In a country which was no better then a dumping ground for British criminals? Sure mate!

You cannot, and I mean CANNOT, speak with a human being if you call the consulate on the number printed (which has one digit wrongly printed! – intentional misrepresentation of the number with a view to mislead? I sooo friggin want to use that line on someone. Unfortunately I don’t have the financial muscle to take on the Australian consulate.) Even if one is smart enough to get the number sorted out, one has to dial the number and is forced to play the hugely popular IVR game. Randomly dialing all sorts of stupid numbers, which do nothing, other, then help you lose you mind. Slowly. God, how inefficient can an office be! After stretching my patience to the limit the gods of the IVR game decided to take mercy on me and I was allowed to speaking with a condescending, patronizing bitch. She tells me she is the manager, so I give her my passport number and tell her the story. She tells me, ya, your application was rejected because you don’t work!! Hello, I was sacked and neither my boss nor I have any, and I mean ANY, knowledge of the fact!? She won’t reveal whom the office spoke with on their ‘numerous checks’. She was bloody insufferable. And she isn’t even an Australian!
Finally managed to pry a ‘supervisors’ extension number.
But obviously the supervisor is not working today. And why should she?! Its only Monday after all. And she has only had Saturday and Sunday off. And the consulate only works from 9 in the morning to 5 in the evening. She must have suffered a bout of manic Mondays.

Maybe her Visa should be rejected based on the fact that I checked and she doesn’t work!!!

This is just fucking WRONG.

And what is even worse is, I can't do a fuckin thing about it!!!

Cyber land!

2004-04-03T01:45:00.000+05:30

Internet… isn’t it an absolute miracle how people a whole world apart, meet and connect? Here for once it actually doesn’t matter whether you are fat or thin, tall or short, or have bad breath or have fizzy hair, a gazillion zits… none of it matters. Caste, creed, language, even "biggies" like religion / nationality do not play a role. You are liked based on your thoughts. Just that. Nothing more, nothing less.
You could have gone to the most prestigious schools or you could have stayed at home and ‘self taught’ yourself. The only badge one needs to support is of similar interests. No strike that. Not even that. Just like-mindedness. One doesn’t necessarily have the same interest…so long as the other person’s interest is something one likes…something one wants to know more about.
Here kings and paupers are in the same echelon. Your fat bank balance is not going to help, except maybe to support sky-high telephone bills! Being a college stud or the most sought after girl in univ is not going to help you make friends here. You’ve got to do it on the steam of your intellect (or in my case, what passes for it!)
I remember when I initially started using the Internet it was a case of needs must. One of my closest friends was transferring from my college to Ozzie land. During one of our conversations on wondering how we’d cope, he said we’d stay in touch using the Internet. This to me presented a huge problem. I didn’t even have an e-mail address at the time (Feb 1999)!
Well, go he did. And learn to use the Internet, I did! Originally when I started using this medium I was totally convinced the only reason one would have to resort to ‘making friends over the net’ is because one was unable to make friends in real life. I didn’t dislike the people who did, mind you…just felt sorta sorry for them.
Five years down the line and I know how wrong I was. I’ve met and made some good friends using this medium. I’ve even seen people fall in love in our enchanted cyber land (check this out). And these love stories last more often then not. (Unless one of the parties is a really shallow human being and after meeting decides, oops she is too short. Or the female decides whoops! He is too dark!! – unfortunately real stories.) Or…or one of the sides has lied.
Here honesty is key. Not that in other mediums of contact it is not. Just here there is no body language one can read. No eye contact is afforded. Here one cannot catch any changes in voice. Nothing. Only the black words appearing in your inbox. The instant messenger telling you “She says”. Oh a few variations of smiles have come now, but I don’t honestly think I really wink like the msn messenger makes me look!
But if both parties are truly honest, I think this is a really good meeting ground.

Guess this line "I was born with a great need for affection and an even greater need to give it" - Audrey Hepburn – says it best. ( taken from Nick’s blog) In this century more then any other, it is difficult to meet people and shower our affection. The Internet makes this possible…from the comfort of your own home (I sound like an ad now! :-S). Me sitting at my desk in unknown Thane can connect with an entire group of amazingly loving and interesting people in Salt Lake City, be adored by a wonderful girl in Chile. Find a confidant in Utah. Become best friends with someone in Goa. Have someone from England think I am a witty person. Heck, have a Pakistani friend!
All in all Internet rocks…because like-minded people are not always geographically close by!:)

Do check out this blog.

Much ado about nothing!!!

2004-04-02T04:08:00.000+05:30

Leafed through the above mentioned book today…realised if, and right about now the if feels like a really biiiiggggggg IF, if I ever fall in love, my “love story” will be very akin to Beatrice & Benedick’s - nooo, I am not going to need any Prince, or even people like Hero & Claudio (are the names correct I wonder?) to “set me up” (though it might be fun) ...what I originally wanted to say in the start of this long winded rambling is… something about the witty repartee… plenty of verbal/mental stimulation (bordering on sparring!)…I neeedddd a lot of that in my relationship!

…diary writing… how long have I maintained a diary? Well actually the offline version has been maintained on and off for years… ever since I read Diary of a young girl – Anne Frank. I even ‘named’ my diary Kitty. Not every original eh? I was 10, what do u expect! Well, then I grew up and changed the name. To Jane. Hey, I was 13 (yes, I thought I was grown up!) Over the years I stopped naming my diaries. They became vents. Vents for my thoughts. A place to scream my head off in silent frustration. A rock solid ‘support’. My diary would love me no matter what. I could be lazy, get bad grades, put on weight, whatever… I’d still be “ok” to my diary. Sounds crazy? Wellllll…. I have admitted I’m crazy remember? Anyways, people who are INSANE are the ones who are in the sane group, get it?!

I’d really like to thank all of you for being so supportive of my floundering attempts at airing my thoughts (with numerous typos!). All your comments are much appreciated. Thank you all for commenting! Without the comments I would have felt like a performing seal. One, no one is watching at that! I've finally replied to the comments of the last 3 or 4 posts, do look them up.
I’m a humble person…probably cause I have much to be humble about! ;)

Please visit a couple of blogs I’d like to recommed. She really writes really well. A definite must read. And a pal of mine Duncan, has finally started his own blog after much prodding from me, do visit!

Finally our lil Matt.... (and lil hugo too!) was writing bout dreams, and it reminded me of one of my all time favourite songs, so I’ll leave you with it for now…

(All I Have To Do Is) Dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and your charms
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream
Dream dream dream
When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream
I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away
I need you so I could die
I love you so that is why
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream
Dream dream dream

Written By: Boudleaux Bryant

* My friend is no longer "late"! _YAY_

..trying times

2004-03-31T01:54:00.000+05:30

Just finished a marathon conversation with one of my best friends. She got married last year November and I was the ‘brides maid’. We are as close as sisters. And now she is late. It has been less then 6 months since her wedding and she is late. I didn’t know what to say. She had just begun to live her life the way she wanted..just begun to explore her career options, her husband (‘love marriage’) herself. And now this! Oh its not confirmed news yet, we’ll have the results by tomorrow...*fingers crossed*. I don’t believe in abortions but ...she is only 24 for god sakes!!

Got mail from a friend…one who has been more like a kid to me always.. he is sleeping with someone but is totally not involved in the romantic sense. No wait. Correction, he is sleeping with TWO women, and he has no romantic feelings for either. My lil kid all grown up. Who is this guy? This is off the wall. I live in India where this sorta thing is not common place, yet. I mean guys get married at 30 being a ‘virgin’. I’m all for exploring oneself..and have nothing against premarital…just that he has just gotten out of a serious relationship and I hope he is not doing any of this because he is not ‘burned’ off commitment…I know him, it would kill him to hurt anyone…especially the women he is ‘involved’ with. I hope no one gets hurt…

Me? …how come this blog is ‘my blog’ and deals so rarely with me? Wellllll.. loads of reasons. This is something I thought most people didn’t notice…infact I know most people don’t even realize it..just that a person I recently got acquainted to made this comment bout my blog..and it threw me off kilter. I know this to be a fact, lets see if in the coming months (years?) I’m able to reveal…be myself here. Atleast here.

This man’s comments to my posts always make me think. Not that other’s comments don’t inspire thought...just that this guy seems to have the knack of hitting home. Zeroing in on something I may not be comfortable facing. Even ready to face.. his comments about lawyers which carried on to his views about profession…so akin to my views bout what one should do to earn one’s livelihood. His cutting through the chaff and seeing though I’d mentioned I wanted some me time, I took off..to be with ‘others’.

Life is weird that way. People can know you your whole life, but they don’t really know much more then ‘about you’..where as someone who is a complete stranger can ‘know’ you with just a few meetings/conversations. I met someone a long time ago who was like that. He knew me without my having to tell him about myself. He would just magically know. He was quite possibly one of the best friends anyone could ever have. We were just that, friends. Never anything more. And as far I knew he never wanted more. Until he just ‘disappeared’ from my life.

I may crack but I'll never shatter
I may crack but it doesn't matter
I may crack but I'll never shatter
I may crack but I'll never shatter
Cuz I still have a secret
In the dark I keep it close
I still have a secret no one knows
I may crack but I'll never shatter

Taken from the song Shatter by Meredith Brooks

Life is weird that way.

Run away if you wanna survive…

2004-03-30T01:15:00.000+05:30

(Caution : dry reading ahead. Please stop here if you hate rambling nonsense, which goes absolutely nowhere.)

I do so “get” that song sometimes. So I did just that.

Ran away.

Oh no, not in a “I’m running away from home” sorta run away.

It is just that I’ve not had any ‘me’ time in a long, long, LONG while… so this weekend I just took off.

Saturday morning saw with me feeling real lazy, so I thought I’d catch up on some sleep and quit supporting the horror show look – thanks to under eye blackness. This whole new job whistle trying to figure out which direction I want my career to head has not been easy. That coupled with most of my close friends getting hitched or almost there (with me playing the agony aunt as usual!), while there is noooo hope for me, not even in the distant horizon, has a.. well, not a very nice effect.

Then I spoke to this very like-minded cousin of mine with whom I had loosely made plans for the weekend but as we hadn’t spoken over the week, assumed were off. She left genuinely bad for forgetting to call me and tried persuading me to hop on a bus and come right away. I was being difficult when her pal jumped in a cajoled me into coming. Have got to say, am yet to meet anyone quite that tenacious!

Well the place I was to go to was Pune..which is a good 3 to 4 hours away from Bombay. Hadn’t asked my dad whether I could go in advance so he was giving me the third degree. By the time I finally got outta my place it was past 6.30…reached the place where I could get a bus/cab from at 7!…unfortunately there was no one else who wanted to share a cab (they have a system that they take 4 ‘seats’ and divide the cab fare between the people) so I figured I would have to spend the day doing nothing at home after all…my darling cuz calls at 8 to find out where I am, just when I am about to turn back. I update her about the situation and tell her that I’m going back home..she goes “no way!” tells me to take a ‘full cab’ and she’d pay for it..her treat… I am wondering why either one of us is even contemplating this at 8 in the night! Firstly, it would be a colossal waste of moolah! Secondly, it was going to be 11 at the least by the time I reached! But…well.. I went :)

I met her outside Le Meridian and we went straight to the disc. Had been a while since I went to a disc so I thoroughly enjoyed myself (usually abhor discy typo place – too much smoke for my liking not to mention arbit men ‘bumping’ into you accidentally) She is a fabulous dancer and is an inspiration to all around her. The vodka shots helped too I guess!! I had a fabulous time. We eventually made our way back to the company guesthouse in the wee hours of the morning (she is a C.A and has gone there for an audit)
We sat up late into the night, no, morning bitching about men. Coming up with all sorts of theories about why all men we meet are such absolute wastes. Why it is impossible to have a relationship with any one of them! Then we saw Pretty woman and decided there outta be law. There oughta be a law that a woman shouldn’t look as beautiful as Julia Roberts does in that movie. We wanted to know why we didn’t have Richard Geres climbing up our balconies? Guess meeting men off Hollywood boulevard might help.
Got up really late on Sunday, the day I was supposed to get back to my city. We cooked up a storm for lunch, with different cuisines...panner tikka masala & rasam I now realize are a deadly combination! Felt like an over stuffed python so we made our way back to bed for an afternoon siesta! Reluctantly got up in the evening...when my cousin and her buddy decided to convince me to stay another night!! (that man’s middle name ought to be TENACIOUS!) I knew I had work Monday morning..and dad was going to give me hell for it..then again, its not everyday that I get outta the city...so I stayed. (it meant I would have to get up at 5 am, leave by 6:30 & go straight to work, I stayed!)

And thus began another round of male bashing. For all you guys who wonder what we women talk about during pajama parties, we don’t talk. We just get down to some solid bitching. Oh it doesn’t begin with the intention of bitching. It usually starts out with recounting some incident…some bitter sweet memory.. which triggers of a million unanswered questions. After which yet another stab is made at trying to figure out WHY things didn’t work out, figuring out how a guy’s mind works. Resulting in churning up past anguish. THEN the male bashing begins!

The stories that are most upsetting are not ones where a relationship was attempted and consequently failed. It’s the ones where one doesn’t have a clue what in the blue blazes happened. One second the guy is hinting he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and the next has taken off, forever, without so much as a goodbye.

Where he says “I dunno whether you good for me or bad for me...but you are the only one for me”

It must have been love, but its over now...

Runaway Bride!!!

2004-03-27T15:17:00.000+05:30

(The weekend is here! YAY!! Am in a rather lazy mood plus have some mailing to catch up on so I am going to leave you with something I wrote to a friend yeaarrrrssss ago, four years actually, which unfortunately still holds true about me)

This a personal mail.. as in its written by me though it was sent to everyone on the list... hope it still qualifies as personal mail?

Happy reading folks!

pramila.

Hi there people!
So, didja just see the movie? (look at the TITLE folks!)...I’ve seen the movie before but star movies showed it a lil while ago... ummm some movie...have seen it before too… and love it each time I see it.... y? ..well ..*sheepish look*...probably 'cause I can identify a teensy weensy bit with it... no no Oh no! I do NOT leave men standin at the alter (as if I cud even drum up even one single solitary guy to want to go up there in the 1st place!) ;o).... i mean maybe I’m just as scared of commitment as 'Maggie' is...though thankfully (n LUCKILY) i don't have to live with the thought of having lost out one my 'one true' love (my best friend’s wedding is a movie that haunts me!!) ... but I guess that is the reason why when I meet a guy, especially n “interesting” guy, I try n din it into his head "we r just _PLATONIC_ friends".....without giving either party a chance to get to know each other better... ummmm, this has been pointed out to me... quite a few times... am workin on it...
whokay, enough about moi! :o)
Don'tchya think the proposal "I guarantee it won't be easy. i guarantee that at one point or another, one of us, or both of us, is going to want to leave. But I also guarantee that if i don't ask u to be mine I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life, because i know in my heart u r the only one for me" is not only the MOST honest proposal.....but also the mostest romantic one..ever?
My parting shot....there are too many things mediocre in life, love shouldn't have to be one of them, wot say you?
p.s: one word of advise before I say good night... "find yourself..... before u set out to find your 'someone' " ... a confused person cannot make him/her self happy .... let alone anyone else.... :o) goodnight ladies n gentlemen, may u find the love of your life.. and have the sense to RECOGNISE it!

(The below is the then reply of a friend – actuality.log – thanks to whose reply I had the above mail!)

wow.. really.. u write beautifully :).
my umm mails r just i dont really know the word.. like some scrap paper in comparison. i do mean well but _NO WAY_ can i ever put something across like that.
and .. what u've said makes perfect sense. and finally .. "may u find the love of ur life.. n have the sense to
RECOGNISE it!".. i hope so too :).
ps . initially, i wuz like.. _HOW_ can a "personal" mail be typed for one person n sent to somebody else.. but that changed after the first few lines.
and .. i will really treasure this.. its beautiful.. sniff sniff.

Courtroom drama, Blog layout & Victory!

2004-03-25T22:21:00.000+05:30

This blog is going to cover 3 topics (you didn’t really think the words that made up the title were in anyway connected didja!?)
Bombay High court was paid a visit by yours truly yesterday. No no! Don’t worry..wasn’t hauled into court for a misdemeanor. Merely went there ‘in lieu’ of my boss’s friend. The person had purchased some land in an auction and all sorts of complications had resulted…and as the friend didn’t want to fly into town for the first hearing, we went in his stead.
Quite amusing the whole incident was! Many of you may not know this, but many moons ago I wanted to become a lawyer – my not clearing the NILSU exam (a VERY tough exam – over 50,000 take it and only 80 clear. Many take it twice, some even thrice) post my 12th standard put paid to that dream – but some embers of the long ago dreams still burn bright..the court room visit was an eye opener of sorts..
The Indian legal system & courtrooms are much maligned and the judges widely criticized for their delayed verdicts. Nothing of the sort was in evidence at yesterday’s court. A Mr.Despande was holding court, and must say he did it rather well. He told lawyers things like “Ever since I’ve had the misfortune of setting eyes on you, you have done nothing but lie! Everything you say must therefore be taken with a pinch of salt!” the clueless lawyer says “Yes your honour!” god!! I could barely stop myself from laughing out aloud! REALLY loud! Very swift in delivering his verdicts, he was.
…with judges like this chappie…wonder if the legal profession deserves to be looked at once again..
In other news, as is visible – a lot of changes have been made to my blog’s layout. Most of you have been really helpful, but I need to specially thank a few people.Adorably green tops the list for being prompt in sending me a detailed mail about how to set up my links… but being dumb as I am, I needed princess Zia to actually do most of the spade work for me! Thank you!! :) ….and then bring up the rear was the wonderful El loco lucho who decided to go a few steps further and incorporate things like an ‘about me’ etc in the side bar…under his and princess Zia’s tutelage I seem to have gotten myself a pretty ok side bar (phew, that’s beginning to sound decidedly like an ‘award’ winner’s speech, so I better put a cork in it! As one of my much liked critics told me today
! says: the workplace rantings were ok (your boss may not see it)
! says: but the 'thought pieces' are dead boring
! says: you write too much
! says: cut it down, make it trimmer and neater
! says: you aren't James Joyce, stream-of-consciousness doesn't work
about my last blog!)
And finally – victory!!!! The men in blue, went, saw, defeated! No, bested!! No wait, I’ve got it vanquished!! We vanquished the lil green men – no not mars silly, paki cricket team!! YAY!
(The above is to be in no way construed as my harbouring any dislike for Pakistan, as a people – just love kicking their ass at cricket!!)

Will leave you with….
(Incident described in "From the Pavilion End" by Harold "Dickie" Bird)
"Bomber" Wells, a spin bowler and great character, played for Glocuestershire and Nottinghamshire. He used to bat at No.11 since one couldn't bat any lower. Of him, they used to paraphrase Compton's famous words describing an equally inept runner; "When he shouts 'YES' for a run, it is merely the basis for further negotiations!"
Incidentally, Compton was no better. John Warr said, of Compton "He was the only person who would call you for a run and wish you luck at the same time."
Anyway, when Wells played for Gloucs, he had an equally horrendous runner as the No.10. During a county match, horror of horrors.......both got injured. Both opted for runners when it was their turn to bat. Bomber played a ball on the off, called for a run, forgot he had a runner and ran himself. Ditto at the other end. In the melee, someone decided that a second run was on. Now we had all four running. Due to the confusion and constant shouts of "YES" "NO", eventually, all of them ran to the same end. Note - at this point in time, the entire ground is rolling on the floor laughing their behinds out. One of the fielders - brave lad - stops laughing for a minute, picks the ball and throws down the wicket at the other end.
Umpire Alec Skelding looks very seriously at the four and calmly informs them "One of you buggers is out. I don't know which. You decide and inform the bloody scorers!”

Prisoners of our own device?

2004-03-24T02:22:00.000+05:30

How many of us give ourselves the freedom to _FEEL_?
Our every single feeling is dissected. And micro analyzed. People demand logical explanations for whatever we feel. Forget others, we, need logical explanations for our self's. The minute we feel an emotion, we instantaneously demand to know where it stems from. Why do we feel the way we do. (As if checking the feelings credentials is the first order of business) Is it rational? Are we “okay” about feeling the way we do? Is it accepted to feel the way one does? Would one be comfortable with acknowledging what one feels in front of others? What would others think about us for feeling the way we feel?
See what are doing to ourselves? We scrutinize, analyze to death, our own feelings. We rarely truly ever “feel” anything any more. Only what we accept we label “feelings”.
The world doesn’t give you the freedom to feel, your best friend doesn’t give you the freedom to feel, your parent/sibling don’t give you the freedom to feel. Hell, your lover doesn’t give you the freedom to feel.
And its not because they don’t love you. The probably do. A lot.
Its just their (our!) conditioning. Ever notice how the second someone says, “I’m feeling sad” everyone wants to know “Why?? What happened?”
What does this exhibit? Concern? Fair enough. It definitely shows concern. It also displays our innate need to rationalize. Instead of giving the poor sod who has had a bad day or week (or month or year!) a hug we first want to know what caused the feeling – and I am as guilty of this as the next person.
“Pramila, I am feeling miserable!” “Why!? What happened?” It’s a knee jerk reaction. We don’t even think about it any more.
And this doesn’t just hold true for something sad. The same applies when someone is happy!
Unfortunately, I don’t think this is something that will change anytime soon. Though what we can change is this – allow our self's to feel. Don’t beat yourself up over feeling something. “God, she left me, why am I still missing her.” – is getting the answer (if indeed there is one to begin with) going to help matters any? Seriously, you miss him/her. Shouldn’t that be the focal point? Won’t letting feelings run their natural course speed up the recovery process?
“Gosh, I like being around him so much! Why do I like having him around so much?” okayyy, so you like being around him. How bad can it really be? Shouldn’t you be enjoying your time with him/her instead of investigating your feelings as if they have to make sense or else you won’t accept them? “Me jealous? We are not “together”, so why should I feel jealous? I’m not feeling jealous!!” How many of us are guilty of abandoning our feelings because they didn’t add up according to us? Cooking ourselves into a fine stew because we kept wondering why something felt the way it did?
Trust me on this, if on nothing else. It is okay to feel.
Feel.
Go ahead and feel. Gift yourself the power..no the freedom to feel.
And you know what? It is perfectly acceptable even if it doesn’t make any sense.
It doesn’t have to.

* This bit is being added as a sort of reply to comments :
I am NOT asking anyone to eschew 'dissection' of their/other's feelings. I understand & accept it as part of a human being mental make up. More over, I of all people CANNOT ever ask this, have been accused of "micro analyzing" my feelings at least a gazillion times.
All I am asking of you, of myself, is to not abandon our feelings on the grounds that they do not make 'sense'. Just because we cannot rationalise something doesn't mean its not good enough to exist...

Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity

2004-03-23T11:30:00.001+05:30

Didn't understand the title? Look up a previous blog, the GRE one :) That ought to have been the title for my last two blogs... didn't remember it then, or I'd have used it.
Wanted to learn how to create "links" on my site, so I went to the template section of my blog, armed with this helpful dude's mail... But try as I might I couldn't find what I wanted to! :| But I DID find something else... Reading through all the nonsensical HMTL mumbo jumbo (well, at least it was for me!) I saw the font style and size mentioned... something I've wanted to change that for a while now, so I did! Tell me what you think of the 'new look' :)
Also, I've tried to add a mood. But I don't think I've managed to get it to work the way I wanted it to. I wanted a mood to show up for each day. Its from this site...really cute methinks! Now if now I could figure out a way to get it to actually work for me!! If one of you gets how to do it, please let me know!

For the ones who have already read/commented (current count = 4) I'm sorry but : this is one site you must visit!!

* Discovered this magical spell check button to check my post for spelling mistakes...but I don't know how reliable the darn thing is considering it thought the first order of business was to tell me Pulchritude is not a word in the English language. Made me wonder whether I've spelt it wrong (do that way tooo often), so I attempted making it Pulchtritude. And it wanted to replace that with Blusteringly!! If one needs to check spellings I suggest, strongly, that one stick to sites like this one.
Ultimate irony? The spell check does not recognise the word - blog.