...ramblings of a crazy mind
Friday, February 14, 2014
slow death
have you ever had something you care deeply about go through a slow painful deterioration...or even death? a relationship?

human emotions are just as 'alive' as human beings I've realized. 

why do we allow for slow painful deterioration rather than the tried a tested method of a 'clean break'? Is it because we foolishly hold out hope? What is it about us that doesn't let us 'give up' and 'throw in the towel' though something might be painful? 

The human condition is largely reliant on hope I guess. Why then have we not figured out how to stop feeling pain or at the very least come up with some coping strategies? 

How does one give up expectations? If someone says 30 mins and you see hide nor hair for 90, should the person not explain? What is "too much" 3 hours? 9? 24 hours? At what point is it okay to make "not keeping time commitments" an issue? How many occurrences  before creating a stink? 

What about breaking one's word? What if the word is broken so many times that it no longer has any semblance of seriousness? What if you take the person's word way more seriously than he does? 

Crutches : 
Alcohol is one. The past, and people who belong there are too. One is an obvious one and so it is easier to see / point out. My crutches are people from my past, who still can make me feel important, special...beautiful. Those ships have however sailed...and I chose not to get on them. Why does the past look so much nicer when we look back?

K and I have history. A whole hellava lot of it - 14 years worth in fact. We met, he fell in love, almost immediately - within days (not even months) and tried to peruse it and get me to say yes for a long LONG time. Originally I wasn't ready and when I began considering it in earnest, silliness got in the way. He got involved with someone else (is now married and has an adorable kid) but I know I still have a 'special' place in his life. Whenever he has a 'new triumph' at work he wants to first share it with me, wants to make me 'proud'... he still has carnal feelings for me.... gets jealous over me though he is normally a very 'non-jealous' typo guy (never getting possessive/jealous over the woman he married!). I for obvious reasons avoid him for the most part. As does he - in the physical world (he feels he won't be able to 'control' himself). A few months ago we had a frank heart to heart, he came clean, said while it was a pity it was too late for an 'us' there would be a part of him that would always be "in love" with me and he was tired of fighting it and has made peace with it. While I would like to believe I'm not a petty person, I have to admit this felt good. I wasn't fungible, at least to him. I wasn't forgettable... I made a mark... I mattered. And to him, in his eyes I was beautiful. Truly truly desirable and attractive.
So when I run into problems, when I am having arguments / fights with Mr.RightNow I am on occasion tempted to turn to the comfort of the past. What doesn't help is Mr.RightNow (or Mr.Right?) doesn't even know I have these insecurities, that I truly don't feel attractive. That I need validation - he sees the outter crust, a very confident sassy woman, he met _once_ (well he claims he saw me twice) and didn't have a conversation with at that and was attracted to an image he had seen even before that! Try as I might am unable to get him to see past the external and understand the woman inside, or at least that is how it feels. Long conversations are not for him, putting them off for the real world. 

Now the immovable of the real world, him coming to airport to pick me up, has moved. 

A lot of this angst has to do with being in the bay area suburbia and him being.... well a viable option. Felt like everyone had a pair and would be getting on Noah's Arc...and I would be sitting by. I don't even effing like ships!! 
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