...ramblings of a crazy mind
Sunday, August 22, 2004
why me?
Why me?....Why me???

A question that has plagued best of us from time to time no doubt. But I for one have always hated the question. Serves no purpose….other then to make one feel more shitty then one is already feeling.

One week..i’ve been back in my home town for an entire week today, with easy/good internet access.… while I was away I thought I’d become a regular blogger once I was back..that I’d fill you guys in on the most mundane events of my life…where I went… whom I met…what they said…what sort of people populate my office space et all…

…for example I meant to tell you guys I met the disappearing dude (refer to 11th april entry)…and had the most amazing 3 hours. So amazing that I was forced to wonder why on earth weren’t we best friends still.over 3 hours of being with someone where words were redundant at most times…I just knew what he was thinking/feeling with him having to only look at me…and vise versa.. our connection very much intact..he told me he was sorry for the way he behaved…and then…and THEN ..said goodbye. Not the goodbye, the evening is over, see ya later kinda goodbye…the goodbye..we will never meet again variety of goodbye.why? well, he doesn’t know, I sure as hell haven’t a clue…best way to phrase it would be he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me i guess.
Last time I had a regret that I had never, not once, told him he was important to me. important in the sense of – I’m not ok with you walking out of my life…I depend on u too.
This time I almost begged him to meet me for a second time…to get to know the pramila of today…to see if things weren’t so roller coasterish this time around.to only have him say, thanks…but no thanks.
maybe if I was 30 kilos lighter things would have been different.

…or for example that I met the “friends”….all six of them were delightful…but I’m a wee bit more partial to phoebe. I have always known/liked joey best. …that they were the ones who introduced me to U.S pizza…spinz…club x…midnight vodka…12 o’clock breakfast….

I wanted to mention I met Nidhi from the blog world for a rushed lunch at Ebony. On the thirteenth floor of a building…affording one of the best views of banglore…the city looks amazing from that height – not that it doesn’t look good from close by!

I meant to tell you I am for even indebted to Yesha for helping me get shoes that fit amazingly well…from India! (my sis used to have to send me shoes from the states!) that woman has amazing sense of direction too!..she was in banglore for about a month and nearly knows the city in and out!!

I soooo wanted to recount that I met the ex-girl friend of a pal…of the chap I refer to as my kid..one of the main reasons – if not the only reason – of their breaking up was that she used to be very jealous of me…she thought he was in love with me…and then when he finally convinced her that he wasn’t…she argued he was way toooo dependent on me. n now…when she has finally gotten to know me…and like me, he had already decided to part ways..actually she came to me only when there was trouble…requesting me to help her get him back….but that was 6 months ago…n now he is with someone else…someone he loves a lot…
But now…NOW she is close to me….the irony of life. Today the woman who she considered a rival..a threat to her relationship is the one she considers as one of her closest friends. If only…if only she had tried to get to know me then….

I wanted to tell you about Ashwini and Lance…the couple who oscillate between the extremes of being the bestest friends one could have to times when I wanna bean ‘em one! ;oP

To tell you I have crazy friends like Namith who don’t like to allow me – a 24 year old – traveling in ricks alone in a new city!who would come n pick me up and fuss over me like I was made of china (psssstttttttttt, won’t say it didn’t feel amazing!) ;o)

Hey, also wanted to tell ya I stood first in my batch for the proficiency test! (I know I know… not terribly modest eh? but hey, there were 16 engineers amongst the batch of 50…and I still managed to top it – without EVER studying!)…(n NOOO it wasn’t sheer luck and this doesn’t say anything about my colleagues intellect levels, hrumph)

….but no. I could never tell you any of this. Why? Cause the very day I came back the hospital rounds began. Dad’s Scan results showed presence of a growth. or lession as the medical world calls it.
And now the reports are in. positive. He has cancer. Cancer.
Will know tomorrow whether it can be operated on.

Why me? why is it always me against…why can it never, ever be a WE against the …
Oh,of course I have my darling sister.she is being even MORE amazing then usual…and normally itself she is beyond wonderful..but …but, she has bala…my too-good-to-be-true brother in law…he is so terrific I don’t even refer to him as my b-i-l/jiju (hindi word for brother in law)…the acronym for him is JDB…my JDB..jiju+daddy+brother…all three rolled into one.
And my family, both sides – dad’s as well as mom’s are out in full strength to support this time…so for the very first time I am not doing the hospital rounds alone..infact also for the first time dad has been taken to the hospital without me.maybe that’s why. Maybe that’s why I am feeling like this..am not totally consumed with hospital visits,arranging the next appointment,giving dad his medicine doses,making sure he doesn’t go any where near a smoke..never before during a crisis have I ever had the time to think…to miss him. (or that’s what I am telling myself.don’t want to face up to the fact that this situation is way more serious then any before)
But I dooo wish I had someone to hug me…to tell me that everything is going to be ok. To whom I was numero uno on a priority list.who would hate seeing tears in my eyes (not that I am much of a crier..in my sister’s words I am a bottler amongst other things!)..someone whose shoulders were primarily reserved for me. someone who would take my place to escort dad to the doc’s when I can’t get out of work. Someone who would tell me that I’m not a terrible daughter for having been in another city when dad’s stomach pains began..because of which the CAT-Scan got delayed…because of which VITAL time was lost.. because of whom…because of whom dad might have…might have developed cancer.

Why me?
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