From N

Firstly apologies for not replying earlier.

Ridiculous as it may sound what you really need is YOU. - to pull yourself up and get about doing what you have to do - Irrespective of the love or hurt people cause you
It is you who has to finally sit in front of your books and study.
It is you who has to reach a position where you can be independent and free.
It is you who can get yourself to stand on your own two feet
It is you who has to get back your self respect which once you held so dear
AND it is only YOU who can make all this possible...YOU

What you need is the pramila who lived a few years back. Who has temporarily gone into hiding waiting for when you really really need her to come out.

Like you said, no replacements and definitely no doubles (and i am not talking weight here)

This is your first priority!!

One step at a time i know - I have no idea what happened between you and akka, but remember people will respect you when you respect yourself! And the effort you are trying to get us to be friends again - have you put in 100 times as much in sorting out your relationship with her? (Yup thats how important she is in your life and vice versa - blood is thicker than water) Only then can you say that things are not as they were. Coz trust me, She is the one who has been and will be through thick and thin with you. Always.

Much as i'd like to feel important, (and i did feel nice reading your mail), I AM NOT!! I am at best someone who can give a helping nudge to get you started - to get you back on track!!

There is a huge reserve of strength, determination & energy deep within you. Much much more than even I could possibly have...USE IT.

So that when you die and meet god, you can truthfully tell him " I am completely used up, empty. All the talent that you had given me, i utilized" (sorry this became a little philosophical, but had read it somewhere and quite liked it)

I will try and help you along (though i have a feeling that there will be enough and more self motivation), but it is you who has to walk the path.

You take care now. Hope the studies are coming along fine (i have always seen that daily and weekly targets help). Maybe even hourly. Set simple targets initially and once you achieve them, you'll feel good about it!!

Tada
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my reply

Luckily i have begun, studying that is.

Have ploughed through princeton gmat review - 3/4 of it, the other 1/4 will hopefully be tackled then. Before this weekend i should probably take a diagnostic test.

The Pramila who lived a few years back... for most part, exists. Maybe even all of her does exist - just that the naive ..truly and fully, soul deep... kinda happiness shinning on the surface is in the deep freeze.

About akka - N, I would have thought you at the least, knew me well enough in this respect. Firstly, my relationship with her is not under question! She did or didn't do some stuff a while ago - because of which my faith was shaken. However, she is family. More over she is Akka. Meaning i won't even give up, wash my hands off. Have tried sorting out till i a blue in the face but short of going back in time and undoing all that happened neither i nor she knows how to fix it. Its because i love her the way that i do that we are, and always will be, together.

I am sufficiently motivated to know that i will give it a darn good shot. Will try and make it my best one.

Targets are a good idea - i shall make use of them in my study plan. The sense of self achieved on completion of targets, even if they are small, is a good thing!

Your concern about my education is indeed touching.

me
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his reply

Glad on 2 counts

..one that you are studying seriously and have progress to show for it!! (generally a natural outcome...)

...second on your strong explanation about you & Akka. Coz if you aren't giving up on Akka why the @$%# were you earlier planning to give up on yourself!!

Hope the California Heat wave too helps in the thawing process!!

Take care & Study Hard
N