...though, she is so out of practice, she is beyond rusty :)
However after months I find myself with the urge to write... to express...to share....and to rant.
This post is linked to this post from a longgg while ago, a little bit.
Well, considering I am single at 30 and have avoided the noose of commitment rather successfully for so long (despite being a die-hard romantic) guess there was still some "Maggie" left in me...though I was 'in love with the idea of love' I'm not altogether sure I was ready to "settle down". I'm not entirely sure I am even now, but believe it is more a function of _who_ the person is rather than how old you are.
That and, there are far too many things mediocre in life, love shouldn't have to be one of them.
An old memory teases from the recesses of my mind. A forgotten past beckons ... and I know not a way of turning back time. Of finding myself warped up in infinite warmth of his arms once again. He with his gruff and yet O so very soothing voice... and unquestioning trust...complete acceptance.. a Dad's love is like nothing else.
I wish... I wish I knew how...
How to stop the memories from flooding in. How to stem the out pour of emotion. How to stop the gut wrenching pain...
...the past is a scary place where one must tread with grave caution...almost as one would a minefield liberally stewing with dynamites.. dynamites of past memories... (and here is the funny thing about memories, even if they were happy memories - in remembering them you will feel melancholy.
...I didn't open up as much, or feel as much, or believe as much...
but I did in some small measure...and more importantly I _wanted_ to - for the first time in years...
all of this reminds me of...
When we think of loss we think of loss through death of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we not only lose through death but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and powerful illusions of safety - and the loss of our younger self - the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invincible and immortal. These losses are necessary because we grow by losing and leaving and letting go and by growing we begin to mature and learn every day.
Along with this learning comes the ability to see that we were the people we were and did the things we did because what that was the time for that. We are who we are today, not despite what happened, not in spite of what we did (or didn't do), but because of it. We are who we are today as result of all our life's experiences, the good, the bad, the ugly and the indifferent - everything.
And though I may be hurting right now....I think I like being me :)
Anddd, I am. Hurting right now that is. I'm usually great at the "Ostrich maneuver" and this time I don't know why I've decided to allow myself the liberty to feel it.
...ramblings of a crazy mind
Friday, November 12, 2010
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