...ramblings of a crazy mind
Sunday, November 14, 2010
stream of thought
So I've had a weird week last week - "It's nine o'clock on a saturday" (6 Nov) it started (and boy did it start!! I went so outside my normal comfort zone, it is not even funny)...and before Thursday could roll around everything was over (or so we thought then)... and I was left feeling wretched and...and confused.
How could someone open up like that... share stories he claimed he has never told anyone else, including immediate family...tell me he has never, ever in all his life had a connection like this... and then change so drastically. Be so suspicious of someone he claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with? (Without giving the person so much as a chance to explain!! Admittedly he was much more explicitly about his feelings and how "far along" he was...and I hadn't reciprocated in equal measure - primarily because I have body image issues and felt it is only prudent that we hold on till he has had a chance to see me... lol, yes, forgot to mention...so much turmoil over someone we hadn't set eyes on! Me...!! man, I _really_ went outside my comfort zone) Anyways, I made a couple of stabs at trying to reason via email...and then realized circumlocution won't ever work with this man. And it wouldn't matter to him that he had made the 'original' mistake (I wasn't without fault once things started unraveling) and then some, his ego (he'd convince himself it was self respect) would come in the way of him attempting a reconciliation..
So I did something I've never done before. I did what I knew to be against my self respect. My reasoning? Well, if this is meant to be.. if he is the one... he will only be eternally grateful to me for reaching out... (and when he is sitting on that hill, holding my hand... running around in the rain in Bombay having pani puri....sitting on Marine Drive having chai... I can make him hold his ears!) ;) IF he is not the one for me, and thinks I'm a loser for reaching out... it doesn't matter to me in the at least anyways - why would I care what someone who has no place in my life thinks of me? :D
With age, definitely comes wisdom (I hope this was a wise decision! The few friends who know this story will tie me up and whip me if they find out!!)

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been.'" --- I don't want to leave any stones unturned this time so that I don't ever have any "what if..." - those really, really suck!

Well, as the story now stands... he was... well, ummm he didn't jump for joy to begin with... we've decided to try and see where things go this time, slowly. Unless he truly puts in effort... makes me feel I'm worth it (cause no matter what I look like - I _AM_ worth it!) this is a goner. I think he will, but I don't want to jinx anything... hope anything.

I do want someone who _truly_ believes in "...just the way you are". Where are you?!
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