I was cleaning around the house (and believe you me, my place can REALLY use with some cleaning) when I came across one of my "most prized possessions" - you know, one of the things one would try to salvage from a burning building?

It has been over five years, shouldn't the pain have dulled by now? Oh I no longer wake up crying, probably because I no longer dream of those events quite so often any more....but when I do....I still get that feeling of overwhelming helplessness...impotence to do anything...choking grief....

"My dear Pramila,
First time it maybe, but despite the odds hope to repeat it a few more times"

The tears brimming in my eyes feel like they must spill over, just as they did half a decade ago...but from somewhere I find the strength to close 'it' and move away....

"how come?" (completely bewildered)
'because it is your birthday!'
"but where did you get it???" (bewilderment still evident)
'in a card shop! I know where they are!!' (exasperation creeping in)
"buttt...ummmm how....why?"
'because you badger me for everyone else and one reminds me for you' (in the voice only he could manage)

He never repeated it....couldn't.

On the card from a father battling with advanced cancer to his daughter...he died 10 months later...

It is a funny thing, this growing up. I wonder if one is ever "done"? No, I guess not. One continues to evolve, adapt and change, thereby 'growing' some more eh?

Philosophical musing aside - I'm wondering about my mental maturity (and sanity truth be told) as I sit here... I was *supposed* to have created my resume (well, updated really), sent it across to a few friends to review, hours ago. But have I done that?
Hells no!
I have instead, locked myself up in the "comp room", alone, while my family sleeps without, thinking I'm toiling away, hard. Hardly more like it :S - all the while, sneaking online to watch movies (not terrible good ones either I might add)
Feels so like being back in school/college, when I KNEW I was supposed to be studying, everyone thought I was studying, I *pretended* as though I was studying, all the while reading a book (not the educational kind!), doodling, dreaming, whatever I could do, to not-study!

So about this resume` business. Yes, I really, _really_ need to get with the program. I've been at the same company for 4 yrs. I love working here, have an amazing boss (well, don't tell him or my staff I said THAT, but really) - I genuinely _like_ him, how many can truly, hand on their heart say that? I like and respect my boss (in part since he reminds me of my dad so much), I have a great team and do interesting and challenging work.
But, and this unfortunately is a biggg but - but I'm getting ripped off. I don't get paid nearly enough (not even half of what people doing similar roles, in the same company, with infinitely less skill & dedication I might add). Great bosses and fabulous teams don't pay the bills/loans sadly. They will not help "salt away for a rainy day" (and god knows, with my luck I could have plenty of rainy days, especially going by my previous track record) and they sure as freaking hell are not going to take me on a world trip this lifetime.
There is the other small matter of the fact that my whole family lives in the United States of America - and I miss them sorely. So unless I figure out a way to move an work there, I'm going to have to continue with the once a year, month long, family reunion - and I can tell you now, this earn in rupess and spend in dollars is getting ol, fast!!! (and now with another bear market looming large the rupee is taking a pounding, yet again (pun intended) 45rs to a $ today :(
Not to mention, I would like to find someone, settle down and all that sort of thing - and where are all the 30something single intelligent men? For some odd reason there seems to be a rather large concentration of them in the US (well, bay area honestly, espcially from the tam-bhram variety - super odd really)
So really, I've got to grow up, quit with the "wasting time" and start writting the resume`! Right?
Right!
Right *resigned sigh*

...an no I didn't mean just as a product of the iPad2 (though that too!) ;)

So a couple of days ago (5 Aug 2011) got an iPad, watched a movie online today (oh nothing terribly "different" or "out of the ordinary"....just good ol fashioned feel good romantic comedy - Accidentally in love, HBO....and that was it! The..bubbling under the surface, champagne feeling that had become a stranger to me in recent years, making a come back :)
Oh I don't doubt I will have a few off days every now and again, well maybe even more than a few, however I know I'm on the road to becoming the very best person I can be, like I used to be, soon.
If life hands you a bunch of lemons, learn to make lemon aid, and get good @ marketing said lemon aid! ;)
.....btw, streaming movies on a iPad? Omg! Amazing! the fanta-fabulous high speed Internet connection in my sis's house in bay area didn't hurt either I'm sure :)
which also means it is 4:30 in my current time zone, hence way past time to sleep, toodle-oo folks!!
(first, of many one hopes, post from ze afore mentioned iPad2)

One of my favorite songs:

Whether I'm right or whether I'm wrong
Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I've gotta be me, I've gotta be me
What else can I be, but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And won't give up this dream of life that keeps me alive
I've gotta be me - I've gotta be me
The dream that I see makes what I am
That far away prize - A world of success
Is waiting for me, if I heed the call
I won't settle down, won't settle for less
As long as there's a chance that I can have it all

I'll go it alone, That’s how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me
I've gotta be free - I've gotta be free
Daring to try to do it or die, I've gotta be me.
I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else if I'm not right for me
I've gotta be free - I've gotta be free
Daring to try to do it or die, I've gotta be me.

letting go of dreams, hopes...aspirations can be ....be oddly painful... dreams are like the weeds in the garden of your mind. whistle you are busy planting the goals for future... dreams plant themselves in ...and take root. while you need to lavish time and attention to get ideas and goals to take root and flouish... dreams flouish without the slightest of attention... without any ray of light.
impossible dreams, ones you *know* don't make any sense and will probably never come true are the absolute worst kind of weeds. they spread their roots deep into the underground terrain of your mind making pulling them out an herculean task... they muddle up your thinking... leaving small paper cut wounds when you stumble across them without expecting to in the least.
'piano man' and 'just the way you are' are possibly ruined for ever for me. hope not. there you go again, those annoying dreams... sailing on in their steady ship without any wind helping them along. sigh.

So I've had a weird week last week - "It's nine o'clock on a saturday" (6 Nov) it started (and boy did it start!! I went so outside my normal comfort zone, it is not even funny)...and before Thursday could roll around everything was over (or so we thought then)... and I was left feeling wretched and...and confused.
How could someone open up like that... share stories he claimed he has never told anyone else, including immediate family...tell me he has never, ever in all his life had a connection like this... and then change so drastically. Be so suspicious of someone he claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with? (Without giving the person so much as a chance to explain!! Admittedly he was much more explicitly about his feelings and how "far along" he was...and I hadn't reciprocated in equal measure - primarily because I have body image issues and felt it is only prudent that we hold on till he has had a chance to see me... lol, yes, forgot to mention...so much turmoil over someone we hadn't set eyes on! Me...!! man, I _really_ went outside my comfort zone) Anyways, I made a couple of stabs at trying to reason via email...and then realized circumlocution won't ever work with this man. And it wouldn't matter to him that he had made the 'original' mistake (I wasn't without fault once things started unraveling) and then some, his ego (he'd convince himself it was self respect) would come in the way of him attempting a reconciliation..
So I did something I've never done before. I did what I knew to be against my self respect. My reasoning? Well, if this is meant to be.. if he is the one... he will only be eternally grateful to me for reaching out... (and when he is sitting on that hill, holding my hand... running around in the rain in Bombay having pani puri....sitting on Marine Drive having chai... I can make him hold his ears!) ;) IF he is not the one for me, and thinks I'm a loser for reaching out... it doesn't matter to me in the at least anyways - why would I care what someone who has no place in my life thinks of me? :D
With age, definitely comes wisdom (I hope this was a wise decision! The few friends who know this story will tie me up and whip me if they find out!!)

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been.'" --- I don't want to leave any stones unturned this time so that I don't ever have any "what if..." - those really, really suck!

Well, as the story now stands... he was... well, ummm he didn't jump for joy to begin with... we've decided to try and see where things go this time, slowly. Unless he truly puts in effort... makes me feel I'm worth it (cause no matter what I look like - I _AM_ worth it!) this is a goner. I think he will, but I don't want to jinx anything... hope anything.

I do want someone who _truly_ believes in "...just the way you are". Where are you?!

...though, she is so out of practice, she is beyond rusty :)

However after months I find myself with the urge to write... to express...to share....and to rant.

This post is linked to this post from a longgg while ago, a little bit.

Well, considering I am single at 30 and have avoided the noose of commitment rather successfully for so long (despite being a die-hard romantic) guess there was still some "Maggie" left in me...though I was 'in love with the idea of love' I'm not altogether sure I was ready to "settle down". I'm not entirely sure I am even now, but believe it is more a function of _who_ the person is rather than how old you are.

That and, there are far too many things mediocre in life, love shouldn't have to be one of them.

An old memory teases from the recesses of my mind. A forgotten past beckons ... and I know not a way of turning back time. Of finding myself warped up in infinite warmth of his arms once again. He with his gruff and yet O so very soothing voice... and unquestioning trust...complete acceptance.. a Dad's love is like nothing else.

I wish... I wish I knew how...

How to stop the memories from flooding in. How to stem the out pour of emotion. How to stop the gut wrenching pain...

...the past is a scary place where one must tread with grave caution...almost as one would a minefield liberally stewing with dynamites.. dynamites of past memories... (and here is the funny thing about memories, even if they were happy memories - in remembering them you will feel melancholy.

...I didn't open up as much, or feel as much, or believe as much...
but I did in some small measure...and more importantly I _wanted_ to - for the first time in years...

all of this reminds me of...
Loss
When we think of loss we think of loss through death of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we not only lose through death but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and powerful illusions of safety - and the loss of our younger self - the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invincible and immortal. These losses are necessary because we grow by losing and leaving and letting go and by growing we begin to mature and learn every day.
---------------
Along with this learning comes the ability to see that we were the people we were and did the things we did because what that was the time for that. We are who we are today, not despite what happened, not in spite of what we did (or didn't do), but because of it. We are who we are today as result of all our life's experiences, the good, the bad, the ugly and the indifferent - everything.
And though I may be hurting right now....I think I like being me :)

Anddd, I am. Hurting right now that is. I'm usually great at the "Ostrich maneuver" and this time I don't know why I've decided to allow myself the liberty to feel it.

Saturday began brunch with fun gang @ Egg Factory...fairly decent egg offerings! :)
Then on to financial planning for a friend @ ICICI - which I * thought * stayed open from 8 to 8 as their ads used to suggest - apparently timings have now changed only till 2 on a sat!! (Mid day traffic on the weekend is KILLING!)
Dragged for a bite of lunch with said friend, after which we took a trip to police station to get the bike which was towed!
Onward to another friends place to see his dogs - had time only to pop in and pop out almost immediately! Why? Had to take another friend shopping for his bday gift.
Was throughly tuckered out by this time, so a pit stop at home was very much warrented!
Friends came next door (garuda swagath) for movie, one of them coaxed me into ditching the movie so that we could heading to Barbeque-Nation for dinner, getting lost, repeatedly, trying to find the way, got there eventually, STUFFED ourselves, got out at 12.30. *restaurant usually closes by 12 -> we were the LAST to leave.
Crazy ideas of either mysore road coffee house or nandi hills for sunrise, when suddenly someone gets the bright idea of wonderla!so they are trying to drag me there come 8 Sunday morning! ...after hitting the sack after 2!! phew!
Luckily sanity (sleep?) prevailed.. and we did a lesuirely dinner at UB city with thunder and lightening in the background.The weather was amazing!
...fun weekends should be like this :)
Only fly in the ointment? Was with 'only friends'! ;)

So, it has been so long that I don't even remember how anymore..
...but I'm guessing this is a bit like riding a bicycle, with a lil effort I'm sure it will come back to me!

How you been peeps?

Me? Work in Bangalore is pretty much all-consuming. Have a healthy group of fun friends (this would work better if I could figure out how to post pictures here!) have discovered a website meant for travelers (www.couchsurfing.com) - love it cause it provides an opportunity to meet local people in almost all countries/cities in addition to facilitating costfree acco whistle traveling!
Have also made a bunch of friends through another unconventional (?) route - flights! Usually when you meet someone at the airport/flight even if you have a good conversation you don't really expect to keep in touch later, right? Strangely these people (met at different times!) seem to want to keep in touch.. and have now gone on to become friends!
Trips : went with a bunch of friends on a road trip (bikes and cars) to pondicherry - was FUN! ...only regret? most of the time was spent eating/drinking and my take is that if I'm travelling outta town I _would_ like to see the place a lil! :-S ah well.
New interests : a pal recently gifted me a guitar. Yup, a GUITAR! me, who is completely tone deaf hopes to take this up fairly soon!
New developments : Might move outta home, and live closer to work - am super excited at the prospect, cause I've _NEVER_ lived anywhere but with parents/family! Moving closer to work means cutting down on travel time - which can in turn be used for FUN activities eg:learning to play the guitar! (not to mention it will be far easier to host people/parties at my place!)
Agenda : Lose weight! I'm sick and tired of talking bout it, so this time around I'm putting my money where my mouth is, literally!! :)

So, whats happening with you?

Phir Dekhiye/Rock On

Aankhon Mein Jis Ke Koi To Khwab Hai
Khush Tha Wahin Jo Thoda Betaab Hai
Zindagi Mein Koi Arzoo Kijiye
Phir Dekhiye......

Hoton Pe Jis Ke Koi To Geet Hai
Woh Haare Bhi To Us Ki Hi Jeet Hai
Dil Mein Jo Geet Hai Gun Guna Lijiye
Phir Dekhiye......

Yaadon Mein Jis Ke Kisi Ka Naam Hai
Sapno Ke Jaise Us Ki Har Sham Hai
Koi To Aaj Se Apna Dil Dijiye
Phir Dekhiye......

Khwab Bhun Yeh Zara Geet Sun Yeh Zara
Phool Chun Yeh Zara
Phir Dekhiye......

...will I ever write, REALLY write, again?!