...ramblings of a crazy mind
Friday, April 08, 2016
Life update
Bhaagi bhaagi zindagi re......Peeche peeche main chali re


Life the last few months have been an amazingly, head spinning, non-stop roller coaster ride! 

I bought my first ever house. Yup! I am now a first time home owner!! Writing this from my own place in Fortuna White wings! I also bought myself a brand new set of cool wheels - Hyundai I20 activ (earth brown). 

Now to REALLY shake things up am considering looking for a new job having worked at my current place for almost a decade! 

Wish me luck! 😀

Friday, March 18, 2016
When is it "too much"?
In recent years I seem to come here largely when I want to give vent to an unpleasant situation (and judging by the few and far between posts, one could easily draw the conclusion that I'm by and large happy - and I am! By and large).

About 20 months or so ago, a young man burst upon my life. He seemed naive and claimed to have "loved me from afar" for over 4 years! This to me was well...... a revelation - he had apparently worked in a department adjacent to mine and I didn't even know of his existence. He was slightly younger, not as well read / articulate, average to below average grammar (to English Nazi me, this was a huge deal!)...but he seemed to genuinely care.

I must also admit he ticked the box on several child-like ideas I had (and had thought due to the passage of time I had to give them up). Things like falling in love with just a glance (for those of you who know me, know that I am no looker!), staying "loyal" to one person irrespective of their feelings, ability to give selflessly without demanding in return etc etc..

As time passed more and more of his "true" personality came to light - he had lied about every single thing. Without exception. His defence? I wanted to "get" you. To say I was annoyed would be putting it lightly. I wanted OUT (never having committed I felt I was well within my rights to do so)

Then began the name calling...and blackmailing. Repeatedly. Never took it seriously so it kept getting worse. (One might wonder what was wrong with me to put up with such an untenable situation). 

Honestly? I don't know. I guess I kept hoping there would be some redeeming qualities in the young man. Sadly while he had flashes of "niceness" - inherently all he was is an overly self indulged spoilt brat. A sense of entitlement like I have never seen before - just because he wants xyz it has to be so. Else... An ego so huge that it almost always provoked him to be demeaning of others. An over glorified sense of self which led him to believe he never does any wrong! Even when irrefutable proof is presented expects just by his saying the word "sorry" everything will be back to "normal" <read the way HE wants>, pronto! Others feelings be dammed.

Claims to "love" on one hand but treats the smallest task for the loved one as a chore... troublesome work.  

The only remove he is capable of feeling is sorry for himself and his plight. Who would want to make a life with one so self absorbed?
Friday, February 12, 2016
It must be 'that time of the year'
Another one bites the dust.

This time, I tried.

I really, really, really, REALLY tried. Gave chance after chance. Put up with lies, bad language, derogatory adjectives, name calling, insecurities, horrible fights, his intolerable jealousy....and finally his 'cheating'.

It was doomed from the get-go and yet I honestly tried.

Wonder why. Wonder why I gave this one so many more chances, more than all the others put together. And then some.

What hurts most is he carries on like everything he put me through is 'ok' and I should just "forgive everything" and give him yet another chance! 

"Everyone makes mistakes, who doesn't?" - direct quote. 

I am tired and sad. Soul weary sad.

And this time the only one I have to "blame" is myself.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
My addition - ....Fool me thrice, I probably deserve it.

Don't see any sign of 'Mr.Right' and....and Mr.RightNow' is pretty darn loud and persistent. 
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Justaju jiski thi

justaju jiski thi usko to na paaya hamne
justaju jiski thi usko to na paaya hamne
(I did not attain he whom I desired...) 
is bahaane se magar dekh li duniya hamne
(but because of this excuse, I did see the realities of the world)
justaju jiski thi
Where are you? How much longer should I wait?
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Weekend recharge
Ummmm, a nice sleepy weekend (or two...or three) vegetating at a friend's house can recharge ones soul so well :)

Oh I'm still upset and confused how someone turned out so different from the image they portrayed but am no longer obsessing... his loss! He lost himself a kick-ass girl, with a great sense of humour, a stable job, supremely loyal not to mention who gets him and could have taken care of him. Ah well, this ship has sailed :)

Dunno where the 'he' of my life is, show up you tardy fellow!! :P
Friday, February 14, 2014
slow death
have you ever had something you care deeply about go through a slow painful deterioration...or even death? a relationship?

human emotions are just as 'alive' as human beings I've realized. 

why do we allow for slow painful deterioration rather than the tried a tested method of a 'clean break'? Is it because we foolishly hold out hope? What is it about us that doesn't let us 'give up' and 'throw in the towel' though something might be painful? 

The human condition is largely reliant on hope I guess. Why then have we not figured out how to stop feeling pain or at the very least come up with some coping strategies? 

How does one give up expectations? If someone says 30 mins and you see hide nor hair for 90, should the person not explain? What is "too much" 3 hours? 9? 24 hours? At what point is it okay to make "not keeping time commitments" an issue? How many occurrences  before creating a stink? 

What about breaking one's word? What if the word is broken so many times that it no longer has any semblance of seriousness? What if you take the person's word way more seriously than he does? 

Crutches : 
Alcohol is one. The past, and people who belong there are too. One is an obvious one and so it is easier to see / point out. My crutches are people from my past, who still can make me feel important, special...beautiful. Those ships have however sailed...and I chose not to get on them. Why does the past look so much nicer when we look back?

K and I have history. A whole hellava lot of it - 14 years worth in fact. We met, he fell in love, almost immediately - within days (not even months) and tried to peruse it and get me to say yes for a long LONG time. Originally I wasn't ready and when I began considering it in earnest, silliness got in the way. He got involved with someone else (is now married and has an adorable kid) but I know I still have a 'special' place in his life. Whenever he has a 'new triumph' at work he wants to first share it with me, wants to make me 'proud'... he still has carnal feelings for me.... gets jealous over me though he is normally a very 'non-jealous' typo guy (never getting possessive/jealous over the woman he married!). I for obvious reasons avoid him for the most part. As does he - in the physical world (he feels he won't be able to 'control' himself). A few months ago we had a frank heart to heart, he came clean, said while it was a pity it was too late for an 'us' there would be a part of him that would always be "in love" with me and he was tired of fighting it and has made peace with it. While I would like to believe I'm not a petty person, I have to admit this felt good. I wasn't fungible, at least to him. I wasn't forgettable... I made a mark... I mattered. And to him, in his eyes I was beautiful. Truly truly desirable and attractive.
So when I run into problems, when I am having arguments / fights with Mr.RightNow I am on occasion tempted to turn to the comfort of the past. What doesn't help is Mr.RightNow (or Mr.Right?) doesn't even know I have these insecurities, that I truly don't feel attractive. That I need validation - he sees the outter crust, a very confident sassy woman, he met _once_ (well he claims he saw me twice) and didn't have a conversation with at that and was attracted to an image he had seen even before that! Try as I might am unable to get him to see past the external and understand the woman inside, or at least that is how it feels. Long conversations are not for him, putting them off for the real world. 

Now the immovable of the real world, him coming to airport to pick me up, has moved. 

A lot of this angst has to do with being in the bay area suburbia and him being.... well a viable option. Felt like everyone had a pair and would be getting on Noah's Arc...and I would be sitting by. I don't even effing like ships!! 
Sunday, February 09, 2014
"I was drunk"

Uggg. Drunken ramblings and random 'confessions' with zero recollection in the morning. Like dealing with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. One who is tender and romantic and serious and.....amorous and the other, who has pretty much no time for me. One who keeps bringing up Jeffery Archer's story "Old Love" each time he is drunk...asking me to read it, even though each time I tell him I have read it ages ago.

Just yesterday, I dunno why, I felt like reading out a snippet from my blog about BEATRICE and BENEDICK and today after yet another one of his drunken urging I read the story 'Old love' again on a whim....only to find it references Beatrice and quotes them both!

I share this with him and got a 'nothing reply' back. Dunno why, but this makes me sad. Sadder still, the idea of him not being Benedick to my Beatrice.

Where art thou Benedick mine?
Monday, January 27, 2014

Have you ever 'projected' you idea of reality? When the strife is mainly in your head and you mix past and present creating a kaleidoscope of images, issues, ...feelings even? I'm guilty of this time to time. I know I do it and try to curb my imagination from running away with me (a fairly challenging task considering what I weigh!....but then again, it seems to be super powerful) ;o) Now the humour comes, always the humour. What is current and what is a decade old? How does one sift through feelings? In other news, I've begun to lose weight - and keep it lost. Will try to keep the momentum going, in this direction! Another memory, another kid, a decade younger sang "Cant Take My Eyes Off You - Frankie Valli and The 4 Seasons a while ago, the memory brings a smile and warm glow :)
Friday, January 24, 2014

In the past I might have been guilty of 'collecting' the small hurts, both intentional & unintentional, and picking at the 'scabs'...both physical and emotional. Not allowing them to heal cleanly. I'm going to stop. I'm not going to sweat the small stuff. I am not going to allow myself to get bogged down. If the person doesn't realize what they are missing, well then it is their loss :) If they do and continue, they were never worth it to begin with, so I needn't spend too much time on them. Progress or getting jaded?
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Past and present intersecting
A long time ago another boy sang me this song... I won't give up on us Even if the skies get rough I'm giving you all my love I'm still looking up Still looking up Read the full song here God knows we're worth it No, I won't give up. I know I am....where is the silly goose who does? :) Separate note : what amazing 'guitaring' eh?!