...ramblings of a crazy mind
Sunday, November 14, 2010
stream of thought
So I've had a weird week last week - "It's nine o'clock on a saturday" (6 Nov) it started (and boy did it start!! I went so outside my normal comfort zone, it is not even funny)...and before Thursday could roll around everything was over (or so we thought then)... and I was left feeling wretched and...and confused.
How could someone open up like that... share stories he claimed he has never told anyone else, including immediate family...tell me he has never, ever in all his life had a connection like this... and then change so drastically. Be so suspicious of someone he claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with? (Without giving the person so much as a chance to explain!! Admittedly he was much more explicitly about his feelings and how "far along" he was...and I hadn't reciprocated in equal measure - primarily because I have body image issues and felt it is only prudent that we hold on till he has had a chance to see me... lol, yes, forgot to mention...so much turmoil over someone we hadn't set eyes on! Me...!! man, I _really_ went outside my comfort zone) Anyways, I made a couple of stabs at trying to reason via email...and then realized circumlocution won't ever work with this man. And it wouldn't matter to him that he had made the 'original' mistake (I wasn't without fault once things started unraveling) and then some, his ego (he'd convince himself it was self respect) would come in the way of him attempting a reconciliation..
So I did something I've never done before. I did what I knew to be against my self respect. My reasoning? Well, if this is meant to be.. if he is the one... he will only be eternally grateful to me for reaching out... (and when he is sitting on that hill, holding my hand... running around in the rain in Bombay having pani puri....sitting on Marine Drive having chai... I can make him hold his ears!) ;) IF he is not the one for me, and thinks I'm a loser for reaching out... it doesn't matter to me in the at least anyways - why would I care what someone who has no place in my life thinks of me? :D
With age, definitely comes wisdom (I hope this was a wise decision! The few friends who know this story will tie me up and whip me if they find out!!)

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been.'" --- I don't want to leave any stones unturned this time so that I don't ever have any "what if..." - those really, really suck!

Well, as the story now stands... he was... well, ummm he didn't jump for joy to begin with... we've decided to try and see where things go this time, slowly. Unless he truly puts in effort... makes me feel I'm worth it (cause no matter what I look like - I _AM_ worth it!) this is a goner. I think he will, but I don't want to jinx anything... hope anything.

I do want someone who _truly_ believes in "...just the way you are". Where are you?!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Runaway bride speaks again...
...though, she is so out of practice, she is beyond rusty :)

However after months I find myself with the urge to write... to express...to share....and to rant.

This post is linked to this post from a longgg while ago, a little bit.

Well, considering I am single at 30 and have avoided the noose of commitment rather successfully for so long (despite being a die-hard romantic) guess there was still some "Maggie" left in me...though I was 'in love with the idea of love' I'm not altogether sure I was ready to "settle down". I'm not entirely sure I am even now, but believe it is more a function of _who_ the person is rather than how old you are.

That and, there are far too many things mediocre in life, love shouldn't have to be one of them.

An old memory teases from the recesses of my mind. A forgotten past beckons ... and I know not a way of turning back time. Of finding myself warped up in infinite warmth of his arms once again. He with his gruff and yet O so very soothing voice... and unquestioning trust...complete acceptance.. a Dad's love is like nothing else.

I wish... I wish I knew how...

How to stop the memories from flooding in. How to stem the out pour of emotion. How to stop the gut wrenching pain...

...the past is a scary place where one must tread with grave caution...almost as one would a minefield liberally stewing with dynamites.. dynamites of past memories... (and here is the funny thing about memories, even if they were happy memories - in remembering them you will feel melancholy.

...I didn't open up as much, or feel as much, or believe as much...
but I did in some small measure...and more importantly I _wanted_ to - for the first time in years...

all of this reminds me of...
When we think of loss we think of loss through death of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing theme in our life. For we not only lose through death but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love but our conscious and unconscious losses of romantic dreams, impossible expectations, illusions of freedom and powerful illusions of safety - and the loss of our younger self - the self that thought it would always be unwrinkled and invincible and immortal. These losses are necessary because we grow by losing and leaving and letting go and by growing we begin to mature and learn every day.
Along with this learning comes the ability to see that we were the people we were and did the things we did because what that was the time for that. We are who we are today, not despite what happened, not in spite of what we did (or didn't do), but because of it. We are who we are today as result of all our life's experiences, the good, the bad, the ugly and the indifferent - everything.
And though I may be hurting right now....I think I like being me :)

Anddd, I am. Hurting right now that is. I'm usually great at the "Ostrich maneuver" and this time I don't know why I've decided to allow myself the liberty to feel it.