the subject line is stolen from CS / Chindu blog.... words from his friend, Anjum... i didn't know Anjum, though i wish i did.. from whatever i've read of him, he sounds like a remarkable human being...
...his wife, Patcy, the woman who loves this remarkable human being is just as wonderfull...
a woman who stood by her husband when the terrible C was marking him for its own... a woman who was strong enough to tell her raison d'etre “Quit any time you want... it’s okay.” ..thinkin only of his pain..without a thought to how she would cope with her crippling loss.. a woman who depsite being in unexplainable misery herself, is being a tower of strength for his parents today...
...those of you who pray, please keep her in your thoughts.. and those of you who don't, please do for her.
i ask myself, would i ever be able to tell my man to let go, even if that was best, less painful for him?
would you?
...thank you Shain / Silent Knight for making a total stranger, me, feel amazingly special.. that song+post for me meant a lot!...brightened up my day...and reminded me i wasn't alone... do visit his page and scroll down n see the song he put up.. really nice
...this blog world of ours is really something eh? not only does the comments box bear testiment to your support, my mailbox isn't that far behind either! each of you who took time out of your busy lives to write, thank you. i know i'm a jackass most times with replying to e-mails/calls... but its _not_ because i don't care. i do. and all the mails are very much appreciated. more then you'll ever know!
my mood for the past couple of weeks has been...hmmm...well, i find my knowledge of the english language lacking...hmmm....whats the word?? ah, ditch.. don't think there is one.. my mood can't really be described... and considering i'm not a moody person per say...i'm on without any sense of direction again, amn't i?
ok, new para, new attempt.
i'm out of sorts. there are times when i want to just bite a person's head off.. for no fault of theirs.. other times when i withdraw from an argument, simply cause i can't find it in me to push forward... even when i am 200% sure i'm right (pull that jaw back, dodo! i said i'm not being normal didn't i!? :P)
am very, very, uncommunicative. yea domi, even more then normal. evading direct question seems to be second nature with me.
why?
haven't a clue.
dad's health update..
he is not in much pain now. the painkillers are rather strong. but... umm.... ok i've been avoiding it long enuf - part of the reason i didn't post for the past few days.. the operation can't take place right now.. the lession is too big, n not enough elbow room for the doctors as it were. two blood vessels are surrounding the growth and unless the growth's size is reduced, no doctor can operate.
chemo has begun, the first cycle is on.. three cycles will be administered, and then fresh scan's will be taken once again. doctors will then take stock of the situation.
will keep you posted.
...ramblings of a crazy mind
Thursday, August 26, 2004
Sunday, August 22, 2004
why me?
Why me?....Why me???
A question that has plagued best of us from time to time no doubt. But I for one have always hated the question. Serves no purpose….other then to make one feel more shitty then one is already feeling.
One week..i’ve been back in my home town for an entire week today, with easy/good internet access.… while I was away I thought I’d become a regular blogger once I was back..that I’d fill you guys in on the most mundane events of my life…where I went… whom I met…what they said…what sort of people populate my office space et all…
…for example I meant to tell you guys I met the disappearing dude (refer to 11th april entry)…and had the most amazing 3 hours. So amazing that I was forced to wonder why on earth weren’t we best friends still.over 3 hours of being with someone where words were redundant at most times…I just knew what he was thinking/feeling with him having to only look at me…and vise versa.. our connection very much intact..he told me he was sorry for the way he behaved…and then…and THEN ..said goodbye. Not the goodbye, the evening is over, see ya later kinda goodbye…the goodbye..we will never meet again variety of goodbye.why? well, he doesn’t know, I sure as hell haven’t a clue…best way to phrase it would be he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me i guess.
Last time I had a regret that I had never, not once, told him he was important to me. important in the sense of – I’m not ok with you walking out of my life…I depend on u too.
This time I almost begged him to meet me for a second time…to get to know the pramila of today…to see if things weren’t so roller coasterish this time around.to only have him say, thanks…but no thanks.
maybe if I was 30 kilos lighter things would have been different.
…or for example that I met the “friends”….all six of them were delightful…but I’m a wee bit more partial to phoebe. I have always known/liked joey best. …that they were the ones who introduced me to U.S pizza…spinz…club x…midnight vodka…12 o’clock breakfast….
I wanted to mention I met Nidhi from the blog world for a rushed lunch at Ebony. On the thirteenth floor of a building…affording one of the best views of banglore…the city looks amazing from that height – not that it doesn’t look good from close by!
I meant to tell you I am for even indebted to Yesha for helping me get shoes that fit amazingly well…from India! (my sis used to have to send me shoes from the states!) that woman has amazing sense of direction too!..she was in banglore for about a month and nearly knows the city in and out!!
I soooo wanted to recount that I met the ex-girl friend of a pal…of the chap I refer to as my kid..one of the main reasons – if not the only reason – of their breaking up was that she used to be very jealous of me…she thought he was in love with me…and then when he finally convinced her that he wasn’t…she argued he was way toooo dependent on me. n now…when she has finally gotten to know me…and like me, he had already decided to part ways..actually she came to me only when there was trouble…requesting me to help her get him back….but that was 6 months ago…n now he is with someone else…someone he loves a lot…
But now…NOW she is close to me….the irony of life. Today the woman who she considered a rival..a threat to her relationship is the one she considers as one of her closest friends. If only…if only she had tried to get to know me then….
I wanted to tell you about Ashwini and Lance…the couple who oscillate between the extremes of being the bestest friends one could have to times when I wanna bean ‘em one! ;oP
To tell you I have crazy friends like Namith who don’t like to allow me – a 24 year old – traveling in ricks alone in a new city!who would come n pick me up and fuss over me like I was made of china (psssstttttttttt, won’t say it didn’t feel amazing!) ;o)
Hey, also wanted to tell ya I stood first in my batch for the proficiency test! (I know I know… not terribly modest eh? but hey, there were 16 engineers amongst the batch of 50…and I still managed to top it – without EVER studying!)…(n NOOO it wasn’t sheer luck and this doesn’t say anything about my colleagues intellect levels, hrumph)
….but no. I could never tell you any of this. Why? Cause the very day I came back the hospital rounds began. Dad’s Scan results showed presence of a growth. or lession as the medical world calls it.
And now the reports are in. positive. He has cancer. Cancer.
Will know tomorrow whether it can be operated on.
Why me? why is it always me against…why can it never, ever be a WE against the …
Oh,of course I have my darling sister.she is being even MORE amazing then usual…and normally itself she is beyond wonderful..but …but, she has bala…my too-good-to-be-true brother in law…he is so terrific I don’t even refer to him as my b-i-l/jiju (hindi word for brother in law)…the acronym for him is JDB…my JDB..jiju+daddy+brother…all three rolled into one.
And my family, both sides – dad’s as well as mom’s are out in full strength to support this time…so for the very first time I am not doing the hospital rounds alone..infact also for the first time dad has been taken to the hospital without me.maybe that’s why. Maybe that’s why I am feeling like this..am not totally consumed with hospital visits,arranging the next appointment,giving dad his medicine doses,making sure he doesn’t go any where near a smoke..never before during a crisis have I ever had the time to think…to miss him. (or that’s what I am telling myself.don’t want to face up to the fact that this situation is way more serious then any before)
But I dooo wish I had someone to hug me…to tell me that everything is going to be ok. To whom I was numero uno on a priority list.who would hate seeing tears in my eyes (not that I am much of a crier..in my sister’s words I am a bottler amongst other things!)..someone whose shoulders were primarily reserved for me. someone who would take my place to escort dad to the doc’s when I can’t get out of work. Someone who would tell me that I’m not a terrible daughter for having been in another city when dad’s stomach pains began..because of which the CAT-Scan got delayed…because of which VITAL time was lost.. because of whom…because of whom dad might have…might have developed cancer.
Why me?
A question that has plagued best of us from time to time no doubt. But I for one have always hated the question. Serves no purpose….other then to make one feel more shitty then one is already feeling.
One week..i’ve been back in my home town for an entire week today, with easy/good internet access.… while I was away I thought I’d become a regular blogger once I was back..that I’d fill you guys in on the most mundane events of my life…where I went… whom I met…what they said…what sort of people populate my office space et all…
…for example I meant to tell you guys I met the disappearing dude (refer to 11th april entry)…and had the most amazing 3 hours. So amazing that I was forced to wonder why on earth weren’t we best friends still.over 3 hours of being with someone where words were redundant at most times…I just knew what he was thinking/feeling with him having to only look at me…and vise versa.. our connection very much intact..he told me he was sorry for the way he behaved…and then…and THEN ..said goodbye. Not the goodbye, the evening is over, see ya later kinda goodbye…the goodbye..we will never meet again variety of goodbye.why? well, he doesn’t know, I sure as hell haven’t a clue…best way to phrase it would be he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me i guess.
Last time I had a regret that I had never, not once, told him he was important to me. important in the sense of – I’m not ok with you walking out of my life…I depend on u too.
This time I almost begged him to meet me for a second time…to get to know the pramila of today…to see if things weren’t so roller coasterish this time around.to only have him say, thanks…but no thanks.
maybe if I was 30 kilos lighter things would have been different.
…or for example that I met the “friends”….all six of them were delightful…but I’m a wee bit more partial to phoebe. I have always known/liked joey best. …that they were the ones who introduced me to U.S pizza…spinz…club x…midnight vodka…12 o’clock breakfast….
I wanted to mention I met Nidhi from the blog world for a rushed lunch at Ebony. On the thirteenth floor of a building…affording one of the best views of banglore…the city looks amazing from that height – not that it doesn’t look good from close by!
I meant to tell you I am for even indebted to Yesha for helping me get shoes that fit amazingly well…from India! (my sis used to have to send me shoes from the states!) that woman has amazing sense of direction too!..she was in banglore for about a month and nearly knows the city in and out!!
I soooo wanted to recount that I met the ex-girl friend of a pal…of the chap I refer to as my kid..one of the main reasons – if not the only reason – of their breaking up was that she used to be very jealous of me…she thought he was in love with me…and then when he finally convinced her that he wasn’t…she argued he was way toooo dependent on me. n now…when she has finally gotten to know me…and like me, he had already decided to part ways..actually she came to me only when there was trouble…requesting me to help her get him back….but that was 6 months ago…n now he is with someone else…someone he loves a lot…
But now…NOW she is close to me….the irony of life. Today the woman who she considered a rival..a threat to her relationship is the one she considers as one of her closest friends. If only…if only she had tried to get to know me then….
I wanted to tell you about Ashwini and Lance…the couple who oscillate between the extremes of being the bestest friends one could have to times when I wanna bean ‘em one! ;oP
To tell you I have crazy friends like Namith who don’t like to allow me – a 24 year old – traveling in ricks alone in a new city!who would come n pick me up and fuss over me like I was made of china (psssstttttttttt, won’t say it didn’t feel amazing!) ;o)
Hey, also wanted to tell ya I stood first in my batch for the proficiency test! (I know I know… not terribly modest eh? but hey, there were 16 engineers amongst the batch of 50…and I still managed to top it – without EVER studying!)…(n NOOO it wasn’t sheer luck and this doesn’t say anything about my colleagues intellect levels, hrumph)
….but no. I could never tell you any of this. Why? Cause the very day I came back the hospital rounds began. Dad’s Scan results showed presence of a growth. or lession as the medical world calls it.
And now the reports are in. positive. He has cancer. Cancer.
Will know tomorrow whether it can be operated on.
Why me? why is it always me against…why can it never, ever be a WE against the …
Oh,of course I have my darling sister.she is being even MORE amazing then usual…and normally itself she is beyond wonderful..but …but, she has bala…my too-good-to-be-true brother in law…he is so terrific I don’t even refer to him as my b-i-l/jiju (hindi word for brother in law)…the acronym for him is JDB…my JDB..jiju+daddy+brother…all three rolled into one.
And my family, both sides – dad’s as well as mom’s are out in full strength to support this time…so for the very first time I am not doing the hospital rounds alone..infact also for the first time dad has been taken to the hospital without me.maybe that’s why. Maybe that’s why I am feeling like this..am not totally consumed with hospital visits,arranging the next appointment,giving dad his medicine doses,making sure he doesn’t go any where near a smoke..never before during a crisis have I ever had the time to think…to miss him. (or that’s what I am telling myself.don’t want to face up to the fact that this situation is way more serious then any before)
But I dooo wish I had someone to hug me…to tell me that everything is going to be ok. To whom I was numero uno on a priority list.who would hate seeing tears in my eyes (not that I am much of a crier..in my sister’s words I am a bottler amongst other things!)..someone whose shoulders were primarily reserved for me. someone who would take my place to escort dad to the doc’s when I can’t get out of work. Someone who would tell me that I’m not a terrible daughter for having been in another city when dad’s stomach pains began..because of which the CAT-Scan got delayed…because of which VITAL time was lost.. because of whom…because of whom dad might have…might have developed cancer.
Why me?
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Cancer....i hope its not Cancer
.....dad had a biopsy done today....results awaited.
hopefully they should be in by saturday....latest monday. i'm not much of a "pray er"....as in a person who prays.... but this time i'll make the exception.
*fingers crossed*
hopefully they should be in by saturday....latest monday. i'm not much of a "pray er"....as in a person who prays.... but this time i'll make the exception.
*fingers crossed*
Monday, August 16, 2004
from the bay which was bombed..
for the last time!
(i've written this post 5 times already!)
...i'm back home, in Bombay.
and looks like the never ending rounds of Wockhardt have begun in full swing, yet again.
dad is not well. seriously not well. serious enough to make me almost cry. almost. hospitals rounds begin today itself. (i ABHOR the smell of hospitals already)
hope you are all doing well? ....will check in on you soon.. i hope.
more later.
take care people.
(i've written this post 5 times already!)
...i'm back home, in Bombay.
and looks like the never ending rounds of Wockhardt have begun in full swing, yet again.
dad is not well. seriously not well. serious enough to make me almost cry. almost. hospitals rounds begin today itself. (i ABHOR the smell of hospitals already)
hope you are all doing well? ....will check in on you soon.. i hope.
more later.
take care people.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
i'm baccccckkkkkkkkkk
......though not for long!
its 11:31 in the morning (going towards noon)... and lunch has suddenly become the only meal i eat these days!
the new revised shift timings are from THREE in the night/morning to 12 in the afternoon!! - a good nine hours! ...and to get to office at 3 we are loaded up in the car at the unearthly hour of 1 at night! ...two hours of banglore sight seeing... only trouble is we (the 3 of us unfortunate souls who have been moved to 'banglore transport') actually 'see' nada! its too bloody dark to see outside... allways assuming we are feeling brave enough to stick out faces out in the freezing cold! (banglore is _FREEZING_ at night...especially if ur cab driver refuses to roll up his window!!)
tales of vodka drinking...trip to club x...first brush with tequilla....all in the offing...hopefully soon!!
for now i'm off to read my fav blogs and hopefully leave comments!!
keep visitin floks! :)
its 11:31 in the morning (going towards noon)... and lunch has suddenly become the only meal i eat these days!
the new revised shift timings are from THREE in the night/morning to 12 in the afternoon!! - a good nine hours! ...and to get to office at 3 we are loaded up in the car at the unearthly hour of 1 at night! ...two hours of banglore sight seeing... only trouble is we (the 3 of us unfortunate souls who have been moved to 'banglore transport') actually 'see' nada! its too bloody dark to see outside... allways assuming we are feeling brave enough to stick out faces out in the freezing cold! (banglore is _FREEZING_ at night...especially if ur cab driver refuses to roll up his window!!)
tales of vodka drinking...trip to club x...first brush with tequilla....all in the offing...hopefully soon!!
for now i'm off to read my fav blogs and hopefully leave comments!!
keep visitin floks! :)